Are We Even A Couple Anymore?

Scottie Durrett  0:06  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty durett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible

scottie  0:25  
journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex.

Scottie Durrett  0:40  
Hey, my beautiful mama, welcome back to the podcast. I am so happy that you are here. Thank you for joining me today. Today we're talking about something that's probably been sitting in the back of your mind for a while, but you've actually been too tired, too busy, too numb to say it out loud, and that is what the heck has happened to my marriage, my partnership, my relationship? If your youngest kid is fourth or fifth grade, 10 years old, there's a good chance at some moment you've looked at your partner and thought, are we even a couple anymore? Where in the world did that spark go? Are we I think we're just roommates sharing a bed. When was the last time we kissed and actually meant it? And you wondered, does my partner even see me? Do I see them? I feel like we're living parallel lives. Or, please don't look at me, because I'm too tired to put out right now. And you know, or, gosh, I mean, maybe your partner has sat down next to you and the way they're chewing, the way they're breathing, the questions that they're asking you, you're like, oh my gosh, I am literally about to blow my top. I've been there. It's there's no shame in this. But I do find it incredibly important and healthy for us to really be honest about how we're feeling about our relationship. If you're you know, if you're in a real marriage, where you've actually signed a document, or if you're in a partnership, regardless of what it says on a piece of paper, you guys have chosen to be in this together. Do you still feel like you are in this together? Relationship focus is not easy as a busy working parent, but it is the foundation of the household. It's the example that you're sharing with your kids. It's also what you asked for. Are you living in the relationship that you dreamed about, that you asked for? Doesn't mean it has to look and feel the way it did when y'all first got together. Life evolves. We evolve. Our relationship evolves. But are you wanting more? Do you feel like there's a lack? Do you feel like there's some unspoken stuff you're too afraid to admit? Do you feel disconnected? Do you feel not seen, not supported. Are you just going through the motions? This episode is going to be for you if you feel like you're living parallel lives with your partner, if you feel like you're more roommates than lovers, and if you are carrying so much mental load that having sex and making out feels like just another item on your to do list or something you want to avoid altogether. I really want to shake up this myth out of our heads that once you become a mom, you lose your right and you lose the space and the time to feel it up, to feel like you have desires and that you're still this playful and fully alive, not only in your own body, but in your relationship. That is some generational bullshit right there, and I'm not here for it anymore, because I feel like it sucks the life out of the house, and I don't feel like it's fair to you, and it's not fair to the kids. When you and your partner decided to bring the kids into the world, there was this kind of unspoken contract that the kid is now trusting that you're going to show up at your best for them, that you guys are a unit, you're going to be there for them. They're not expecting that their presence is going to be the reason why you and your partner don't feel like being together anymore. I feel like we need to be super honest about the pie chart of our life, right? So you think about your life as a pie chart all these pieces, while you may choose to focus on them separately, they do affect each other. So your own health, your marriage, your finances, your work, your sex life, your your self worth, everything plays into each other. So if one piece of the pie is not being nurtured and not being taken care of and isn't living up to what you truly, truly desire, it will pull down every other area of your life. It's like the crab in the bucket effect, right? When you have a bunch of crabs in a bucket and one tries to. Climb out of the bucket, the other crabs start grabbing its leg, and it's like, Wait, come back. We don't want you to leave. If the health of your relationship is becoming more and more unhealthy, more and more disconnected, more and more numb, that will absolutely bleed into how you're showing up for your kids, how you're showing up for your health, how you're showing up for your business and how you're showing up for your life. I think it's really important for us to keep focusing on this piece of the pie and not take it for granted, right? This isn't about shame. This is just about awareness. Awareness is really important and being and shining the light in a

Scottie Durrett  5:38  
very honest way, noticing your thoughts about your partner, noticing the energy around your partner, noticing the trust and the connection, right? We deserve to feel good and live our life. We're not robots, we're not zombies, and we're not live the rest of our life on autopilot. I really, really, really, don't want us to look back on life ever and have any regrets, because we are amazing fucking humans who have real important feelings and needs. Whoever said this idea that being a mom is our only identity, they lie or they gaslit us or they weren't a mom, your kids are not gonna thrive on you if you are emotionally exhausted and martyring yourself for motherhood. Plus, your kids are way more capable of doing shit on their own, so please let them let go of doing it all for everybody all the time. No one asked you to do that. Plus, when you let them learn how to do stuff and take your hands off the wheel for a little bit. You are also telling their subconscious mind, I believe you're capable. What a beautiful gift. Your kids want you to feel like yourself. They want you to wake up with joy, with excitement, to be in that household, with your partner and with them. And part of that, part of you being at your best is being in a relationship that fuels you, not just one that functions. You are allowed to want more romance and more touch. You are allowed to want connection. You are allowed to have desires and get horny and want to make out and have butterflies again. You're allowed to have fun in your life, in your marriage and your relationships, and you don't need to wait until the kids leave for college to start doing that. I want us to actually bring forth the marriage right now, the relationship right now, into the mix, even if life is really fucking busy. So we're going to talk today about how do we reignite that spark without blowing up our life or waiting for some magical day later, it's some magical someday. I'll paint you a picture right now. About a year ago, I remember this so vividly because it was such a slap in like an aha, it kind of woke me up. I was in the kitchen, and I just gotten the kids out to school, and my husband walked in, and he smiled, and he said, Hey babe, and I just nodded. I didn't have any butterflies. I didn't have a flirty smile. I didn't even stop washing the dishes to turn around and say, Hey babe, or give him a hug. I was just meh. I mean, I was elbow deep in the dish, like literally soaping up the ground turkey from the night before that had sat in the frying pan all that night long from our turkey tacos, and in my head, I was mentally going through my day. I was like, What am I going to get my workout in? I have some client calls. I've got to get my kid from school to baseball, and I need to help my daughter with that project. You know, I was already mentally gone from the house, right? I was already checked into my work and my job, and I was checked out of being in the house and connecting to my husband. I mean romance, literally. I'm laughing out loud right now. We weren't fighting, we weren't distant on purpose. We weren't angry at each other, but we were just coexisting, very good parents, amazing teammates, totally disconnected lovers, and when my husband walked by me, and my back was to him, and I was doing the dishes, he didn't grab my ass, and that was a real oh shit moment for me, because for the first 25 years of us being together, he could never walk by me without some like grabbing my butt or touching me or putting his hand or kissing my neck. And then all of a sudden, I was like, wait a shit. He didn't do any of that, because, honestly, I didn't marry my husband to share, you know, Google calendars and just run the business of our life. I wanted that feeling back. I remember just so recently, walking through the neighborhood going to get dinner one time, and I grabbed his hand, and my stomach did a Flippity flap, and I got butterflies. I wanted that feeling back, the playful touches, the inside jokes. I wanted. To feel seen. I wanted to see him, not just for what we do, but for who we are. And I realized, okay, I want to reignite this thing. I want to be in a relationship with my husband. I don't want to be a roommate. So in that moment, I was like, shit. I got to start showing up for us again. Look, this happens when you are learning how to raise humans. It takes literally almost every ounce of energy from you. So it's normal for us to shift whatever energy we have left away from our marriage

Scottie Durrett  10:37  
because it's good right, away from that relationship because you guys are good. It's almost like, Okay, check. That's not worrying me right now. So I'm gonna go focus on all these other things. There's no shame. But if we're not careful, we won't realize that we are turning our back on it, and we won't realize until it's too late. We look up and we're like, oh shit. I don't know who you are anymore, and I don't know that we can connect again. I don't know that we can talk. I don't even know if I want to talk to you. I don't even know if I can even be I'm so tired I can't even begin to go through what happened today. And we're living parallel lives. You can almost feel like you just have a body in bed next to you, but there's no relationship. It's not that you are not capable of love, and it's not that y'all aren't capable of reconnecting. There's real life pressure and science that is creating these natural separations. First of all, the cognitive overload, the amount of thoughts in a mom's brain at any given moment. I always think about that reel where the mom says, I have 36 tabs open. That's what it feels like the majority of our life, even when we're sleeping, you're managing snacks and emotions and schedules and sports and doctor's appointments and emotional meltdowns, and that's all that happens every single day. So your brain is jammed. And when your brain is jammed and you are just trying to get through from moment to moment, and it's a whack, a mole type of energy, intimacy is literally the last thing that you're thinking about. It feels impossible. It feels foreign. You have so much to do and so much to think about. It's a massive energy drain. So it means there's no energy left for foreplay or wanting to make out. Number two, nervous system burnout. I think the majority of moms are living in a fight or flight, sympathetic nervous state the majority of the time. I've said it before, fight or flight, incredibly important. It means you have a very strong central nervous system. You are alive, but it's not meant to be on 24/7 if your body is living in survival, then it cannot live in desire, full stop. Number three, subconscious disconnection. You've gotten so used to functioning separately that becomes the default. You love each other, but you forgot how to be with each other. You forgot how to include each other. I mean, I especially when your kids are young, and your husband or your partner comes home and they're like, Hey, tell me about the day, and you have a flash and you're like, Okay, well, I had poo in my hand today, and I cried and started drinking at four o'clock in the afternoon, and I just didn't even know if I could shower again for the fifth time. And by the way, I think I've slept six hours in the last 15 days, and they're coming off from the pressures of I'm trying to provide for the family, or maybe you're trying to provide for the family, and there's that hidden pressure. That hidden pressure of like, oh my gosh, how am I going to do it all? How are we going to actually do it all? But here's the best part, you do it together. You actually have a built in support system. You guys chose to create this life together, which means you're still in it. You have someone that's going to help you, who wants the same things as you. You just have to remember that you both are human. You both have badass brains and desires and dreams and values, and you can re you can come back to yourself. I think that's what's so incredible about us as human beings. We can always shift. We can always pivot. If we are really honest and take an objective look at our life, notice our own thoughts and feelings and ask ourselves, is this good enough for me? Is this where I want to be? And if it's not, you can do something about that. It's never too late. Y'all are never too old. You can want each other again. You can love each other again. You can fall you can reignite this relationship again. I'm going to share five ways that you can do that, and I also just want to remind you constantly I am here. This is what I do. I am here to help empower you with certainty and trust that you are on the right path. You are here. Year to live your best life, and that is your birthright. So if you feel stuck in any way or just need some extra support and guidance, click the link in the show notes and just make sure you know I am always here for you. So number one, see each other again. Ask Real Deal questions. Not just hey, did you pick up the milk or can you get them from practice today. But what are you dreaming about lately? What? What do you wish we had going on in our life right now that we don't what's something you miss from when we first met? You're both still in there. Go find each other.

Scottie Durrett  15:36  
Number two, ditch the logistics. Energy. No one wants to bang their business partner. Well, maybe some people do, but it's not really about banging your business partner. There's a whole area of lack and tacoon that they're trying to fill. But truthfully, no one really wants to bang their business partner. Go on a date with your with your husband, your wife, your partner, with a no kid talk rule, even if you only go for 30 to 45 minutes at the dive bar down the street, go have a freaking beer and don't talk about the kids. Let yourselves be you adults, not administrators, not schedule reviewers, not business partners, Just be yourselves number three. Touch each other a lot, and it's not I'm not saying it has to be sex, but walk by and brush their back, give them a hug. Hugs are so healing and so connecting. Sit closer, hold hands, build that body. Trust again. Your body will has muscle memory. It will start to remember the feelings. It will start to have, like flashbacks of like, oh, right, I love the way this feels. Get in each other's energy again, get in each other's space, and, yeah, that includes booty grabs when you're at the you know, washing dishes or brushing your teeth. Number four, have the spicy combo. Say something like, I miss you. Send them a text and send them a text of like, your booty. I'm not saying you should sext, because they're probably at work, but send them a message that lets them know you want more connection. Be bold, be vulnerable. That's how real intimacy gets built, not from assumptions, not from checking shit off the to do list, from real truth. Okay? Number five, create something together. Create a bucket list together, a weekend trip. Start thinking about what y'all are going to do when your kids are all out of the house and it's just the two of you. Again, you want to start to create something that y'all can look forward to as a team that has nothing to do with your kids, right? We want to remember why we said yes to them in the first place, and it's still deep, deep, deep within there. But it's not just going to bubble up with on its own. We've got to actually put some real intention to it, just like you would do when you're helping your kid learn how to ride a bike, just like you do when you show up every single day and choose healthy foods and move your body right. Change is possible in any area of your life, but there is no magic fucking pill. And I really, really want to just go on a quick reminder with you for just a second, I love the way our life is right now. We have so many beautiful things available at our fingertips to help us create and live our best life, but it has created a habit and expectation that everything is a one click button, no shame here, but there is a pill and a shot promising you complete overhaul and change in just a moment. The truth is, none of that is actually true. Maybe it's a good Kickstart to help you get things going, but ultimately, the only way to create long, lasting, sustainable, true, unbelievably gorgeous change is to make a very clear vision of what you really, really want, and then you create a belief that it's possible, and then you create a plan to help you get there, and you choose to show up every single day, helping working toward that plan. And that's in business, that's in health, that's in parenting, that's in marriage, that's in financial success, all of it. Yes, there are great things out there that help kick start, that you can take a melatonin to help you fall asleep, but ultimately, melatonin eventually will stop working, because our body will create an immunity to it. So yes, if the goal is to get more sleep, what it what are some things you can start doing everything ever in your day to help you create a better sleep routine. The same thing with your marriage. It deserves the nurture, the consistent nurturing and effort that you are putting into. The other areas of your life, and when you do choose to do this, the ROI is going to be amazing, because you will feel seen and supported and less alone, and you guys will be able to pull off more for your kids when you're doing it together, when your relationship is strong, you feel safer, sexier, seen, more supported in motherhood and more supported in your damn life. You have someone literally on the front lines with you, who knows you so well, who has chosen to be in this with you,

Scottie Durrett  20:31  
who wants the same or similar things that you do. So you have a built in support and team, and you also kind of like each other. There's a little bit of fun chemistry there. And this isn't just about romance or sex. It's about your identity. It's about waking up and loving your life and feeling real pure joy, because a woman who feels connected and loved, she shows up on fire for herself, her kids and her life. Now you don't have to go back to anything. You're not that newly wed. You're not the you pre kid. So don't expect that. It's going to happen. Same thing with like our workouts. We're not going to be able to work out and eat like we did when we were 22 so let's figure out how to move romance and nourish ourselves at our best, where we are right now. This is about looking at where you both are right now, what you both want right now, and remembering that and connecting again. You guys are capable of so much magic. You can move forward with a new kind of intimacy, a deeper one, because, holy crap. Look at what y'all have been through. Y'all have built an incredible foundation. Look at who you've become. You're wiser, you're stronger, you're more real, right? That is incredible connection, that there's so much potential in that relationship that could knock your socks off, sexually, emotionally, spiritually and manifest, help you manifest literally everything that you want. So text your partner today. Text them, Hey, I've miss you. I've been thinking about you. Do you want to go on a date this weekend? Do you want to try something new together? One text, just one text. That's all it takes. That's all it's going to take to get started. I always think like it's just one glass of water, it's just one workout, it's just one walk, it's just one text, and guess what? Then you just do it the next day, one intentional move back toward each other. And really, I want to encourage us not to wait until things are broken. Don't wait until the kids are older or gone. Start now, because they're actually going to benefit more than you realize, if your foundation with your partner is spiced up, reignited and strong, they get a stronger package, an amazing example, and better vibrational energy and love within the house. Start now with what you have and who you are, and please don't give up your kids don't ever want to, even if it's only subconsciously, they don't ever want to know that they were possibly the reason why you and your partner started to drift apart. If this episode hit home, please send it to a mom, a friend, who needs to remember she deserves more than just surviving her relationship. Y'all deserve to feel everything that you want to feel. You're not just keeping your marriage alive, you're bringing it back to life. And please go click the plus sign at the top of the page so you can subscribe to momplex every week, I drop a ton of bold, honest, Soul fueled conversations that remind you that you're not just a mom. You're a whole damn woman. You're a whole damn person, and you deserve a life and a love that lights you up, and when you're lit up, you're the thermostat. That's what, that's the that's the that's the tone of the house. And just imagine your kid 20 years from now, give them the blueprint, show them how to nurture a relationship, give them the tools for that. I'm going to be dropping a part two of this conversation, because we have to talk about the elephant in the room, and that is not wanting to have sex with your partner. If you're feeling totally libido dry, if it hurts to have sex and feels like sandpaper down there, or if you just literally want to be left alone. 24/7, like you love your partner but you don't want to have sex, that's going to be a conversation I think, is really, really important that's going to be coming out very soon. So make sure you subscribe. You don't miss it. I love you, Mom. Hey Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together. And if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottyderette.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time mom trust yourself. Trust your gut, you already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.