302. “I Learned from Watching You”

Scottie Durrett  0:01  
Scottie, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty Durrett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. Hey, my beautiful mama, and welcome back to the podcast. I'm your host. Scotty Durrett, I'm so happy you're here. Today's another solo episode pouring out my heart and thinking about you constantly, thinking about our kids constantly. I think I'm always thinking about ways to create episodes that not only are engaging, but that are relatable and enticing and help you feel seen and heard and understood, but also give you some options, options of ways to show up that help you feel more connected to who you are, and helps you feel more solid in your footing, so that when you're walking around dealing with all the stuff That life is dishing out. You know, you have your own back and you feel supported. And today's topic is no different from that. I actually have to take you all back to the 90s for a little bit. I'm curious. Who here is old enough to remember that commercial? I can close my eyes and visualize exactly what the dad and the sun look like. It's kind of grainy, but the dad walks into his son's bedroom, and he's opening up one of those old cigar box looking things, and inside there's foil and drug paraphernalia. And the dad is losing it, you know, he asks his son, how did you learn to do this? And the son probably early teens. He's crying and he shouts back at his dad. I learned it from watching you. Ooh, that was such a powerful commercial. I was a teenager at the time, and it affected me then too. I don't know exactly the date of that commercial, but I'm assuming it's around the same time as Nancy Reagan's just say no campaign that impact hit hard, and honestly, it still hits, because here's the truth that I don't think people are saying out loud enough, our kids are watching all the time, and they are learning how to be human by watching us, not from what we say, but from what we do. In fact, I was talking to a mom who's a client of mine, and you know, she has these beautiful values that she wants her kids to constantly help those who are less fortunate than her kids. So she wants to take them to soup kitchens and help them support the homeless and help them support people's mental health, and always be the one in the cafeteria who goes and, you know, up and includes that kid who might be sitting by themselves. And she was always asking me, you know, what should I say? What should I say to make sure that they understand how important this is to me? I said, this is not about what you say. How else do you think you could show them that this is important to you? And she thought about it for a second, and she said, Oh my gosh, I do it. I show them by helping out those who are less fortunate mean by volunteering in the soup kitchen, by donating my time and my energy, means so much to me, and it was such a beautiful AHA that she created in that moment for herself, because it isn't about the words, it's about our behavior. And she realized I've been showing them that for years, so they've gotten the message, which is the coolest thing in the world, because it means you could take pressure off yourself. Not every moment with your kids has to be a let's sit down and talk about the importance of this message moment. We're doing that 24/7, just by the way that we are showing up in our life. You know, going back to that commercial, my parents were not into drugs. They barely drank. In fact, make sure you don't have little ears around here, but when my brother and I used to have parties, we could drink the vodka and then refill the vodka bottle back with water. And my parents never knew until they opened the pantry and there was like things growing in the I grew up in New Orleans, and where the drinking age was basically a suggestion, and I was going to bars in middle school. So even though I didn't learn substance and drinking use from my parents, I still learned a hell of a lot from watching the grown ups, my friends, parents and my friends, the kids going around me and you know what, who the bouncers were letting into all the bars. And take it even further today, our kids aren't just watching us and their friends, right? You think about how we grew up. I had 17 Magazine and Cosmo magazine. I had Madonnas like a virgin and Tiffany and all those artists and Metallica trying to think of like what else. You know, we had MTV. We had TV, but it wasn't a. Demand, and we had magazines, but we had our environment, our parents, our caregivers, our teachers and our peers, right? That was our influence today. Our kids just aren't watching TV or us anymore. They're also watching influencers and YouTubers and reality TV stars and scrolling Tiktok feeds that rewire their brains in real time. So truthfully, as parents nowadays, we can't act like the Well, when I was a kid, still applies because it doesn't. We didn't grow up with Snapchat streaks and the gram filters and face tune or the pressure of going viral, or seeing the speed of information. And now socializing and dating and communication is all online. So as a parent, I know like me, you struggle constantly with these thoughts of like, should I let them have the phone? Should they not have a phone? But then you're like, I need to reach them, and I like that safety factor, right? And so then you're thinking, Should I be scrolling through their phone late at night and seeing what their conversations are? But then I don't want them to not think I don't trust them, you know? I don't want them to think that I am a helicopter parent, right? Also, you think your kid has an Instagram account, but now they have secret, super Instagram accounts, and they have private accounts and close friends groups, and there's so much we don't even know. But that does not mean that we're powerless, and that does not mean that we're not capable of educating ourselves. Remember that neuroplasticity that I talked about and how their brains are being rewired. Our brains can too, and we can learn how to become more comfortable with the current landscape of life, and set forth an example that we feel really good about for our kids, which they're going to appreciate because life is hard, and they're looking to us to figure out, like, how do I navigate this? Right? But truthfully, I think the first thing we want to do is to be honest with ourselves that we have no clue what it feels like to grow up in their world, and pretending like we do is not helpful. I have no idea what it's like to be a 1314, 15 year old and have a phone in my hand. No clue what that is. So when we can get honest and clear about how much influence we actually do have and using that as a helpful tool to guide them, support them. It will not only help them build confidence and help them build self esteem, so then they're able to really default to a stronger core when they're facing the scroll right, but it will actually improve your relationship with them, and they will feel safe to come to you when they need your support, right? Because all of that is going to be amazing armor that will help us deal with the ever changing, hot pressure landscape that they are growing up in and that we're growing up in, right? So let's talk neuroscience for a sec. You know, I love a good brain chat, I am so obsessed with our brain children's brains, they're still developing until age 25 age 25 I mean, can we just think about that for a second, and how many decisions are they making on a daily basis before they turn 25 right? Because during adolescence, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for judgment and impulse control, is under construction, meaning it's not even fully closed. It's not even fully mature. Meanwhile, the amygdala, which drives emotion, is in overdrive. So if you think about this combination of our kids, they are moving through the world with a ton of visual and mental and emotional stimulation, they don't have a mature filter through which to form judgment and impulse control, and yet, they have a massive amount of emotion fueling them. That's a pretty interesting combination. I mean, honestly, now that I'm thinking about this, phones really shouldn't be allowed until age 25

but that means your kid isn't just being dramatic. They are literally processing emotion faster than they can logically understand it. Can you close your eyes for a moment, if it's safe to do so. And remember a time when you were a teenager, when you felt totally overwhelmed by life. Maybe there was a lot of drama going on with your friend group, maybe the pressure of trying to get into college or keep up your grades or be the star athlete on the field, or get that person to like you, and you were just so overwhelmed by everything, and you felt like no one understood you, that you didn't really have anybody to turn to, and that life was so freaking hard. So what did you do? You went to your friends, probably picked up the phone, and called your two besties on your three way phone that you know, the swatch phone. Um, and you just vented, which is a wonderful I think it's incredible having peer, strong friends and peers is so, so helpful for our kids. I bet you can remember this, though. Now imagine that feeling, but with information coming at you 100 times faster, with filters, with dance moves with insane bodies, with insane accomplishments, and without any kind of explanation. It's just you have to take it at face value. That would affect how you see and experience the world, wouldn't it? And as parents, we need to remember that our kids model of the world is not just being formed by our words. It's being formed by the experiences they're having in and out of the house, and the things that they're seeing, the emotions they're feeling, the sounds that they're hearing, all of that is forming their unique model of the world and our unique models of the world. They have filters that our brains are filtering information to help us move through life, and so we want to make sure that we still have an influence on how that filter is being formed, and that they know that if that filter isn't helping them in the best way possible, they still have us to lean on right and they're watching you figure out how to handle All of that intensity we as moms and parents are the example that are going to show them how to process, how to respond, how to handle all that Life social media and the world is dishing out you.

Oh, so I want to ask, let's think about it. How are you handling your life right now? Because how you do one thing is how you do everything, and that's how you're showing them, according to Albert bandura's social learning theory, children learn behaviors through observation, imitation and modeling. So think about that. If you're saying eat your veggies and you're eating a bag of popcorn, they're not even going to hear what you're saying. They're just going to learn from watching you. I mean, think about your kids brain. They have stuff on their mind too. You know how you're sitting at the kitchen table and your kids doing their homework and you're thinking about dinner, you're also probably thinking about 100 other things at the same time. They're no different, so we need to start paying attention. If we're constantly scrolling, they're going to internalize that as normal and okay. If we're anxious all the time, that becomes how we deal with stress. That's how they are going to deal with life. You know, if you're numbing out each night with a bottle of wine and a bunch of edibles, guess what message they're getting. And if you're ignoring your ailments, if you're ignoring your sleep, if you're not drinking water, if you're not putting the right fuel in your body, if you're not setting boundaries or speaking kindly to yourself, that vibe is what they will pick up on, even if you're telling them one thing, it doesn't matter, because how you're showing up. That's the lead example, and this is why so often, when you think about as a coach, as a teacher, when you are having a conversation with someone you love, it's not even about the words. You don't even have to worry about getting the words right. It's about the energy behind the words. It's about how you back it up right. Now, add this and on top of that, the American Psychological Association says teens who spend more than three hours a day on social media are at significantly higher risk for mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. I read somewhere that one in three kids, and I don't remember where I'll have to find this resource for you. I read psychology magazine a lot, so maybe it was in there, but don't quote me on that. One and three teenagers walking the halls at school are battling severe anxiety and clinical depression, and yet, the average teen spends almost eight hours a day consuming social media, and 75% of teens, according to the American Psychological Association, 75% of teens say social media affects their self esteem. As a teenager, I was oozing out confidence and self esteem on the daily. I mean, every ounce of my confidence was just pouring out of me non stop, just because of life, of not knowing who I was, of the natural habit of our bodies and our brains comparing ourselves to other people, especially in middle school, when kids are going through puberty at different times, I am a girl, and I developed really, really early. I looked 16. When I was 12, I didn't have the mental stability, emotional awareness and maturity to handle that, and I definitely didn't have the ability to handle the unsolicited, unwelcome attention I started getting from older men and guys in my life because I looked older and I didn't know what to do, so it led me to an eating disorder, and we can talk about this another time, but when you are feeling overwhelmed by what's happening in your life, you feel really out of control. It makes you incredibly anxious. You feel anxious. One of the ways that we tend to help ourselves work through the anxiety is that we like to feel control. We like to feel like we have all the information. So when I developed really early and I started getting unwanted attention, it made me very scared. Felt very unsafe, very ungrounded, and I didn't know what to do. So I formed an eating disorder, and I became incredibly anorexic. Because what happens when you become anorexic, you lose all of that feminine, voluptuous, voluptuousness. And I felt like I then had control over my body again, and I blocked all that unwanted attention, but I didn't have an example of how to handle this, and I didn't know who to go to at that time. And now there's going to be stuff that my kids come to me that I've never been through before in my life. But last year, my daughter went through something very scary and very alarming, and you know what? She felt comfortable coming to me think, fucking goodness. I'm so grateful for that. And from that point on, I even recommitted to my own mental, emotional, spiritual health, because I truly believe that me setting this example, that how I feel, my value, my worth, that you know, how I'm handling and learning how to grow through life. I think she felt safe, that I was somebody who could be there for her, thank fucking goodness. And I'm not saying that any mom is doing this better. This is not a conversation for us to feel bad or any shame. This is just for us to have awareness, right? Because our influence at home matters more than ever, because you're their emotional blueprint in a world that's trying to reprogram them. And this episode is not meant to scare you into thinking that you're a bad mama. You're not. You're the perfect mama for your kid. You are your kid's mom for a reason. The mere fact that you're listening to this episode means you care so freaking much and you want the best for you and your family and your kids. So you're already amazing. You're already being the best mom you could ever be for your kids. So what can we do? What can we do to help our kids in this landscape so that when they say things I learned from watching you were like, hell, yeah, you did. I love what you learned. I'm so excited about that. So how can we take our power back and help them do the same? We have to go first. I talk about this all the time. You go first if you want to teach your kids how to swim, you have to know how to swim. You cannot just toss them in the deep end and give them to somebody else. You cannot do that. You have to know how to get through it. So if you want them to have boundaries with screens, show them yours. If you want them to feel good in their bodies, talk kindly about yours. If you want them to choose rest over hustle, take a damn nap and be proud of it. If you want them to learn healthy habits around self care, food, self talk, relationships and love, you have to learn those healthy habits and live them, because communication isn't just about what you say my NLP certification, this is what I've learned about the communication model. 7% is words, that's it. 38% is tone. 55% is body language. So even if you say don't vape, get off your phone, eat your veggies, if your body, your tone and your vibe are screaming the opposite. Your kids will follow the vibe, not the lecture every single time, and this is where nature meets nurture. Yes, your kids are born with their own personalities, tendencies and little soul blueprints, and they are magical miracles, but the environment you create, the energy in your home, the way you handle stress, the way you show love or self loathing, those things stick deep. Say, you say something, or you catch yourself. You're like, oh my gosh, was that my mom? I literally just sounded and said exactly what my mom said, right? I literally just did that thing my mom did, I literally I feel like I'm in my mom's body. Here's the real talk, if your kid copied you in every way, with how you take care of yourself, your self talk, your relationship with food, your relationship with your partner, your social media habits, your stress response, your. Coping skills you're sleeping. Would you be proud of that version for them, or would you want to go back and show them a better way? This isn't about perfection. This is about intention. You don't need to have it all figured out. You just need to be willing to check yourself before you wreck their model of what's normal. Because if they're learning from watching us. Let's give them something worth copying, and this is a beautiful two sided gift, because when you prioritize this high vibe example for your kid, you also benefit. You also are setting an example for your own life, and it will just continue to open up success for you, right? So when you choose, let's say that self care is hard for you. Maybe you didn't see it growing up, and I understand how much you have on your plate, just start doing it with them as the motivation. If I feed myself really good foods, then they will eat the same foods I'm eating, which means that they will have a better physiological body that's going to help them with their exams, and it's going to help them move through the day, and they'll be able to compete at the sports they love, and they'll sleep better, and their body will work better, and their heart will have a longer, healthier, stronger existence, right? But you also benefit, because you're taking care of you. So take inventory this week. Ask yourself, What habits do I want my kids to learn from me?

Where am I saying one thing and modeling another? And you know, my small shifts like, what's one small shift I can make today to be the example I'd want them to follow and then go make that move. No guilt, no shame, just one aligned choice at a time. Start small. Maybe you want them to drink more water, maybe you want them to spend less time on their phone. Maybe you want them to spend more time outside and get vitamin D, whatever it is you want, trust that and just go into that first thing and give it a shot. And if this is home for you, please forward this episode to your mom squad. We're all in this together, and the more we talk about this, the more we can encourage and help each other, and the more we support each other in showing up thinking about this soul first living it's the better off our kids will be, and that way, our conversations don't always have to be about judging other moms or gossiping. They can be bragging about y'all. I got eight hours of sleep last night, and I put my phone on airplane mode, and I didn't pick it up for at least 30 minutes before I went to bed, and I drank a glass of water today, and your friends will be like you are about us, and I love you for it, and I'm cheering you on. Now, if you want help figuring out what kind of example you're setting and how to shift that with grace and ease and zero judgment, I'm your girl book, a clarity reading with me. I'll drop the link in the show notes, and let's decide your energy and help you show up, living your life, manifesting your priorities in your real life, you will thank yourself for it. Kids will thank yourself. Your future self will thank you. I'm telling you, this is the gift that will keep on giving, and it takes pressure off of you, always knowing the right thing to say and having to be perfect. You're just living the highest example for your kids, they will be observing that. They will imitate it. They will model it. And when someone says to them, how are you such a badass? How are you able to crush life? And you're gonna say, I learned from watching my mom. Love you. All right, Mama, that's a wrap on today's episode. Thank you so much for listening, but before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, remember this. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you sure as hell don't have to do this on autopilot. If this episode hit home, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we are in this together. And if you're feeling extra generous, please drop a review. It helps momplex reach more mamas who need this real talk until next time. Trust yourself, trust your gut and remember you already know what to do, and you are the perfect mama for your kiddos. See you next time. Mama love You. You.