305. Beyond Burnout: Prioritizing Your Mental Health (and Teaching Your Kids to Do the Same)

Scottie Durrett : 
Hey there, my beautiful mama, and welcome back to momplex. This is the space where we get real about the mess of life, the chaos. There's so much magic that we talk about and the mental load of modern motherhood, it's a lot. So listen, it's may also known as mental health awareness month. Thank goodness. I think every month should be mental health awareness month, but specifically, I'm so glad it has its own month, and I want to have a brutally honest conversation with you, thankfully but also heartbreakingly, we finally are starting to talk more openly about mental health. It is slowly creeping its way out of the taboo hush hush we don't talk about it into the much more common of conversations. I accredit this to a couple of things. One, the landscape of life. I think there are more people who are struggling truthfully with the pressures of, you know, money and success and trying to keep up with the shiny objects they see on their, you know, little devices. But I also have to give a lot of credit to the Gen Zs, my daughter's generation. They are a beautifully complicated yet very empathetic generation, and I believe truly that they are going to be the generation that really make some deep, long, lasting change, especially around things like mental health, which for a long time was just not something that you talked about, especially out in public. But I believe that in order for us to, you know, really thrive, that has to be as we want to become as comfortable talking about mental health as we are about, you know, what we bought at the grocery store today? I'm serious, you know, but I we're I, the second thing I credit it to is the awareness that has become because we've lost people that we're in reaction to it, some in the public eye, some, for me, really close to home. You know, celebrities were reading about like Twitch, Naomi, Judd, Chelsea Chris to dear friends and loved ones that we've lost. In my close circles, the pain is real, and it doesn't go away. And while, sadly, we can't bring those people back that we've lost, we can honor them by opening up, and we do that by really speaking up, by being honest, by checking in with ourselves, by checking in on those people, by checking in with that stranger that you see that looks like his shoulders are slumped over, by normalizing getting help, by not waiting for things to fall apart before we start taking care of ourselves, because most of us don't even have not even learned about mental health growing up in school, we learn about it after someone we loved has been struggling, or worse, we've lost somebody so trying to navigate mental health as a mom, it can feel really overwhelming at this age, because I personally only learn about mental health from my own exploration and my own experiences. So it can be really overwhelming and confusing and honestly terrifying if we don't have enough information. I grew up in a household where my where therapy was accepted, which I'm incredibly grateful for, but it was still the old school kind of therapy, the one modality where you lie on the couch, you say how you feel. I had a really significant eating disorder in middle school that Carrie and carried into high school. My mom did find me a psychiatrist to talk to, but I didn't feel safe. I wasn't ready to talk to him, and I didn't believe the help would work, so I shut down. And honestly, that battle with food and control has followed me throughout my life, and at the time, when I was 12, 1314, 1516, I didn't know how to speak up. Later, when I became a mom, and I didn't even realize I had postpartum depression, it's easy to look back and see Hindsight is 2020, I just thought I was exhausted. I thought I was feeling numb and overwhelmed and joyless. This was just normal mom stuff, but it never went away, not for years, and it affected how I showed up for myself, for my kids, for my partner, and I'll never forget one morning a school drop off had just ended, and I was sitting in my car, my minivan. I had a million things on my to do list for the day, 1000 things running through my brain, but I honestly couldn't remember where I was driving next. I felt blank, not sad, not mad, just gone that foggy soul tired. I can't. Even cry right now. Moment, I don't, I can't even care moment, and that was really scary for me. That was my wake up call, because not only did I not like feeling that way, that felt very unlike me, and in that moment, I didn't know what I needed, but I knew I didn't want to stay there for me, for my kids, for the promise of my life. So I did decide to reach out to a therapist and a life coach, and I believe that move definitely saved me. And you know, the deal with mom burnout, it's, it's very, very common for us to say over and over again, I'm I'm really burned out, I'm really stressed. There's mom burnout, and then there's your mental health and nervous system screaming for attention. We want to understand the differences, right? Because research shows that maternal burnout isn't just exhaustion, it's linked to higher rates of depression and anxiety and chronic illness. I read the world psychiatry journal a lot, and it published an article specifically about maternal burnout, and mothers of young children are twice as likely to experience moderate to severe anxiety compared to the general population. So if you think about that, we as moms who are raising the next generation, we're walking around with more burnout and anxiety than somebody who is not a parent. So if you're snapping at everyone, if you're feeling emotionally numb, if you can relate to that description I just shared when I was sitting in the car, if you're crying unexpectedly, if you can't cry at all, these are not personality flaws, and these are not things you have to just get used to. They're signals your brain and your body are communicating with you, and they're asking you to please listen to these signals. That's how your body talks to us through symptoms, through things like brain fog and headaches, digestive issues, weight gain or weight loss, insomnia, random, rage, zero, motivation. These there's nothing. These are not flaws. These are red flags. Loving ones asking you to pause, asking you to pay attention and go inward. And yes, as busy moms, I know we struggle to hit the pause button. I am the queen. I am the queen of being the Energizer Bunny to a fault sometimes, and I don't know if you're like me, but I used to worry about asking for help, because I thought that meant that I wasn't a good mom, or it meant that I failed. And I always, for a long time, believe that if I invested time, energy and money into my well being, it was taking time, energy and money away from my kids. I now know that that's not true. That's I've reframed that belief, and we can talk about that, but I know, as a busy mom, we sometimes are too tired and too busy to focus on ourselves, because life, our kids, our to do list the house people have us booked all day long. But here's something I really want you to be open to receive and let it sink in. Your kids are learning how to live by watching you. They are learning how to cope and deal with life and deal with disappointment and pain and sadness and health by watching you a stat that is rather staggering, one in five teens in the United States struggle with a diagnosable mental health condition. One in five and suicide is the second leading cause of death among people aged 10 to 24 that is gut wrenching, and it's scary. How normal take you know, choosing to be on alive is now being talked about amongst kids on social media, but, but there is a big but, thank goodness your kids have you, and they're not just listening to what you say. They're absorbing what you do. They're absorbing your energy. They're absorbing your blueprint and your approach to life. If we as moms numb out, if we push through without trying to heal our pain, if we cancel our own doctor's appointments, if we skip meals if we don't sleep, if we're running on fumes. But we're calling it quote fine, they will believe that that's the way. They will learn to do the same, and they will repeat these habits when they become moms. But if we choose to do the hard work and we model self care and compassion and boundaries, and get comfortable asking for help make those doctors appointments for ourself, take those signals very seriously. Then that's how they're going to learn emotions, emotional fluency as well. That's how they're going to learn about self worth and resilience. And I. Understanding that pain can be a tool to help us, help us pivot, help us research, help us figure out what it

is we truly need, and at the end of the day, we all have a different makeup of ingredients, so my pain is going to be different than yours, but it's trying to help us figure out what's missing so we can take care of it. Your kids want to learn that too. You know, I'll open up. I'll never forget when Addie I was standing in the kitchen, I think I was putting some drinks away in our drink fridge, and Addie just appeared at my left, and I looked over, I was like, Oh, hey, honey. And she just walked and I've said, literally, Mom, I need help. In that moment, I just went into go mode. I didn't even ask why. I was just like, yep, what do you need? Let's go. Let's get you whatever help you're you're needing and desiring. Right now, I'm so happy that she felt safe coming to me and tapping me on the shoulder. I know that she had to walk from her room down the very long hallway to the kitchen and come up to me and say that, but she knew that she could, she knew that I could hold that she knew that I would be able to help her, and she knew that because she had seen me learn how to do it for myself, and while in that moment, I'm so grateful for it because it allowed me to support her in a way that she really needed to be supported, and it was a way that it was different than how I had been supporting her. So through her coming to reach out for me, and through our journey of getting her the help that she needed, we have improved our communication, and now I know her better. Now I know what signs to look for. We have a better way to check in with each other. I know more of what she needs to feel supported. For me, it, while it was heartbreaking in the moment, it cracked open a lot of healing for both of us, and that moment told me everything how we care for ourselves as moms, teaches our kids how to care for themselves. And honestly, I'd rather raise a kid who knows how to prioritize her health and regulate her nervous system than one who aces every Spanish verb conjugation right when my daughter came to me and said, Mom, I need help, I almost broke down, first out of fear and then out of confusion, but then it did eventually Turn into relief and pride, because she came to me, she felt safe, she believed I could handle it, and I could because I had done this work to handle myself first. Not every parent gets that chance. Some kids stay silent. Some kids hide behind their bedroom door. Some parents never see it coming. We all want to help our kids, but mental health is one of those areas where we have to learn how to do it first. This is where we really have to be brave and allow ourselves to become the student again, allow ourselves to admit I don't know everything, and that's okay, but when you start to open yourself up to learn, then you can learn the signs, not only for yourself, but for your kids, you learn the signs, you learn the patterns, you learn what reaching out can actually look like in your child and in yourself, because sometimes it's not as obvious as Hi, I need help. One thing that also I really learned from talking to my therapist is Don't compare yourself to other people, and definitely don't compare your kid to other kids. Don't compare your kid to their friends, not the neighbor, straight a superstar, not even yourself at that age. Compare them to themselves. Are they acting differently? Are they pulling back? Are they snapping more? Are they sleeping more? Are they eating less? Are they laughing less? Are they less talkative? Are they less engaged? Even the smallest change could be their way of saying, I don't know how to tell you, but I need you and Mama. The same goes for you. Don't compare yourself to other moms, not your best friend, not your mom, not that filtered version of motherhood you see online. Compare yourself to you. Are you feeling off? Not like yourself? More irritable, more foggy, less motivated. That's not you failing. That's your beautiful, brilliant body whispering, I need something, something else. And when we don't listen, our body just gets louder, right? The exhaustion turns into chronic exhaustion that even sleep won't heal. The neck, tension becomes migraines and clench jaw, the irritation becomes snapping, the sadness becomes shut down. All of a sudden, you have heartburn and acid reflux and stomach you haven't pooped for six days. You can't digest your food. You have no appetite or nothing. Sounds good, right? We need to start understanding that the signals from our body are only going to continue to escalate until eventually your body's like breaks are on, that the slap isn't coming. Pay attention to me. What I want us to do is not wait for that slap. Not wait for the slamming on the brakes, right? Mental health is. Just important. It's everything, and nothing is more precious than our health when we've lost it, right? So without it, without mental health, nothing else that we're doing is going to stick, not the workouts, not your kids education, not the commitments to college, not the friendships. Nothing else will stick. So here's where to start. I want to start with three small but mighty steps that you can start doing today. One, check in with yourself. First, ask yourself, How am I really doing today? What's hiding underneath the I'm fine. Number two, talk to someone, your partner, your friend, me, someone who will listen without judgment. I told park a few months ago on a walk. I was like, Babe, I don't feel like myself. I'm not I'm not falling apart. I'm not ready to, you know, drive away and never come back. But I do need support, and saying it out loud really changes everything, because then you one, you have a support system that knows what you're going through, and they want to help you. But then you look at it and you realize, I'm stronger than this, and if you don't have anyone, you have me. Number three, get support therapy is bad ass coaching is bad ass medication if you need it, also bad ass better. Help, free school counseling resources, online support groups. Help is everywhere now. Thank freaking goodness you are allowed to take it. I'll drop a few resources in the show notes. Please check them out or DM me if you need something specific that I haven't shared here. I love you, mom, and that's why I wanted to have this tough conversation. I think the more we open up about these subjects that used to be taboo, the more we will have peace, healing and joy honestly, and the more we will learn how to emotionally mature through some of those difficult times. And we will know those signs when it's more than burnout, when something is a little bit more than environmental, where we need some additional support, right? Taking care of your mental health is an indulgent. It's not a weakness. I think it's actually very brave, and it's not a luxury, it's a requirement. It's a basic freaking need, right? You deserve peace. Your birthright is to feel good, to feel loved, to feel happy. You deserve clarity. You deserve to feel like you, and if you're tired, I want you to pay attention to that. Don't just, don't just swipe around like this is just regular life. It yes, you're human, but it means there's a part of you that's asking for some focus and healing. If this episode hit home, if you feel like this subject is important and there's some other moms in your life who you think would benefit, please share it, screenshot it, text it, post it. Let's keep talking about this. Let's make it comfortable and normal to care about our mental health, starting with us. When we share and open up and talk about it, it could save someone's life, right? And if you want support, I'm here. My DMS are open always, and thank you this right here. You showing up today to listen to this episode. This is prioritizing your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. You are amazing. I'm so proud of you for listening, for being honest, for choosing yourself, for taking care of your mental and emotional and spiritual and physical health, so you can be the best example for your kids, and until next time, Mama, be gentle with yourself. You're doing better than you think, and I love you. You

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