Choose You: Why Self-Trust Is the New Self-Improvement

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty durett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows

Scottie Durrett  0:34  
that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex.

Scottie Durrett  0:42  
You Okay, welcome back. You another glorious year of us together on this podcast and our mantra, well, first of all, happy New Year. Happy freaking New Year. It is 2026 congrats. We made it through 2025 I don't know about you, but I'm ready to ring in 2026 my mantra for this year, it's simple. 2026 I choose me, and when I say that, I don't mean that I want to ignore everybody else or that I'm gonna get in the car and drive away and, you know, skirt my responsibilities or forget about my kids, or do anything like that. I'm not burning bridges or becoming selfish. I mean more that I want to stay true to myself, that I want to listen to my gut before I let ego and conditioning and other people's voices start to elbow me out the way, because most of us don't leave other people. We end up leaving ourselves, and that's what I really want us to focus on in the new year, because I think we are so much more wise than we give ourselves credit for. So happy freaking New Year, you gorgeous, badass. If you've been around here for a while, you know that I detest New Year's resolutions. I'm not here for them. I'm not a fan, and I'm not going to do a podcast to help you set them. In my experience, personally and professionally, resolutions often shame the shit out of us, and they make us feel bad about ourselves, and they set us up for failure. One I don't know why. You know when I'm recording this, it's Thursday, January 1. Why is today? Why am I a different person today than I was on Wednesday, December 31 so why is it all of a sudden that I could wake up today and start, you know, training to run a marathon versus yesterday, but New Year's resolutions? There's this interesting energy behind them. They quietly, secretly tell our brain and our heart that we're not good enough yet. And so we roll in and we ride this momentum for a few weeks that okay, I'm going to do it, I'm going to run the marathon, I'm going to go without sugar, I'm going to do the pull ups, I'm going to, yes, I'm going to become this new person this year. And it feels freaking exciting. We love the hope and the possibility, and it's really attractive. And everybody else is doing it, you know, you turn on the TV, and everybody's joining new gym memberships, and it's so exciting, but what happens is it crashes most resolutions don't fail because we're lazy. They fail because they're rooted in ego and fear and shame and shooting the shit out of ourselves, versus it being a soul goal, versus it being like a truth coming from our gut, and that they're coming from the conscious mind, from the ego, not the body. So they're coming from fear, not our heart. So what if 2026, isn't about the year that you fix yourself because you're not broken, but it's the year that we stop abandoning ourselves. What if you didn't become someone new or someone different, because honestly, you're already pretty freaking awesome. But what if this is the year you let yourself be who you already are, like you really let your freak flag fly, right? Like, I've always thought that each of us has our own flag, like I want us to just stake that in the ground and let it fly, because we are each unique individuals. Let's unleash that and share that with each other, like no more filtering, no more contorting, so that people like us no more holding back and, you know, second guessing ourselves. Because truth is, we don't need another habit, another To Do List, another plan, another version of ourselves that performs better for the world you need you, the real one, the honest one. I mean more now more than ever with all the AI that's going around like we're literally going to be living with cyborgs and robots before we know it. So let's get some real ass humanity going on in here. Yeah, and I want the real you, you know, the one who's done shrinking so everyone else stays comfortable, right? It's not about us becoming more. It's about us choosing ourselves. Or we're about to be flooded, right? This year begins. We're flooded with the same questions like, okay, what are your goals for this year? What are your resolutions? What are you going to accomplish? Who are you going to become this year? You know, what goals are you setting? What race are you going to run? How much weight are you going to lose, how much money are you going to make? You know, whose system are you going to buy to make yourself better and listen, I love growth. I love ambitions. I love that spark in each of us that says, like, Yes, I can climb that freaking mountain. And I think getting really specific on like, you want to make more money, get really specific. We talked about this before. Our subconscious mind loves specificity. The more specific, the better. I'll give you an example. If you wake up and say, I want to make more money in 2026 and then you walk outside today and you find a penny, your subconscious mind is gonna be like, Oh, we did it. That's more money than we had yesterday. So if one of your goals and dreams from your heart is to make more money, then you wanna get specific, like, Oh, I wanna make a gazillion dollars. I wanna make this much money, and I'm gonna do it by this and this and this get specific. I love freaking specific goals that come from a place of excitement, not shame. I love turning the page on a new year. It's like that fresh notebook I'm I'm a Libra. It's very Libra to have like a clean slate, like crack open that fresh notebook with pieces of paper, and you just get to write, oh, it's like your ballpoint pen. It's so exciting. But I'm trying to break this down a little bit differently. I want us to look at all of this from a fresh like lens. It's like, I want us, okay, yes, we're rolling into 2026 it's all about opportunity, possibility, hope, stretching ourselves, stepping outside the comfort zone, you know, embarking on our journeys, helping us expand into the humans and the highest potential self that we can all possibly be absolutely but I want us to take off the current lens that we've been looking at from this point on, and put on a New Lens. I want to look at it a little bit differently. You can achieve anything. You can climb any mountain, your mountain, but you're going to be able to do it more easily when you're doing it your way, when you're more yourself, when you are following your rules, not somebody else's rules, when you let go of the politeness when you let go of the Hey quote. Let me check on this first, when you let go of the performing, when you put the phone down, when you roll up your sleeves and you ask yourself if there was no one watching, if there was no rule book, no social media, no one to compare myself to, no parent, no mother in law, no best friend, no Oprah or Mel Robbins or anybody that I compare myself and stretch to. How would I want to approach this? How would I want to go after this, if it was just me, myself and I because I bet, deep down, you already have everything you need, and when you listen to what feels right to you, what lights you up, things are going to take less energy, not more, and you will likely be able to stick to it because you're doing it in a way that feels good to you, so that your truth becomes the way

Scottie Durrett  8:38  
you know yourself better than everybody. You know what you like, you know what you don't like. You know your hell yeses, you know your hell no's, there's, that's your blueprint. Those are there to guide you. And what we want to do is to take those and actually say, oh my gosh, I don't need to shrink my yeses and no's and try and change those and adjust those. Those are my lighthouse. Those are going to help me get to where I want to go this year, that much easier, that much faster. So you, being you becomes the way. So what does this actually look like? What is actually choosing yourself look like in 2026 not in theory, but in real life? I'll give you an example this. If you can see me online, I'm wearing this, like, super duper bright pink knitted sweater from Mr. Mittens. I love Mr. Mittens. It is so bright. And I had somebody come help me do my closet, to help me find the clothes that were the right fit for me, the right fit for my body, the right esthetic. And when she saw this sweater, she was like, Girl, what were you thinking? And I was like, Oh, I don't I don't know. I I was just emotionally pulled when I saw this sweater. I just really wanted it. She was like, Yeah, you look like a popsicle. You can't wear this sweater. And I thought, oh my gosh, I'm so glad someone told me I can't wear this sweater. I must look ridiculous. She. You wanted me to get rid of it, but I didn't get rid of it for a couple of reasons. One, Mr. Mittens freaking overpriced, and I knew how much I spent on the sweater, but there was a little voice inside of me that said, Wait, we waited to afford Mr. Mittens. This was such a big deal, and we've always kind of liked bubblegum pink, and just don't throw it away. Just there was this little voice that said, like, don't throw it away. So today, when I woke up, I was like, oh, I need, I want to record my podcast for her. I'm excited. I want to record the podcast. The first thing that flashed in my my eye, my mind's eye, was this pink sweater. And I was like, Oh my gosh, that's that's my soul talking to me, that's my heart talking to me, that's my inner child talking to me. That's my true self talking to me. I said, I'm wearing the fucking sweater. Now, right after that, there was this little voice that said, Wait, you haven't showered. You don't have enough makeup on. Your hair is dirty, it's not highlighted. You probably shouldn't wear the sweater. That's my ego, that's the conditioning, that's the voice that's coming in that saying, Wait, the things you like, the things you don't like, I'm not sure that those are the right things, but that's where we stumble and fall. That's where we end up wasting our time and our energy, truthfully, the things that we like and don't like, that actually helps us crack open our true self, that helps us remove the filters, that helps us stop hiding, that helps us choose ourselves. So actually, the idea that I went and picked up this sweater, put this sweater on for this podcast, first of all, it is so cozy, and I love the way that it feels. But there's a little girl inside of me that was like, hell yeah. She chose me. She doesn't care what all those people out there are thinking. She doesn't care what that's what that stylist is thinking or what anybody on YouTube is thinking. She listened to my heart and she chose me. So guess what? My energy is high. My confidence is high. My zest for being here is high. I'm like my own teammate. I got my own back that's choosing ourself, and I listened to my heart and my gut and my soul and my first feeling, and I didn't let my ego talk me out of it. So I'm wearing the fucking sweater that's an example of choosing ourselves. But I'm going to get you. I'm going to go over a couple of ways. Way number one, trust your gut, and this feeds right into this we want to drop out of our head more and more and more and into our body. I love Descartes, very, very wise person, but he kind of set us on this one dimensional path when he said, I think, therefore I am. And he made us believe that we were separate minded body. The truth is, we are not. We are much more a feeling being than we are a thinking being. In fact, our gut and our body speaks before our mind. We feel things before we know things. And a lot of times it speaks really quietly, very calmly, very lovingly, and then the ego barges in. It's really frantic, it's really loud, it's really panicked. It'll say things like, Oh, you better not say that, ooh, you should re email them and apologize for the text you sent. Oh, my gosh, they're gonna be so mad if you say no, they're not gonna invite you again. If you don't, you know, perform a certain way, that's gonna be really awkward. Just suck it up. Don't say how you really feel, because they might not like it. That's your ego. Another example I'll give you over the holiday, I went to a holiday tea, beautiful. It was one of my favorite people that grouped brought all these beautiful women together. We sat around this gorgeous place. It's called baloney gardens in my neighborhood, us just it was like magical. I felt like I'd been transported to Britain. It had assigned seating, and I sat down and I saw my name card, and it said gluten free next to my name. I'm not gluten free. I was a little confused, and my gut immediately said, say something. You're not gluten free. But my ego came in and screamed, do not say anything that's going to embarrass the hostess. Just eat the cookies that are gluten free and Don't make it weird. Don't make anybody else feel weird? So I stayed quiet. 10 minutes later, the hostess came over and said, Wait, you're not gluten free. Are you? I was like, No, turns out the woman down the table actually was. She had celiac, and she needed to make sure that she was not eating gluten, and so by staying quiet, I didn't help anybody, not the host, not the weight stab, not the guest, not myself. And that moment reminded me of something really important. When we don't tell the truth, it doesn't protect anybody, but when we choose ourselves and trust our gut, and literally, just like immediately know that we know what's best, it often helps everybody. We are inherently really good people. Our hearts are not the problem. I'd learned early that being ourselves could upset other people, and so that felt really unsafe for our nervous system. That's not your fault, and it doesn't have to stay that way. When something feels off, say something when something is true. True, let it be known. And each time you do that and you see that telling the truth is actually going to create safety and love, your nervous system learns from you that it's safe to trust myself, you will then rewrite the belief from it. When I am myself, people get upset to when I am myself, the world is a safe and loving place. Way number two, stop explaining ourselves in 2026 in 2026 choosing yourself means you stop over explaining. You don't need a PowerPoint for your when you say the word no, you don't need a three paragraph justification. You don't need to share your entire schedule to make your boundary valid over explaining. It's fear, it's fear and shame and worry, and it's dressed up as politeness. It's dressed up as justification, right? It's us trying to manage other people's reactions so that we feel safe when we say, No, we're worried somebody's gonna get mad at us. They're gonna come at us and say, Wait, why can't you come to this party? Or they're gonna talk about as bad behind our back. First of all, if somebody questions you or talks shit about you behind their back, this is the year of 2026, you say you're not my people. Because when something is true, it doesn't require you to defend yourself a simple this doesn't work for me. I'm not available. I'm choosing something different. That's enough. No saying the word no is enough. That panic you feel after saying the word no,

Scottie Durrett  16:34  
that's not your gut, that's not intuition, that's your inner child worrying that she's going to get in trouble. That's your nervous system, based on past evidence that when you say no, you're not safe in 2026 let's teach our nervous system and our inner child that it's safe for us to tell the truth and to set boundaries, because we don't need justification. What she needs is you saying to your inner child, who's always with you. By the way, I've got you. I'm the adult now, and you're safe when you stop explaining, you learn who your people are. You learn the ones that can handle your nose, who can hold space for your emotions, the ones who trust your Word will stay with you, the ones who don't they weren't your people anyway. It's like clean the freaking palette. Way number three, let yourself want what you freaking want. This one is big, just like I wanted to wear the pink sweater. Being yourself means you stop editing, you stop filtering, you stop squashing your desires so they sound reasonable to other people, or they sound acceptable and appropriate. You know, I told my dad I was a life coach, and he was like, what is that? Is that even a real career? He didn't believe it. He needed to see my certification in order to believe that it was a real business. And I was like, Why do I have to justify this so that you think my what I want, is acceptable? But I grew up in the South, you know, I was programmed for a kid that you are seen, especially a girl, you're seen and not heard, and you better look the part. You better fit in. I remember coming home from college, I had piercings all up and down my ears. I think I had like, four on one ear, and they pierced up in the cartilage, and three on the other ear. I have those, actually, again. And my mom, we were heading to the country club, and so she told me she's like, take them out, because I don't want people to see them or think badly of us. And so I did, because I was a 19 year old, I didn't know how to talk back to people. I didn't know how to set that boundary. I didn't know how to speak up for myself. And my nervous system thought, oh my gosh, if people think badly of me, I won't be accepted, I won't belong, I won't be safe. So I was receiving this message, if I am myself and if I do the things I want to do, I won't be loved, I won't be accepted, I won't be approved of. So the message landed what you like isn't approved. Being you isn't safe. That kind of conditioning teaches us to gaslight ourselves for and Burr and it happens in our fashion. It happens in our relationships and who we choose to love. It happens in our music. It happens in our food. It happens in the way we move our bodies. It happens in the way we love our bodies, and like if we punish our bodies, if we you know, it just happens. It trickles into everything, and then it'll trickle into how we raise our kids, and we get into the habit of minimizing ourselves in order to feel like we are justified and belonged in love, and so we end up hiding. But wanting more doesn't make you ungrateful, wanting different things and wanting what you truly want doesn't make you disloyal, and you feeling good and having happiness and finding your style that doesn't make you unlovable, and it doesn't make you. Selfish, and it doesn't make us a bad girl, right? Our desires, the things we like, the things we don't like, our hell yeses and our hell no's, that's information. It tells us who we are. And in a world full of freaking AI and automation, I picked up Instagram the other day, and I was looking at this precious golden retriever. My kids were like, Mom, that's AI. I mean, the dogs aren't even real all the time. We need real human freaking examples. Now our kids need that more than ever. They need to see what it looks like to live with heart and truth, and what it looks like to freaking heal your inner child, what it looks like to feel your freaking gorgeous human feelings. We need to show our kids what it looks like to have a real human experience, which means it's a roller coaster, like they're going to be good days and less good days. We're going to have hard moments, and we need to show them what that all feels like, and that living our life sometimes means that we're going to make other people uncomfortable. We need to tell our kids that that's okay. We're not here to quiet ourselves and to make ourselves shrink so that everybody else feels better. We're not here to please everybody else. We're here to live our life, and when we live our true life, then the people that are meant for us can find us. That's what we want to show them. I get really fired up about this. And you know, 2026 everybody's talking about manifesting the life of your dreams. You know, you manifest not from your conscious mind. You manifest from your subconscious mind, from your heart, from your uniqueness. And there's healing that has to come from that when you listen to your true self, life gets lighter, brighter, more honest, and then it's easier to manifest. And you stop feeling like a cog in this wheel. You stop feeling like you're waiting to feel better. You stop feeling like I can't wait till this season is over so I can finally do the thing that I want to do. That stops. And you start that that ends. You just start feeling like you're running the show no matter what's going on, because we all know, once the season's over, there's another season. Once we get to that thing we're chasing, the next thing comes, right? And I think about this a lot as a mom, like, I want my kids to go out and trust themselves, like I know that the world's only going to get busier and hustler and more complicated and more AI filled, like I want them to be able to trust their core selves and to be able to quiet all that noise out there and to hear their own inner voice. Well, I have to show them how to do that. So I have to learn how to do that. I have to go first, and I know what happens when people don't live true to themselves. It doesn't get better with time you don't heal and then go live your dream life. You heal by living your true life. So 2026 it's not about you fixing yourself. It's about you embodying yourself. You don't need permission from anybody to do that, not your mom, not your spouse, not your boss, not me, or anybody on Instagram or Tiktok or anything, not anyone living rent free in that head of yours. I love Seneca, and he says that we suffer more in imagination than in reality. I mean, how true is that? Right? Sometimes our own thoughts can be our biggest block, right? And I, you know, it's there's no blame on us. I mean, it's like age zero to seven is when we were programmed. So many of our core beliefs were formed during that time. And it's really a beautiful time for you to get clear on what are those core beliefs, and are they going to help you achieve and manifest everything that you want? It's great now is good a time of any dig into that, right? So let's get out of our heads and into our hearts. Because honestly, when did other people's feelings become more important than our own? And choosing yourself doesn't not hurt others. It doesn't make you bad, it doesn't make you selfish, it makes you really honest. And I think that is something that is so powerful, so bold and so beautiful. So here's the question I want you to carry with you into 2026 Is this me, or is this who I learned to be? And when you notice yourself shrinking or silencing yourself, I want you to just take a deep breath. You can breathe in through your nose for a count of four and breathe out for a count of six. I just want you to hit the pause button, and I want you to try and just sink into your body and choose yourself in that moment. That's the work, that's the healing, that's the embodiment, that's the becoming. And if you're listening and thinking, I know what's true for me, my body just hasn't settled into it yet. That's also the work I'm doing this year, too. So I'm right there with you. Deep breathing is really, really helpful for settling into your body. I love breathing in your nose for a count of four, exhaling for a count of six. Also, nature walk. Looks very, very cathartic, very, very healing. Those are beautiful. It's about finding things in your life that were almost like inner child rituals. You know, if it's like snuggling on your bed, swaddled, watching your favorite movie, if it's going for a nature walk, if it's taking a bubble bath, it's like, where can you snuggle and love yourself, and then quiet the noise so that you can hear your true self. You can hear that inner voice, and then you know you're listening, and you're thinking, that's when you can tell the difference between the ego voice and the gut, the intuition. It's not fixing, it's not convincing. It's just helping your nervous system settle so that the truth that gut truth can land you're awesome. I'm always here for you, and I'm always available. I'm offering calibration sessions this year. It's one session. It's one question. I'll throw some details in the show notes, because the world doesn't need a better version of you, it needs the real one, so you've got this Happy New Year.

Scottie Durrett  26:09  
Hey Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life. Please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together. And if you have a second leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottyderette.com to learn more, get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time. Mom, Trust yourself, trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.