How to Offer Comfort to Those Who Are Hurting (Without Making It About Us)

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty Durrett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. Hey, my beautiful mama, welcome back to the podcast, and I'm so thankful that you are here with me today. I just want to take a moment to really say first of all, thank you for pressing play, not only because I love being with you and I love supporting you, but this when you know when we our environment matters so much. And when we are choosing to listen to surround ourselves with envelop ourselves with things that help us grow into the person that we truly want to be, it's incredible self care. And so I just want to take a moment to really recognize you choosing to be here with me today, because it says so much about how you want to feel, where you want to go, and the kind of human that you want to show up in your life, for yourself and for your kids, and that is nothing for us to ignore. I know, as a busy mom, we focus on so many pieces, moving pieces throughout the day, and a lot of times at the end of the day, we only notice the things that maybe we didn't get done, or the things that didn't go the way we thought they should. So I just want to take a moment to really recognize you showing up here, because this is an amazing gesture that you are showing yourself, and it is massively significant. So I'm so happy you're here. Today's episode is actually a supporting a sister episode to last week's episode talking about grief. You know, I feel like this summer alone, there has just been a lot of grief, a lot of loss that my small world has been experiencing, and also the greater world, you know, I think there's a lot of people who are feeling the heaviness of all the wars going on and the things we're seeing on the news, and then there have been some friends who've lost loved ones that are close to me, and also just the tragedy that's going on in Texas, and just so many more things. It just feels like one of those seasons where there's been a lot of loss and a lot of reasons for us to grieve, in addition to summer itself, even though it's a beautiful time for us to, you know, say goodbye to spring and move into fall. There's a lot of families right now who are dealing with their kid getting ready to go off to college, or maybe their kid is graduating from college, or relationships have ended, or life seasons have ended. So there's always grief and a sense of loss that's going on in our life, and I want to talk about that because grief is something that we're not really educated on. I don't feel like we're actually ever learning how to manage grief. Talk about grief, support people through grief, until we've gone through it, and it makes sense. We're human beings. If we sat around and focused on grief and loss all the time, it would be really hard for us to actually get anything done, because it's very overwhelming. But when we are flooded with grief, it can feel so overwhelming because we have very little practice at it, our nervous system will do anything it can to make that pain go away. And often we'll go into, you know, defense, ignoring it, pushing it down. And while it might feel easier on our brain in the moment not to think about it, it is getting stored in our bodies. So I am addressing grief so that we feel like we have slightly more tools to help ourselves our kids and our loved ones through it. And you know, honestly, I've been sitting with something I saw on Instagram last week. When we were talking, everybody was focused on the, you know, the devastating loss of life in Texas, and just the tragic set of circumstances that took place there. It's like gutting my heart. I mean, my heart is aching every day for those families. But there was somebody who posted a gentle reminder, reminding everybody that you know this tragedy in Texas is not an opportunity for us on Instagram to build our brand and boost our sales. And that hit me really hard, because truthfully, there's a fine line between, I think, using your voice to help and using tragedy to grow your platform. And I I hope that I'm walking that line with integrity. Because I'm not recording these episodes to boost my downloads, to gain clients or be a thought leader. I'm doing this because my heart won't let me be quiet, and I know if it's on my heart as a mom, it's likely on your heart as a mom, and I believe deeply that moms need each other in moments. Like this, not to fix anything, not to make it better, but to hold space, to sit beside each other in heartbreak, to help ourselves feel less lonely, and to help our kids learn how to do the same and navigate talking to our kids about it. And because, you know, to be honest, it's hard to know what to say, especially if we are trying to support someone through the grief, and say, I have a lot I lived in Houston, so while I am not firsthand experiencing the loss, I have friends who are and I have friends who are really suffering, and I want to be there for them, and I want to know how to help them. And so that's really what I want to talk about today. It's, How often is it that we should be reaching out, and what should we be offering? You know, how can we be there for people who were suffering through grief without making it about us, without worrying about how do I sound? Am I being a good friend? You know, not make it about me, but truly to be that anchor, that pillar of support, the real, you know, unfiltered, authentic love that these people are lacking right now. They are feeling so jilted by life, so empty, so heartbroken, so desperate for relief and for reality to be different. And, you know, how can we give them the love, the space, the company, the strength? And I think a lot of times for people myself included, we don't really know what to say. We don't want to be inappropriate. We don't want to make them feel more sad. You know, do they want to hear their loved one's name, or is that too painful right now? Should we pause on our own lives or keep going and risk looking insensitive? I know we all want to go back in time. We want to fix it, but because we can't often, I think it causes us to freeze. But here's what, I believe, we can't fix it, but we can be with it. And being with someone's pain is one of the greatest acts of love. There is, you know, tragedies like the Kerrville floods, like the, you know, the war in Ukraine. And you know, if you maybe you are going with, you know, you've just experienced some significant loss in your life. It's a tragedy, especially when they involve kids, the innocent, the just oh my gosh, is this really happening? Like the losses at Camp mystic, they're so big, our minds cannot make sense out of it. It cannot wrap around them. And when something feels too big to process, our nervous system flips into survival mode, which is innate response for all of us. You either go into fight, flight freeze or fawn. It's not a thought, it's an actual animalistic response in that state, when we are in Fight, Flight freeze or fawn, we can't think logically, we cannot problem solve, we cannot heal. We're just trying to survive. And when we are dysregulated, we sometimes pull away from others instead of leaning in. And that's what feels safe to us, and we don't want to say the wrong thing, so we end up a lot of times saying nothing at all. But what if we chose differently? What if we stayed even when it felt really hard, even when it's awkward and difficult and uncomfortable, because this kind of loss, it's one step away from any of us. This is a human thing. It isn't a them thing. And so I want to talk about ways to support somebody walking through grief, because at some point we're all going to be in that position, and our kids are gonna be in that position as well. And I wanna just offer us some tools so that we feel a little less helpless, a little less frozen, and we can open up our hearts, right? First one is say their loved one's name, don't erase them. That is what they are fearing the most, that this person that they love so much isn't here anymore. And are they, are they going to be remembered? Are they significant? And we want to make sure that absolutely forever. And so you can say things like, I've been thinking about this person all day long, or, I remember when you told me a story about this person, the people that are experiencing the loss, they want to know that their loved one hasn't been forgotten, especially after the immediate period, right? You know, the first several months, there's a lot of outpouring of support. You know, down the road, it's those the anniversaries of the day that they were lost. It's that random Tuesday. It's those days when we are busy going throughout our life. Not to say you have to put a reminder in your calendar, but if that person ever pops into your head or brain or heart, just send them a message and let them know I've been thinking about you and I've been thinking about the person that you've lost you.

Scottie Durrett  10:01  
The second thing is, offer specific help. Instead of saying, let me know if you need anything, because they're they are so overwhelmed, they cannot, they cannot think of anything. Try things like, I'm bringing dinner Tuesday, does does lasagna work? Or I'm taking your kids for a few hours this weekend, or I can help with errands next week. Grief fog makes decision making impossible. In fact, grief makes taking the next breath feel impossible. So the fewer choices they have to make, the better they have lost strength where we still have strength. So let's use it and not hide it. Number three, be there after the first week. This is kind of what I was mentioning before most people show up in the first few days, few weeks. But it's those ordinary, insignificant days, those random Wednesdays, those weeks, those months later, that hurt the most. Text them, then drop flowers by then invite them to coffee, then give them love. Then, especially on those days where, if they've lost somebody, you know, on a Father's Day, if they've lost their father, and everybody else is celebrating Father's Day, reach out to them. Let them know. I know today feels different for you. Father's Day now has a new meaning. I just want to let you know I love you so much, and I'm thinking about your dad, I'm thinking about that person, it will help them feel less lonely, and it will remind their subconscious, in their heart, that love does still exist. Another thing is, don't rush their healing. Please don't say things like everything happens for a reason. At least they're in a better place. You'll feel better soon. None of that helps, because that's not what they want. This isn't the reality they want. They would give anything in their life to go back and have a different reality. Instead, we can say things like, I am so sorry. I hate that this happened. I'm here for whatever you need. This is awful, and I love you because it allows them the space and the support to process and handle this the way that feels best to them, and it doesn't make them feel any better if we say things that gaslight or excuse their pain, right? And the last thing, let silence be okay. You don't have to fill the air with solutions. Your steady, loving presence is enough. And I think air on the side of when they're when they pop into your heart reach out, even if it's just a simple message to say, I love you and I'm thinking about you now. Speaking of our kids, how can we help our kids support their friends who are going through some loss? Kids feel helpless when they don't understand what's going on, and they also feel scared and helpless when their friends are hurting because their friends aren't acting the way that they're used to. But they also want to help. They don't want to feel shy and insignificant and without words. And I think for our kids, what they are missing are the words to put things to meaning. And so if we can give them some simple things that they can say or do, it's like they can memorize that and then they have a solution when they wouldn't otherwise have it. And so here are some ways to guide them, encourage them to check in with their friends. I'm so sorry. You're sad. I miss your dad too. I miss your grandmom too. I miss your sister too. Help them make a card or draw a picture. Let them attend the memorials. Let them attend the community vigils if they feel ready. Teach them that showing up for their friend, that's love, that's that's support, even if it's awkward, even if they don't know what to say, even if it feels uncomfortable, that discomfort is going to not only help their relationship grow, it's going to help that their friend feel safe with them, to know that they can come to them when they're having a hard day. And honestly, these are the kinds of skills that the help us raise those emotionally aware, compassionate kids, because we all know there's still going to be more loss down the road. There's still going to be more grief, and when they learn how to sit with it and to feel it and experience it, it's only going to help them in situations down the road. And it's very, very powerful. You know, as hard as it is, too, I think what we want to also recognize that while the world is still moving on, social media is still moving on, life is moving on. You know, especially with these families suffering in Texas and all these families who have just experienced loss in the last year recently, those families will never go back to their normal and grief gets harder when the the casseroles stop, the text stop, and the invitations stop, the unexpected visitors stop. So make a reminder for yourself to check on them one month later, three months later, one year later. On their child's birthday or the anniversary of the loss, because grief doesn't follow a calendar, and this is that beautiful reminder to them that the person that is no longer here. They still matter. They're still remember, they're still being held, they're still being honored, they're still being recognized. I will say none of this will ever feel easy or quote right? We will never have the perfect thing to say, because we can't bring their loved ones back. But it's not about what you are saying that matters. It's how you are making them feel. But what is right is that we lean in any way. Is that we reach out anyway, we hold the space we stay close. Grief is a forever road, and we don't want the people that we love to have to walk it alone. It's not an easy thing to accept and process, but it is a part of life, and when we can be there for our friends in the celebrations and the loss, that's really what creates that environment. And I was talking about, I you know that environment earlier, our health, our happiness, our success, it is bigger than just what's going on in our own bodies and in our own homes. It's who we stand around ourselves with. It's who we bring our families around it's who, how we choose to spend our free time and where we choose to, you know, socialize and spend time with people. This is part of that environment is really being there for people, when for the good and the bad and the bad is hard, but the bad is when they need us the most. And I know that you and I would feel the same way. We wouldn't want to walk this alone either. So it's just something that I want you to know that is on my heart. I'm thinking about it a lot, and I'm here. If you are wanting to talk through this, please don't hesitate to reach out. Next week is going to be another part of this series and a wrap it up, but it's really about how we can share tips on how we really talk to our kids about loss, and I want to share some just practices and soul care tools that you can use when the grief is fresh and raw and when it lingers in your body, but also so that you and your family feel like you have a little bit more support to help you. Put one foot in front of the other. I'm going to go ahead and put some great resources in the show notes for you that will help you. If you want to read more on this or just research some more, these have been really, really helpful for me. I'm also going to drop the information for our Crisis Text Line. So I just want to make sure we all know for ourselves and for our families, nobody's alone, and if we need support, that's a you know, we can always reach out, and there's some resources for you to do that. I'm sending you so much love today. May we hold each other a little bit closer, and may we teach our kids that kindness matters most when the world falls short. I love you so much, mom, and I'm here for you. Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together. And if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottydirt.com to learn more. Get in touch with me, or dive deeper into this work, until next time. Mom, Trust yourself, trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.