When Life Breaks You Open: Grief, Survival & Finding Joy Again with Alexandra Wyman

Scottie Durrett  0:06  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty durett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. Hey, my beautiful mamas, today's conversations. It's one of those conversations that is going to stay with you. It's not something that you probably talk about in the grocery store or the carpool line, even though I think we should, because it's not just about grief or loss. This is about what happens when the life you imagine, the life that you were promised, the one that you planned for, the one that you worked for, the one that you dreamed about just goes away in an instant. And we're talking about identity. We're talking about strength and resilience and motherhood and healing and heartbreak and what it really takes to rebuild when the story you were writing. Basically you have to stop writing it in the middle and start rewriting a new one. My guest today is a beautiful human Her name is Alexandra Wyman. She's a mom, she's an author, she's a podcast host, and she knows this reality deeply. She's a pediatric occupational therapist. She's a single mom, and she lost her husband to suicide, and she had to find a way forward through all of this pain. But more than that, she's somebody who's learned how to peel back the layers of old beliefs, and how she faces the mess every single day, and how she chooses to put one step forward, and she's going to talk about that, so I'm really excited to have her. But if you've ever felt like your life is not turning out the way you thought it should, or you feel like you're standing in a lot of mess and wondering who you are now, where you're supposed to go from here, then today's conversation is exactly where you're meant to be. So I'm so glad you're here. Alexandra, welcome and please introduce yourself to everybody.

Alexandra Wyman  2:25  
Yeah, thank you. I mean, that was a wonderful intro. So thank you so much. It's, like, really nice to be here. I'm so honored to be able to share some of my story and the little pearls of wisdom I've found along the way. But yeah, you said it. I was that person I had my checklist. I say we get this little checklist when we're born, and it says, Here's everything you need to do, right? All that doing to give yourself this wonderful, successful life. Mine included, you know, getting good grades, going to college. Then you're supposed to find a partner, you get your house, you get married, you have your white picket fence, your dogs and your children, and everything just flowed so lovingly. And that's not even how my story went, even before I met my husband. So I was kind of a late bloomer, so I did the whole college thing, and then was like, I don't know what I'm doing, and I went and traveled instead. And I was like, I just fell from one thing to another, and then I found OT, which was great. It was a blessing in disguise. And I was like, Oh, I kind of like this. I literally fell into it. Didn't know what I was doing. I was like, What is this ot thing? And then just discovered it really fit me and my personality. And I started working with kids. And I was like, Okay, I guess I'm not really like catching the flow with everyone, but at least I found my career, like, check that box off. And then I met my husband. I literally had just said to humor, you know what? I'm not doing this anymore. I was in my mid 30s, and I said, if I knew other women who are like, I just need to be married. And I thought, Ah, it's not I need the right person to be married to. So grins, I had a friend. She's like, I just she was same age, and she was like, I just need to be married. Like, that's part of her same checklist. And so I was like, I do want to, but I'm not going to sacrifice who that person is just to be married, and then within two months, I met my husband, and it was amazing. We had an instantaneous soul connection. We just felt like we'd known each other for years. We just clicked so well. We used to joke that we were the male female version of each other. And at that time, my mentality, which is different from now. But then I was like, Oh, he completes me. I was a partial puzzle piece. He was a partial puzzle piece, and he put us together, and we were whole together. And we, I mean, we got engaged right away. We got married. Eight months later, we bought our house just. Weeks after we got married, then we found out you're having a kid right after that. So it was, I was like, woo hoo. I did this, look at me universe, like I got this checklist, check it out. Okay, like it was a little later than everyone else, but I got this, yeah, yeah. And then, as you kind of mentioned, like, within two years, he ended up dying four days before our second wedding anniversary. My husband ended up dying by suicide. And there went my beautiful, successful life of what I thought was a beautiful, successful life, there went my checklist. There went all of these hopes and dreams of what I thought was going to be my life.

Scottie Durrett  5:39  
And you talk about, I just want to go back. You said I thought he was a puzzle piece that completed me. But I don't think that anymore. And, you know, because I think that's, you know, what are we thinking about the Jerry Maguire, right? It's, and that's part of the rom com, all that pressure, you know, you this is what you you're you know, you graduate from high school, you go to college, you meet your husband or your partner, you get married. Yes, the dogs, the white picket fence, and that's interesting. What your friend was saying, I need to get married. It's time to get married. And I do think a lot of people, their biological clock starts ticking, and there is that energy behind it. And you see all your friends, you know, you can't help but feel this FOMO and this pressure. You think, Well, I can't be the one that isn't getting married. And so, yeah, we're watching all these rom coms. Yes, You complete me. So you were saying that at that moment you felt like he was so what was the moment that you felt that you realized that he wasn't the puzzle piece that completed you?

Alexandra Wyman  6:38  
Yeah, that came after, so after he passed, and after I started having to dig pretty deep into my grief. And the thing about grief and working through this kind of loss is, and I'm a believer, you can't you can't heal the present until you heal the past. So and grief just piles on. So if you have grief in the past that you haven't really healed, you're going to have it again and again, and it's all going to stir up every time you feel grief or loss in the future. So I had to really dive deep into what brought us together. I still believe we like we were very soul connected. I absolutely still believe that. But in my own healing process, I realized I don't need someone else to make me feel whole. All of that is within me. It's me figuring out how to be confident and worthy in myself to know I don't I don't need to. I enjoy being around other people, but I don't need someone else. I a good example was I was talking to a friend about this once, and she was saying how similar me. She was like, oh, I need a man to help me financially so that I can have the business I want to have. And I was like, that's exactly the type of mentality. I need the partner. I can't get the house without a partner. I can't start my business without right? It's always there's something else external. Now, don't get me wrong. Like, yes, sometimes we need partners and things to help us do things, but truly, like we're not incomplete because we don't have someone in our life.

Scottie Durrett  8:08  
Yeah, I'm so sorry. I know it's been some time, but it is I'm so sorry that you lost your husband, and I'm so sorry he's not here with you, and you are so incredibly strong. And it's, you know, this is a part of your life now, you know. And I think that's something that people who aren't going through that loss and that grief really, truly understand, right? It's grief is it's not linear, and you don't get to choose what color it is that day, or how strong it is that day, or what flavor it is, right? It just kind of becomes another family member, I guess. And so for that, that mom listening, who is experiencing some, some profound loss right now, and, you know, how can you, you know, what can you say to her in those early moments, right, of just understanding and recognition of just how hard it is, and what, how did you help yourself in those first moments? If you can remember, you know, just like the piercing loss and just, you know, the shattered life and the piercing loss and just the loneliness and like, what did you do and what really helped you? And what were the things, the things that people said or didn't say that really left a mark for you that really resonated?

Alexandra Wyman  9:25  
Yeah, that's such a great question. So there are a couple of different things that worked for me. So one of the first things was I had to find what I call an anchor. I had to find the thing that helped me get out out of bed, even if it was just to go out of the bathroom for a day. Like, that was the only outing I could do for a day. And that was my son. He was one when his dad died, so I knew I had to do something, because I was like, this cannot dictate our lives. Like, yes, we're going to be impacted by this, and it's going to be something that we have to live with. But this cannot dictate what happens in. Lives. And so I had that pretty strongly from the beginning. And so I did have support too, because I was not a great mom at that time. I just I didn't know what was happening, what the world was upside down. I didn't know which way I was going. But having that anchor, just knowing like, this is this, this is my reason, I think, is very important. And sometimes you have to borrow that reason. Sometimes you have to hold on to someone else giving you that reason before you can really internalize it and hold that for yourself. So that was one of the first things. Yeah, the other, another thing that came up for me, really, is I incorrectly thought I got this brief thing I'm gonna just, I'm gonna do this like, I have to get through this because I got to get to the other side. I'm not this cannot mark my life, the rest of my life. And so I dove in to just for me. I just needed to explore all of my feelings, all of the things, like, I wanted to know more about death, what? And granted, I was raised in a religious household. I had a pretty, pretty strong foundation spiritually, but this really rocked me and pushed me. And my whole point in saying this is, like, there will be something that kind of keeps you moving. So for instance, like, I've had some friends where it's their exercise routine that keeps them moving. For me, it was like, I need more knowledge. I need to know what is going on with me. What's happening I'm a hobby of mine is neuroscience, so I was like, I'm gonna I want to know what's going on with my brain. I want to know what's good, right? I needed more knowledge. I've known some people where they immediately, like, just, they revamped their whole house. They're just like, this is and again, all of this is within capacity of what you're able to do. But I think it's like, but you know, you've got your anchor, your reason for getting up, and then it's like, what is something outside of that business that you can be doing to kind of just also ground you into this life. It took me a long time to get there. I will say to you, though, because I just I was the shell of a person you are. You're just a shell of a person, because everything that you've known to be of your being is just gone. And there's got to be a way. I don't know that. I have an answer for how to find those little bits of hope. But there, there are ways to find little bits of hope that, again, serves as a reason to put one foot in front of the other.

Scottie Durrett  12:30  
Well, you're walking proof of that, right? I think the the way you choose to show up with your your podcast and your your account and your book, right? It's, it probably feels really far away for somebody but for her to be able to look to you and to see that there's truth in what you're saying, right, that you there's actually truth behind the words versus, you know, the the fluffy quotes that maybe don't feel as raw, right? And I think that's, you know, for somebody who's listening to this and the anchor, I've never heard of that before. I mean, if somebody feels really alone, just what if that's their their focus right now, it's just searching for an anchor. And I think you even said it, it's, it's being real about, what can you do today? Maybe it is just going to the bathroom, right? And trusting your intuition, if you if your body is telling you I need knowledge or I need movement, or I need company, or I need alone time, it's, you know, leaning into that and allowing yourself that grace, because your life was shattered in a heartbeat, really, you know. And it's like, how can we have any not there's no blueprint for that. How do we know how to get through that, until we actually get through that? And thankfully, you have found a path, and now you're sharing it with other people. And I'm so glad that you're you are using your voice, because there's so many people who are going through that right now, and they feel so alone. So thank you for being so strong and for brave that way. Because I know someone listening right now is literally looking you up, saying, Thank you. Thank you. Alexandra is going to be my anchor right now.

Alexandra Wyman  14:11  
Well, thank you. Yeah, it's it's not easy. I think one of the things that happens for me is just that I There are lots of resources. They're just not all centralized, and I didn't know how to find them, and so I wanted to have something where it's like, here's a book that tells you all the shit that I went through, and then also, like, and here are the ways and and a lot of what I say, honestly, I don't feel like comes directly from me. This is from, like, my spirit team. This is from my spirituality of, say, like, I'm going to be the conduit, because a lot of it, honestly, at first, I was like, I'm not saying this. I'm not saying you can find compassion for people. Like, what are you talking about, doing this? And then I was like, okay, like, the more it came up. And so I think that's also a big thing down the line, not. You're in it to win it like not when you're in the first acute part of this, but so many people find ways, after a major loss to find their meaning and purpose that is introduced through the loss that they had. And I think being open and aware to that is also really special and important.

Scottie Durrett  15:21  
What are a few of the anchor What are when it wasn't so acute? What are some of the other things that you remember just being very, very helpful. The neuro, I love that you called it your hobby, the neuroscience, and you have your spirit team. What are some talk about that a little bit, because that might help open up somebody their mind's eye to solutions. Like you said that there isn't a blueprint, so you probably had to kind of try this a little bit, dabble here a little bit, but maybe something that really helped you might just trigger something and open up somebody's mind's eye to the I didn't even know that was out there. But what are some things that really helped you?

Alexandra Wyman  16:01  
Yeah, there's lots of things that I tried. So I'll say, first of all, with the movement, my doctor was like, You need to move. And I said, You go move. Like you do it the biggest dance room ever. You move for me. Okay, like, Are you kidding me, right now? Do you know what I've been through? I had a lot of that for a while. So movement, it is really important. I journaled a lot. I mean, there are so many feelings I had, and I didn't always have a place to put those feelings. So I journaled. I screamed. I did screen therapy. I would go and like, whether it was in my car, which sometimes people would walk by and I would scare them, or I'd be in my closet screaming into a pillow. I anyway, I went to a smash it room. I was like, I just need to take this big AX, and I need to listen to heavy metal, and I need to just annihilate a bunch of furniture. So there, there was that. I also found that, you know, one of the things that's common for grief is that the people you think are going to show up for you don't, and the people that you didn't expect to will, and you have to kind of ride that wave a little bit. There were people I thought for sure would be there for me, and they just didn't know what to do with me, so they couldn't be there. Other people were able to just check in for me. It was I found it very helpful, because so often with a death, any kind of death, people go, Well, what do you need? And it's like, I don't know what I need. Like, my life just got turned out. Can you bring them back? Like, I don't know. And so then we go to food, right? We all like to bring food and bake food, because it's at least we feel like we're doing something. And I did. I would just take people's food and then individuals who could just reach out and text and say, thinking about you. Those were the ones that were the most meaningful, because they didn't have an expectation of me responding. They were just saying, I'm thinking about you. I love that. It wasn't transactional. It was just, I'm here for you. So I found that to be really helpful.

Scottie Durrett  17:52  
I appreciate your honesty about the friends that you expect to show up didn't show up. Because I think that can happen in a lot of pivotal times in our life, right? And, you know, there's always extremes, but I remember that happening when I got engaged and when I got married, and when I lost my grandmother, and when something happened with my child, you know, you, you just think that people can handle it, but I, I like these conversations so much because it it allows people to put words to feelings, and it allows people to put things into an understanding when they don't have the knowledge around it. I think what happens for a lot of people, right? They when they see their friend in turmoil, it's stressful. So what? It's fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and now there's flop, right? And, I mean, it's, it's, yeah, it's like, that's a whole new one. It's just like, people go into these innate reactions and they can't really control it. But it still doesn't mean it doesn't have an impact. And I think that's important that you brought it up, because I know that for somebody going through it, that's a whole nother layer of hurt, a whole nother layer of loss, right? And so how did you navigate that through?

Alexandra Wyman  19:08  
And I found that, like the loss, and this was a big lesson I had to learn, the loss doesn't just wasn't my husband dying, there's a loss of who I was before, like who I was with him, who I was after the life I had with him, the life I had after all of that was more loss. And it doesn't mean that there wasn't gratitude or blessings through through there, but it's that attachment to the expectation around those I was attached to where my life was going with him. I was now faced with another life that did not include him, and that was really hard. Then you have friends, yes, people you think are going to show up. And honestly, death just makes people feel weird anyway. And grief can make people do weird things, especially if money is involved, like it can just it can be horrendous. And plus, I'll say the system we have at least. Here in the US is that things have to be settled very quickly. And you can't even really start grieving before. You have to, like, settle in a state. Like, it just doesn't make much sense. So you've got heightened emotions with something that's business. Like, it just, it's not it's not great. And so, to your point, I think there's like, just giving yourself permission to ride the wave, which the wave is not fun. But as you said, I am someone who can say, Oh yeah, there is another side to it. There is totally another side and just keep going. And if I have to be someone, if I can be someone, to keep reminding you to just keep going, let me do that, because the moment I had my first glimpse of joy after my husband died, and I was like, What is this thing that I want more of it like, this is great. What do you mean? I can still have this. What do you mean I can still make plans and enjoy things like, Aren't I supposed to just be sad the rest of my life? That's another piece of it too. Is you don't have to be like mourning forever, right? There's this, there was very much this feeling for me where it was, like some people and they never said it, right? But there's a underlying theme of, like, why aren't you over it yet? And then there's also like, how can you be over it? Like, what are you doing? You're supposed to be mourning. Like, there's just no, no winning in that. And that's where I say you have to just quiet all the stuff around you and just try and stay focused in who you are and really grounded in who you are, because that is what will guide you.

Scottie Durrett  21:31  
Ask questions of people who've been through it. You know what you just said, we are not educated formally in school, that this is how you would handle in a state that this is here you are. You just had a newborn. You You know, it's all roses and sunshine, and you're about to celebrate your second wedding anniversary, and it's, you know, it's a 180 right? And so it's, you had to educate yourself, new knowledge, new language, new routine, new pathway, single parenting. There's so many news that you didn't ask for, and it's like you said, there's just a lot of pendulum swinging, right? Like you're trying to survive for your son, you're trying to survive for yourself, right? And it's there's no education. And so I for someone listening who's going through this, I think it's a beautiful permission that you gave them. You know, it's this, the intent isn't that you have to abide by anybody else's timeline, right? It's really trusting yourself, but leaning on people who've been through it, you know, so that you can ask those questions that you were like, I can't I don't even know what I'm facing right now. You know, because your friends who haven't been through it, they won't know, and that's okay too. I think that's okay too, right?

Alexandra Wyman  22:46  
I found a lot of comfort initially, from a support group. There's focus for everything, Facebook groups, for everything, you know, where I could be around people who just had an understanding, where I just felt like I didn't have to explain myself, I didn't have to explain, like they just knew they all had losses by suicide as well. And while all of those losses are completely unique and different, there's just when you have a loss that's similar. There are just feelings and the abruptness like you've talked about and your life gets turned upside down, and just being around people who understood that. And so it took me a while to create a community that I finally went, Oh, okay, like, here are the people who are non judgmental, who can I can be around and who understand me and are okay being around me. And that was really helpful, but it took time. So I guess that's the other thing I'd like to say, is if it's not happening right away, it doesn't mean it can't or it won't, but part of this is isolating and can feel very lonely. I've also known people who haven't felt loneliness at all because they're there are people just stepped up and knew so it is very individualized. But if you are experiencing that, like, one, you're not alone, and two, there are ways to connect.

Scottie Durrett  23:55  
I love that. It Yeah, keep going. And I think that could apply to a lot of things that we go through as women and moms, you know, it's like, keep keep trying, and keep advocating for yourself, and keep trusting that that voice inside of you that says, I but I want, I need, I desire, right? I think that's a good direction. Like, if you're not getting the support from your immediate group, seek it. Keep searching, right? Like there's people out there who can help us. And I, you know, it's, I always think about that. There's so many women and moms that I think suffer in silence. You know, they try to be strong for their kids. Oh, I, you know, it's okay. I'll deal with it later. Like you said, I'll get through this grief by myself. I can manage this. I can get through this. And even if maybe we get through that day, it's our body is keeping score. Things are going on. It's still, it's still getting wrapped up in our in our muscle memory and in our neural pathways, and you know, it's still going to be with us. And so I always say, even just like that one, that one person, right? Just so you know that there's somebody out there who. Like, girl, I see you. I see you today. I see you today, right? You talk about the healing the before you've said, part of your healing journey wasn't just about losing your husband, right? You also talk about, you know, like you had some limiting beliefs. I want to talk about how a lot of this stuff kind of just that was a good segue, kind of how some stuff was really coming up. Like this really opened up. This was a wound, right? Like this really kind of opened up a lot of stuff in you. And I think it's important to be honest, because it might like talk about your healing journey, because you really talk about that you weren't just losing your husband. You really had to face some old wounds and limiting beliefs and how that kind of helped change how you're showing up now as a woman and a mom,

Alexandra Wyman  25:51  
oh yeah. Gosh, man, if we could go back and change right hindsight, it's good.

Scottie Durrett  25:59  
I am my my eyesight for Hindsight is like a fighter pilot clarity. I I mean, yeah,

Alexandra Wyman  26:09  
oh, man, if I had that kind of vision when I was a kid, be totally different life, um, and I will say I had to work through also just guilt and shame around that in and of itself, of go, like reflecting and realizing my own patterns and core wounds and then going, oh boy, that that was difficult. And again, not anything where I was a terrible person, but just having to reflect. It can be yucky. It can be so hard. I call it going through the sludge. You gotta work through the sludge, and when you can take away some of that guilt and shame, or all of it, and say like this, like I am a believer. I'm going to be woo for a second, but I am a believer that my soul chose me, my parents, my life, my lessons, and when I can reflect on that, it kind of takes a little bit of the pressure off, not that I don't have responsibility, because I do, but just a bigger understanding of these are the lessons I've needed to learn and so some of those core boons. I mean, I had a lot of insecurity. I was still I'm a recovering people pleaser. I call myself a recovering outcome controller. That was my safety. If I could control how a situation, how it worked out that was my safety and so letting go of that and trusting, trusting God, trusting myself, I was like, What? What is this T word? I don't even know this T word like so I had to work through a lot of that. I myself also struggled with feelings of abandonment and neglect, even though I did not have I did not have anyone in particular who overtly abandoned or neglected me, but just in in childhood experiences internalize those feelings and so I and all of that was brought into this whole connection I had with Sean, my late husband, and I recognize that, and I have even had to work through feelings of blame over how he died. And let me just say because I feel like I have to say it, but if you've had a loss by suicide, you are not at fault like you do not you have no blame. There's no blame in suicide. There just isn't and so I just Yeah, so I really had to reflect on the kind of person that I was and the struggle that I had in just like maintaining relationships from a very healthy, grounded place. And I'm not there. I'm a work in progress, but I feel like now the person that I am is very different than the person that I was. And while I do say like there's nothing good that comes out of him dying at all, but very early on, I said, maybe some good can come out of whatever process I have. And I absolutely still agree with that.

Scottie Durrett  28:53  
I believe you as well. I believe that everything we go through has a purpose and is a guidance, right? And it's, it's, it's hard, because you absolutely want Sean to be here with you right now, right? And it's, it's not that we want the lessons sometimes that we're actually having to go through. But like you said, if we are going through these lessons, I go outside and I just talk to the universe. I talk to God, I'll hug a tree and it there's something in that energy that will make me feel less alone. And I'm like, okay, and I have a hard time with the trust. I mean, gosh, how many of us are like, if I can just manipulate my kids and this person and that stranger in traffic, then everything today will be okay, right? You know, we can't manipulate. We can't go back in time. We can't go back to our, you know, things with our parents, but I am so thankful for the conversations that we're having now because and I really want to highlight what you said you specifically were not abandoned by a person as a child. However, abandonment was a big part of your life. But I love that. Thank you for saying it. Because I doesn't, doesn't have to necessarily be an event, right, or something that you would have in the movies, right? What it's it's a it's a relative experience, right? And what it does to us is what it does to us. And I think we have to take stock of what we're bringing with us into our relationships, and who's coming with us? What past versions of us are coming with us into certain conversations and relationships? And I think it's great when we recognize them and we take care of them, right? And that's beautiful what you've done, because you clearly are, you know, your your heart got cracked open in a lot of different ways. When you lost your husband, you know, and with that now, how is that affecting how you're showing up as a mom? Oh, gosh,

Alexandra Wyman  30:52  
the big question. No, I love this. I love talking about it, you know, I so similar to kind of how I've noticed, I'm noticing my own pattern of like, I need all the knowledge. I need all the knowledge. So I, very early on, was like, I don't know what I'm doing. Like, I right? When you have this expectation, like, I don't know what I'm doing, he doesn't know what he's doing, but the two of us together as parents, will figure out what we're doing, right. Like, that was kind of the viewpoint. And then after he passed, I was like, Oh, I better. I gotta, I gotta do something, because I gotta figure this out. And so one thing I'll say is like, I have definitely switched how I feel a relationship between a parent and a child is raised in a household where it was like the children, however they behave reflected on the parenting of the parents. I don't really align with that anymore at all, really. And I think children are just as much a guide for us as we are for them. And and I have found that this lesson, there are a lot of lessons I'm learning at the same time I'm trying to teach my son. So that's that's very interesting to do even things like my own regulation, like, Oh, I'm feeling like I'm emotionally dysregulated. I better, maybe I should take some breaths and do that while you were also taking some breath, right? That same kind of concept. But I think overall, one of the main things that I want to do for my son is to teach him how to be him and who he is. Sorry if that dinging is coming through. Hold on. Let me just Okay finally. But one of the things is I want him to just be solid in who he is. I really struggled with self worth my whole life. I gave my worth away to people like it was candy. It's like, oh, I'm in a work relationship. I'm going to have you be the reflection to me of how I'm doing versus me know how I'm doing. And so I don't want that for him. I mean, again, he'll have his own lessons, but really, just trying to help him be solid in who he is, to not be small, because other people might make comments or do things, and I hope that I can continue again as I become more grounded in who I am, be able to teach him how to be grounded in who he is again, also the emotional piece is huge for Me, obviously, given what happened with his dad, and so just trying to help him be like a healthy human being from that emotional perspective, is huge. I love that

Scottie Durrett  33:31  
too, because what you were talking about in regards to grief, it's how nuanced it is, right? Not everybody is going to grieve the way somebody else thinks or believes they should. And so can we have strength that what I need is best for me, and have power in that, right? And that really comes in that self worth piece. And that, what a beautiful lesson, because that's going to be able to apply for him in every pie of his. You know, I think about life as a pie chart, right? It just like spills into every single piece that that self worth, and that's so important for kids, especially kids being raised by a single parent, right? Because you're trying to take on the role of two, and when they have a phone in their hand and they're being fed other people's opinions and thoughts and comparisons, right, it's just like you want more than anything to know for them to know how you think, what you believe, that's what matters. And so, and I feel the same way you do. I, you know, I grew up in the South, very much kids should be seen and not heard, and they should look a certain way. So looks were very important, but thoughts and voice and feelings were not and so it took me a long time to open my mouth and to actually say how I was feeling. And, you know, get really comfortable with that. So for me with my kids, I'm always, what are you feeling? Talk to me. Let's have an you know, I want them to feel safe with their emotions. So bravo to you. I. Because what you're doing is really fucking hard, and you should have muscles like the Hulk because of what you've had to carry and how hard you've had to build. But I what, I hope our internet connection stays strong, because I really want to talk about your approach, because you talk about the baby steps, and you alluded to this in the beginning of just like you had that acute period, you had to be really patient with yourself and the grace, but talk about those baby steps, and like how you really approach your healing, and like how you're kind of approaching every day, you know. And like that guidance Absolutely.

Alexandra Wyman  35:36  
And again, thank you. They're very complimentary. So thank you still learning how to accept those too.

Unknown Speaker  35:42  
Good job. Good job. Yeah,

Alexandra Wyman  35:46  
it. I feel like life in in a way, is baby steps, like you just, I think being able to your point. There's so much information out there about how you're supposed to do things I don't even like the supposed tos, because it can be inundated, just like any anything. If you're trying to buy a house, if you're having a baby, if you're trying to buy a car, you can find information that will tell like, spin you in every direction possible, and you land still without having an opinion or a way to do anything. And grief is the same way. So get over, you know, pick yourself up by your boots jobs. Get over it to like, Oh no, you can't move anything or go through anything, because then you're throwing away your person. Like, there's just so much info. And I really think, though, with any sort of loss, one of a really great book that I listened to is called the grieving body. Nope, the grieving brain. She came out with a grieving body, but the grieving brain anyway. But one of the things that comes up, and this is where I think the baby steps helps so so much, is because when we have a loss, and the loss doesn't have to be a death, it can be a change in it can be moving. It can be a change in a job, a career, a relationship ending. You can have grief and all of that, your brain, though, is so used to whatever routines and habits you have around that thing that you've lost, that it takes a while for it to catch up. And in my opinion, there's so much that your brain and your body has to do to heal that if you try and go too fast, you will be kind of put on your ass, like the universe will tell you to slow down. You will have things come up and also like it takes a little bit to understand or even start to rebuild, or to say I can do this, or what do I want to do? I know for me, I didn't even have the mental capacity to do much throughout the day for the first couple months. So my capacity ended at 1pm usually by one. I was like, What is this? You know, and I just couldn't do much. When I finally we had to let we lived with family for a little bit. So I knew if we could stay in our house, and when we moved back in our house, I was like, I don't know how to do our day. So I just started working on bedtime. That was the one, one scheduled thing and routine that I could do. And I just started with, like, okay, bath. And then I was like, okay, we can add Story Time to bath. Okay, we can add cuddles to Story Time to bath. And that is how I kind of just took it one step at a time and again. It's, I don't know why we have to do this to ourselves, but we do. But I gave myself permission to just if there was a day where I could handle his bath, then I just did that, and that was okay. And then slowly, I mean, for months, I couldn't have an alarm in the morning. I was like, No, this isn't happening. And then eventually I was able to work, you know, and just do small little chunks to kind of get myself back into some sort of semblance of a life and a routine.

Scottie Durrett  38:44  
I appreciate that you even are talking about the small steps with the joyful things, the Cuddles, the snuggles, the bedtime, right? Because so much we're always talking about change. It's about pain, you know, the holding the planks, the breaking a habit, the drinking the water, right? It's all about, how can I make myself stronger, thinner, you know, more successful. And you're just talking about living, loving, you know, and even that can feel, even those, those actions, can feel so hard and so heavy, and that's okay. I think that's what's so beautiful for us, to really trust our body. And this is what I love about you and me. We really are that beautiful intersection of science and spirituality, and I think people don't really understand how powerful that intersection is. You. You are obsessed with neuroscience. I love it. And then we're also very woo, woo and spiritual, because we understand that they are working together, right? Our brain will tell us this is how life should look. This is what we should be doing. You know, your ego has so much to say, and then your body and your heart and your soul are like, Hi. Yes, we know you have this plan. And I think when you can really get those voices. The communicating together, right? That's alignment for me, right? Alignment. It's like, okay, I hear you, I understand. But trusting, there's that trust word again, right? Like trusting your body, trusting your heart, trusting your soul, trusting you know your you know your brain, and just trying to see how they can all work together in baby steps, but it's the shoulds are the shoulds are heavy, and the supposed tos, and this is how life was supposed to look, and this is what I was supposed to be doing. You were supposed to be married. You were supposed to be together with Sean forever, and in a way, you always will be with Sean, right? Like he's going to be a soul mate, in a way, but it's the shoulds can feel so heavy. So I really appreciate you even talking about taking the small steps on the joy, on the on the love, right, and giving yourself

Alexandra Wyman  40:50  
that, yeah. And to your point, it is, it is the living because there's so much, like I said, I had several people who are like, You are a shell of a person, and I couldn't even eat for like, the first two weeks. I was like, I don't, what is this thing? And so, yeah, you do, like, it starts with that of just being able to be like, What can I do just to survive so that my body stays alive right now? And it becomes, like, kind of, you know, at least for me, I can't say for everybody, but it was for me, like, what? What's the minimum that I can do right now, until my brain can get out of the shock, until I can actually start to face everything? And it is hard. It is really hard. But I think also, like, being able to zoom out is so beneficial. And it took me a long time to be able to zoom out, because for the longest time, I was like, Why would this happen to me and like, what did I do to deserve this and all of that? It's very common to have those kinds of thoughts. And in the end, it was like nothing like this is this is kind of life, like no one comes out of life unscathed, like life does not discriminate, like we all have experiences that we go through. And it just depends, in my opinion, on, like, What lessons do you have? Are you here to learn? And how are those gonna come about? I have had moments where I'm like, Could we have learned these lessons? Maybe, like, differently, like, you know, did it have to happen this way? I don't know, but, you know, at least I'm like, okay, I can zoom out enough to be like, Oh, I see how I have, like, changed and become more aligned with who I was created to be.

Scottie Durrett  42:30  
Now with that knowledge, and now you're paying it forward. You're sharing talk about your book, and, you know, choosing to write it and then talk about your podcast. So everybody knows how to find your support. I want to share it all because it's beautiful.

Alexandra Wyman  42:44  
Well, I love this. Thank you so much I did. I wrote a book called The Suicide Club, what to do when someone you love chooses death. It's not just for anyone who's had a loss by suicide. There are some really good nuggets in there for anybody who's just dealing with loss and trying to figure out how to weed through that. And really, that process came. I was, I was gifted some great books after Sean died, and I was like, where's my handbook? Like, as you talked about, there's no blueprint, no blueprint. I was like, where's the handbook that says, like, this is how you get through the stuff that life hands you. So I just felt inspired is I learned my own lessons, or was able to navigate through it that I wanted to share that with others. So if, for me, it was, it was like, if I can just, like, take a half a percent off of the the grief that you're doing through writing this, then maybe that will be helpful. And then also, I do have a podcast called forward to joy. And really that's just the goal, is to have tips and tricks for individuals who are going through grief, but also to highlight stories of other individuals, of what they've experienced and how they've overcome. And that's been huge for me. I think at first I was like, I don't know what I'm doing again, another, another moment of resistance where, like, No, I'm not doing this, and then the message came pretty clear. And I've actually really enjoyed being able to do that podcast.

Scottie Durrett  44:06  
It's really nice, because for me, without the words to put toward the emotions, right? It's hard, even as an adult, right? You're raising kids, you get so frustrated with them when they have that meltdown in the grocery store, and they're really doing it because they haven't felt that emotion before. They don't even know how to put the words to it. When you go through this kind of loss and you are feeling emotions you've never felt before, it's like you're a child again, right? You can't even put the words to it. You're having your own mini tantrum in the grocery store, and you just don't you feel out of your body. You don't really understand what's up, down, left or right. And so the fact that you've put this out there just to help somebody, just give them some words of comfort to help them know that there's somebody out there who's like, yes, somebody gets it. They are saying the things that I'm thinking but I didn't know how to say. And there's somebody out there who is going. Through this, it's so similar, and it's community support, feeling seen, feeling like we belong. That's all we want, right? That's all we truly, truly want. At the end of the day, we just want to feel like we belong and that we're a part of something, and that people understand us, and that we feel seen and heard and loved, right? So I just thank you for creating that for people, because it's really powerful and it's needed and it's really important. So I'm going to share, I'll drop all of this in the show the show notes, the so everybody can find you, and then where else can they find you if they want to connect with you and reach out to you?

Alexandra Wyman  45:35  
Yeah, so you can always email me at Alexandra. At forward to joy.com or I'm on Instagram also

Scottie Durrett  45:41  
at forward to join perfect. I'll put that all in there. Well, you're incredible. I really appreciate your time, and you're just your strength, you're super inspiring, and you're an amazing human being. So thank you so much. Oh well, thank

Unknown Speaker  45:57  
you so much for having me. This was a delight.

Scottie Durrett  46:01  
Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together, and if you have a second leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottyderette.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time mom Trust yourself, trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.