Breaking the Busy Cycle: A Mom's Guide (smr detox part 2)

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty Durrett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up, join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. Hey, my beautiful mama, welcome back to part two of the summer detox series, detoxing your central nervous system. I'm recording these episodes to help you let some shit go so that your nervous system can freaking heal. Why do we need our nervous system to heal? I went deep into that last week. I'll link that episode in the show notes, but here's the TLDR, your central nervous system is your power board. It's your main tower. It controls everything. If it's fried, your whole system is offline. It's just not firing all cylinders, and you can't function the way you want to function, the way you need to function. I know you're just like me. You're exceptionally driven, you have very high standards for yourself, your family, your life, and I want you to always be able to do everything you want to do, just like when you know when you're working out your muscles, if you're lifting weights, your muscles get damaged, but they also need time to rest to recover. That's actually part of the whole process, right? We work out, we lift heavy weights. Our muscles rip and get damaged. We then go eat a bunch of protein, take a bunch of naps, recover, take an Epsom salt bath. And what's happening? Our muscles are regenerating. They're coming back stronger. Your central nervous system also needs rest time to rebuild and come back stronger, and that's what we're doing here, because it feels good to feel good, and you deserve to feel good. All right, so let me ask you a couple questions. What happens when you get 15 free minutes with nothing to do? You might be giggling like Scotty, I don't ever get 15 minutes of free time with nothing to do, but let's just say that you did. What do you do when those 15 minutes happen? Do you grab your phone and scroll Instagram? First of all, no shame or judgment in momplex, just really wanting to shine some light on some things. Do you open up your laptop and refresh your inbox? Do you fold some laundry and just get through stuff, or do you start to feel itchy and anxious and low key panicked because you just don't feel comfortable being still if you're nodding or laughing nervously, this episode is for you, because today I really want to ask some uncomfortable questions of you that are really necessary, and they're going to be very, very helpful if you take the time to really active listen and ask yourself these questions, I want to find out, are you addicted to being busy? Because busy isn't just about our schedules. How busy we choose to be can also be a coping mechanism, and I think in today's culture and society, especially for moms, it can become a badge of honor. I think for a lot of us, it's what we use to prove like, I'm a good mom. I'm busy from sunrise to sunset. I'm more busy than you. I'm more tired than you. My kids are more busy than your kids. So we are obviously winning this whole mom thing. And a lot of us, I know this was me for a long time. If we're busy, then we don't really have to sit with our own thoughts and have to face what's happening on the inside. I talked about this in one of my very first episodes. I think it was episode three called badge of exhaustion. There's a general belief that the more tired, the more booked, the more overwhelmed, less self cared you are, then the better mom you must be crock of shit. I've been trying to break up with that belief in the motherhood realm ever since, and I had to battle this myself first. Right? The reason I could talk about the badge of exhaustion is because I was the poster child for it. I know what it feels like to be bone exhausted and have a lot of pride in that and to brag about it, maybe it was six summers ago. Now, our summer schedule looked more packed than most people's holiday schedule. We had camps, we had day trips, we had projects, we had worked at deadlines, we had social events. I thought I had literally nailed the perfect mix of structure in my house and also fun, but looking back on it, i There were days where I had my kids waking up at seven in the morning in the summertime just to get to their eight o'clock camp, like, What the fuck? Then one day, the schedule was blank. There was like a week where one kid's camp ended and the other one was home sick, and it just happened to be. That there was just nothing on the schedule, and we had just one week of not being jam packed, and I spiraled. I cleaned out the pantry, I reorganized my junk drawer. I lost it when my kids stuff was everywhere. I mean, like the shoes piled up by the front door, the cups in the bedrooms, the fingerprints on the walls, the dirt, the wet towels, everything my nervous system could not handle, things being out of place, snacks being eaten off schedule, or hearing mom for the 55th time. I love my kids, but I was fried and oh my gosh, I remember. I think I even got one of those spinny spice racks from Bed Bath and Beyond, and I alphabetized the spice rack. I mean, I don't even like cooking, but the truth was, I didn't know how to not be busy. My brain could not handle stillness, because I had merged and fused my identity with productivity. If I was productive, then I was worthy. If I was busy, then I was significant. And when the busyness stopped, so did my sense of purpose and worth. And that's when panic started to set in. That's when I got really anxious. So I'm sharing this because I want to know if you relate. I'd love to hear in, you know, some medium I'd love to hear in the show notes, like, what's resonating, what's coming up for you in this conversation? And so, you know, looking back that I didn't have that big aha in that moment, but that, looking back, I'm connecting the dots to a a pattern of behavior that I was living with. Now I'm so curious about it, like, Why was I doing that to myself? Why couldn't I just sit down and be why wasn't being me enough? And you know what I'm learning about is the idea of codependency. We always think about CO dependency showing up towards other people in relationships, but it can also show up in our habits, and one of the sneakiest, most praised, most toxic forms of CO dependency, is being addicted to busy and it really started, I think, in the 80s and 90s, during the Wall Street era, like people thought, like, the harder you work the American dream, if we're going to be successful, then we have to burn the midnight oil. We have to go, go, go, go, go, go, do, do, do, do, because if we don't, we're going to get left behind. We're not going to be that successful. It's the only way that I'm going to make the most of my life and be significant is if I am freaking busy all the time. But there's more to that, what's really going on. And I want to talk about these things, because they're not only fascinating, but it could be really helpful for you as you're building awareness around what busy means to you and what role it plays in your life. Because when we understand how we view things and how we view ourselves in our life, then we have a choice. Do I like how I'm showing up? Do I like the way that I feel, or do I want to use this new information that I have to help me make some adjustments, so that I feel better, so that I have more self protection, right? So what's really going on? One dopamine addiction. Every time you check a box, your brain gets a dopamine hit. Every time someone comments on how busy you are, it feels good. One. It's external praise. It fuels us temporarily to keep going. There's purpose in it. It's a currency. It's a form of payment. And so you start chasing that high. So the more busy you are, the more you check off, the more dopamine hits you get. The next thing is identity fusion. I believe our society, we've been conditioned to believe that our worth is based on our productivity, especially as moms, right? The more you get done in a day, you are a multitasking superhero. And other moms look up to that other moms admire, that we start to become idolized. We start to be that mom like, oh my gosh, I could never do what she's doing. You know, the House would fall apart without you, the school would fall apart without you. This business was would fall apart without you. There's that significance, there's that purpose, there's that dopamine addiction, right? The third thing is, it's a it's a great tool for avoidance. When we sit still, stuff can bubble up to the surface our own thoughts, our own feelings, resentment, sad, sadness, burnout, fear, indigestion, hunger, being busy lets us avoid all of that, lets us outrun all of that, lets us not have to sit with our feelings. And the fourth thing is nervous system, addiction and overload. When you're constantly doing you're constantly running a low grade stress, which puts so much pressure on your nervous system. And you get stuck in the sympathetic you get stuck in a sympathetic dominance like you are. Your normal becomes fight or flight, and your body never gets to downshift into rest, into healing, into. Digestion.

Scottie Durrett  10:06  
Get this, your body doesn't know the difference. Your central nervous system doesn't know the difference between running all errands all day, trying to get everything done, and then also running from a tiger, just like my central nervous system doesn't know the difference between running from a tiger and watching my kid at bat at the plate, all our body knows is that we're under stress and to stay alert and to be pumping cortisol out through all out our system so that we can basically save ourselves and fight to the death, right? So it pumps a ton of stress hormones and says all these red alert messages all day and to survive, then your body redirects energy away from things that it wouldn't need in a fight like healing, digestion, emotional regulation and problem solving, right? As a busy mom, we can believe that we're just being efficient, and our nervous system is on high alert, but that's really living in chronic stress. And it builds up. It gets stored. It becomes physical and emotional, weight gain, high blood pressure, inflammation, frustration, anger, burnout and same you know, the way you can kind of look at it, the way we feed ourselves, right? It's like protein. Sure, it's great. It's important. We need it. We need fight or flight. We need protein. But there is a limit, and you can have too much when you eat too much protein, your body then stores the excess as fat, and then you're stuck with chicken breast, getting you fat, which is, I'm gonna get a lot of shit for that statement. But there's always a balance, right? It's always, you know, stress is good when it's meant to be on and to do its job. It's not meant to be on all the time. Too much of it, too much of anything.

Scottie Durrett  11:57  
Your body can't process it, so it stores it, and that's what's happening with all this extra hormone and cortisol, right? So one thing that has been really eye opening for me, that I don't believe a lot of moms realize, is that our own subconscious mind, the part that's running 95% of the show, equates busy with being safe, right? Because that's what we told it, our subconscious does not work on logic. It's working on what we repeatedly tell it. So if our belief is that I'm only significant, if I'm busy, then your subconscious is going to make sure that you always believe that's true, so that you create that life. Because if you believe that in order to be significant, you have to be busy, and you tell yourself this, your subconscious is going to say, great. This is when she feels safe. So I'm going to make sure she stays busy. Because somewhere along the way, we all learned that being productive, helpful, needed constantly in motion, equals being valuable, lovable and in control. So the moment you stop being busy, the wiring, your subconscious screams danger. We're doing nothing. We're useless. Sound the alarms. This isn't good. This is not you. And so there's an autopilot program, and your subconscious is still running it. The good news is you can rewire it, and that's what's so important about these episodes. It's always you always have a choice. I just want to provide you with new insights, things that I've learned, stuff that's really making an impact on me, so that you have information available to you, and then you could decide how it makes sense for you. But the good news is you can always rewire your brain, and you can always make changes. And it starts with super simple things you can do to your nervous system on the daily I mean, it's as simple as saying I am safe when I rest. I am worthy, even when I'm still doing less does not make me less. When you say things like that out loud, your subconscious is listening and it starts to believe you, and that's slowly rewiring. This is why affirmations are so powerful. When we repeat affirmations, even if we don't believe it, our subconscious is storing it. It's it's starting to form those new beliefs. This is how we teach our body and our brain that safety. You can be safe when you're still so how do we break up with busy especially as a busy mom, right, who is trying to get everything done for yourself and for your kids, and I know you don't want anything to fall through the cracks, right? And it's your habit. I say this, I feel like in every single episode, but number one, we've got to name it, to tame it. We have to be aware of how we are moving through our day. If we are always on autopilot, we're not really running the show. And so I want you to just start noticing when you're about to do something just to do it, pause and ask yourself, Do I really need to do this? Or do I just need. Know how to be still. It's a beautiful question to ask yourself. There's no judgment in that. It's Curiosity number two, pause before you start filling the empty space. If you have 10 minutes free, don't just fill them. Stare out the window. Notice what comes up. Maybe you feel so uncomfortable. That's really helpful information for you to know that sitting still makes you uncomfortable. Why number three start to try and build little micro moments of stillness throughout your day. You don't need to go silent, you don't need to go out of town, you don't need to give up being a mom or give up your job. You just need a couple of moments throughout your day where you can just turn off fight or flight, get out of the fast lane and just go to a rest stop for a couple minutes, sit in your office chair, push yourself away from your laptop, close your eyes, feel your feet on the ground, feel your butt in that chair, and just tell your body we're safe. We can rest right now and take a couple deep breaths when you get comfortable doing that and you want to go a little bit deeper. This is that was kindergarten. Now I'm going into first grade. We want to start working on redefining what the word enough means to you. Are you enough even when you're doing nothing? You know, it's like we have to really redefine what valuable means, because if you believe that you're only valuable and significant, if your calendar is full, then that's you're never going to be able to create change in your life. We've got to go back and uncover those beliefs around what is enough. And number five, when we model healing and noticing how we're showing up and making adjustments and changes. We get to show our kids that that's possible, and then we can tell our kids like I'm resting because that's how I take care of myself. Let them see you practicing rest, not as a reward, but just because it's as necessary as brushing your teeth. And let them see you do nothing and witness that. Witness your energy shifting. Witness your peace. Witness your shoulders drop. Witness how you can put your feet up without shame or apology or explaining for 30 minutes why you were putting your feet up. That's something I noticed, too. With a lot of moms, they'll say things. I even saw this on social media a couple weeks ago. This incredible mom came on, and she's like, Y'all, I took a nap today. It felt great, but let me tell you why I took a nap. I took a nap because so and so didn't sleep through the night. And this happened and this happened, and this happened and this happened. It still had to be earned. It still had to be justified. You being alive justifies you giving yourself whatever your heart's desire and whatever your body needs. If your body needs some rest, you don't have to earn that. That's your body telling you. This is what I need right now. And nothing is more important than what your body is telling you it needs. When we learn how to break this addiction to being busy, we then create space in our day to connect with our own inner voice again, right? And if you're feeling disconnected in your role as a mom, or you feel like you're meant for more. I would say start here. Can you sit with yourself for 10 minutes and sit with your own thoughts? Can you connect to yourself also your fi your nervous system finally gets a chance to regulate and heal. It is really healthy from a physiological standpoint, for us to turn off the cortisol and for us to get out of that sympathetic nervous state into the parasympathetic nervous state, long term health benefits. There it's also we are the model for our kids. If we show them that peace isn't earned, it's practiced, then they will follow suit, and then you get to reclaim parts of yourself that existed before this to do list, before this errand, before this child, before this role, this stage of life, and you wake up feeling better. Your body will thank you. Your energy will thank you. Your family will thank you. You will. Your energy will return. I mean, I'm just telling you, you will get so much ROI on this I have been holding on to these last 10 pounds forever, and I could not figure out what in the world was happening until my coach said, your body does not feel safe right now. You're under feeding it, you're over pushing it, and it's living in survival mode. It's living in fight or flight once, she said, once you learn how to get yourself out of fight or flight, and you start building in rest without guilt, your body will feel safe and it will stop holding onto this weight. So that's what I've been practicing for the last several months. I'm slowing down. I'm creating safety, and I'm telling my body constantly, you are safe, you are amazing. And there's no pad, magic pill happening here, no crazy workout, but my body is starting to let it go. It's just nervous system safety. Remember, like we're not machines, you're not a checklist, you're a whole ass soul in a human body. And she doesn't need to always be doing, doing, doing in order for her to fulfill her mission and purpose in this world, she needs space. So do. Your kids, so do your kids. So this is my challenge for you. This summer, I want you to break up with being busy, even if it's for just five minutes, sit be still. Notice what happens. Notice how you feel. And if this episode has if you are still listening to the end of this episode, then that means something has connected to it, please save it and share it with a mama. You think could benefit from these tips. If you are craving more support in creating your own inner Zen, working on your mindset, working on your subconscious, really connecting to your soul, then check out all the links in the show notes. I offer clarity readings. I offer EFT sessions. I offer one on one coaching, and I have a whole library of meditations and other helpful podcast episodes, all for you until next time. Mama, rest, breathe, reclaim your soul. You've got this Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together, and if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottydirt.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time, mom, Trust yourself, trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.