How To Say No and Keep The Peace This Holiday

Scottie Durrett  0:06  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty durett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up, join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. Hey, my

Scottie Durrett  0:40  
beautiful Mama, I'm excited about this episode. You know why it was a listener's choice? You all requested it, and it is such a good one. How can we say no this holiday season and keep the peace? Because the holidays are here. As I'm recording this, it's October 24 which means when you are listening to this, Halloween has just ended, and even as you are still snacking on your kids leftover Butter fingers, your brain, it's already jumping to Thanksgiving holidays, to New Year's. It's that boom, boom, boom. Time of year. I mean, I just saw an ad for holiday Garland the other day, and hallmark is already pumping out their countdown to Christmas and Hanukkah movies, the planet, the decorations, the commitments, they're coming in hot even if they're not on your actual calendar, yet they are already on your mind. There is that invisible load that I always talk about. It's starting to it's starting to just layer on the left shoulder, the right shoulder. It's just starting to layer on and if you have ever, in the past, at any point, said yes to an event, a family visit, a family member, if you've said yes to any of those things when you wanted to say no, just so you could avoid guilt, judgment or that look, you're not alone, but that little trauma of saying yes when you wanted to Say No, it's likely still in your body, and you might even feel a little bit of a twinge in your stomach already worrying that it's going to happen again, kind of dreading that same stress, that same conversation. So if you are looking forward to the holidays, and also secretly, you can't wait for them to be over. This episode is for you, because we are going to talk about how you can actually enjoy this season, how you can set healthy boundaries, say no to people and plans that drain you and still keep the peace. Does that sound good? Because you're not a doormat. Your job is not to run yourself ragged, trying to make everyone else happy. The goal isn't to just get through the holidays or pretend you're fine when you're not. The goal is to learn tools that help you enjoy this time of year, to grow your capacity to handle those conversations, the challenges, and stay present and peaceful instead of frustrated and triggered. You love this time of year. I do too. I'm in my cozy sweater right now. I want us to get out of it. What we want to get out of it, right? I want you to enjoy it for yourself and your kids. You don't want to be pissed. You don't want to have to hide in the bathroom just to take a deep breath so you don't literally throw a turkey at somebody's head. I don't want you giving fake smiles. I don't want you to count down till someone's playing takes off. Let's be grown ups. Yep, this year we're going to do it again, but we're going to do it from power, not from people pleasing. And I'm asking you, because you are capable, you can do this. You are a badass, right? One of the things I've really been thinking about with my mission and why I'm doing what I'm doing there is work for us to do. There is and I think what's really empowering for us is to listen to our bodies, to listen to those moments where we feel frustrated and where we feel discouraged and where we feel pissed off and not seen and exhausted, because that's our body communicating with us to tell us we don't really like where we are. It doesn't mean that life has to stay there, and it doesn't mean we have to sulk either. It means that we have a beautiful opportunity to do something about it, and we are strong enough to do it. I heard this mom and this woman who's on Instagram say that what she wants to do is to. Break through all those glass ceilings so that the future girls don't have any ceilings they can just live their best life. I love that. Yes. Is it going to take work? Yes, are there going to be uncomfortable conversations? Yes, are there going to be ups and downs and Topsy turbies? Yes, but rather than sulking and staying in these moments where we don't feel as good as we want to feel, let's try different things, because on the other side of it, is feeling fucking amazing and creating a path for our kids and future generations to feel fucking amazing. And I'm telling this to you because I know that you can do it, and if you're here listening to this podcast deep down, you want to do it. So before you dive into the holidays, here's your first challenge. Get with your crew. I want you to sit down with your immediate family, the ones that live under your roof, 365, days out of the year. Get clear on what y'all want actually this season, ask everybody, bring your pen and paper or your cell phones. They can open up their notes app all ages. Everybody at the table, I want you to ask them, What are you most looking forward to this holiday season? What do you get most excited about over the holidays? What are you not looking forward to? What do you wish we did not do anymore? Go around the table and write it down and make it a safe space. This is not about judgment or hurt feelings. No, you're ruining the holidays. Let everyone say what they truly love and what they don't really like and make it a Get Out of Jail Free card so they know that you're not going to get upset like this is a really beautiful time for everyone to be really honest. Do this before the holidays kick off, before all the noise, before the group texts start, before you see everything on Pinterest and Instagram, before the in laws show up, before the guilt storms and the holiday cards start rolling in. It's going to do a couple of things for you. One, you're going to learn so much, not only about yourself, but about your kids, and then you'll get really clear on what to prioritize this holiday, because you're going to know what matters most to you and your family. And before anyone else tells you what you should be focusing on, you're going to say, I already know it's so helpful, because then when you are working your tail off to put together the most amazing holiday, you'll know I'm not wasting time or energy, because I know everybody in my house actually wants what we're working towards. Nothing is more frustrating for us moms when we work our ass off and everybody's like, Thanks for this three tiered gingerbread house, mom. But I don't really like gingerbread. We're not even going to waste energy, because we're not going to be doing stuff that they don't want and that we don't want everything, that you're going to be focusing your time and energy. You're going to know that it's worth it, that this is one of the priorities. It's a great exercise. I actually like doing this with my kids, even before we go on trips. That way, you're not frustrated because you're working your tail off trying to make the quote, perfect holiday, the perfect trip. And everybody's like, I didn't even want that. This is so clear. You have your priorities, and then it'll help. I'm going to explain later on in the episode. It'll help you with your yeses and your nose. I can speak to this because I was the president. I was the queen. I lived in the the

Scottie Durrett  8:37  
White House of the town where you only said yes, and never said no. I was the queen of Sure. We'll be there even when I didn't want to be. I'm a child of divorced parents. I am the baby. I'm the only girl. I am the peacekeeper. I'm the good kid. My two older brothers, they're kind of shitheads, and they got in a lot of trouble. I never got in trouble. I had good grades, I followed the rules, I did what was expected of me. I got a lot of praise for that. I love that. I always love it. My parents always told me, like, you never caused us any trouble. We never have to worry about you. You're the one we can count on, right? I made everybody happy. I never ruffled any feathers. I was a good kid. And then when my parents broke up, my brother, he's just not been around that much, so I felt like I had to be a continue. I had to be the glue. I had to continue to be the good one. So when they broke up, I made sure to see both of them on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, because that's how it had been when they were together, even if that meant I had to run from house to house. I kept this all bottled up, all bottled up, and I was still dealing with, wow, my parents are splitting up. I was smiling on the outside, but I was a mess on the inside. It was brutal. I was racing from one parent to the other. I was trying to make everyone happy, everyone else. And you know what? Now, looking back on it, hindsight is always 2020, they still felt how they felt. It didn't matter what I was doing, right? My over functioning didn't fix or change their emotions. One year, I dragged Park, who was just my boyfriend, then all over New Orleans, we were carrying turkeys and mashed potatoes and gifts, and we actually ended up eating two full meals, and kind of lied about it, like told my mom we were starving, and then shoved food down our mouths and then raced to my dad's and pretended like we hadn't just eaten and we had barely had time to digest it before we were off again, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. So I was lying. I was super stressed out. I was trying to hold it all together. In the meantime, there was a part of me that was also like crap. I've got divorced parents. This is really hard, and I wasn't processing that right. I was just trying to keep the peace, but it just left both Park. We were super annoyed with each other. We were exhausted. We didn't feel any peace at all. I was trying so hard to make sure my parents were happy and that they were feeling good, but I felt awful. I thought saying yes was what good daughters do. But honestly, all that people pleasing, it didn't create connection. It didn't create a pleasant holiday together. It created resentment. They could see that on my face, right? You can say you're fine. You can say one thing, but it the energy is oozing out of you. And we were visiting New Orleans from San Francisco, so it wasn't like we had a long visit with my parents. So the moments that we did have together, they weren't even quality. Our energy does not high. It pours out of us, that fake smile, that tight I'm fine. They can feel it when we are off, when we're not ourselves, the tight jaw, that edge in our voice when we're supposed to be in the holiday spirit. I should have said, No, I don't blame myself. I was doing the best that I could at the time with the information that I had, but I now know I could, and I should have said no to my parents, because saying no isn't a rejection. It didn't mean I didn't love them. It's a redirection. I'm going to explain this. We're going to reframe this, no isn't a rejection. It's a redirection towards something better, something that could actually work out better, and what, what could matter when you say no to something that doesn't work for you, you create space to find a new way. And it's in that moment that reframe that we can see saying no to something that's not a bad thing, but as a way to make things work for everyone even better. Take my parents, for example, once I finally said no to seeing them both on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We decided, as a family, my dad gets Christmas Eve, my mom gets Christmas Day. Everybody agreed. Everybody was happy. The problems were solved. And then when I showed up to be with each of them, we were relaxed. I was present. I was engaged. I was able to really be there. We could breathe. It was delightful. And they were everybody was on the same plan. They were all prepared, you know, we, I think a lot of times when we get those text messages and the invitations and the the, you know, the emails, we instinctively want to solve them right away, and we forget sometimes that all of those things are a request, not a demand. Hey, we'd love for you to come over for Christmas Eve. That's an invitation. It's not a demand. And if you already have plans on Christmas Eve, but you also want to see that person, you could say we would love to here's what we can do, right? There's always a way to adjust it. It's a way to re look at these things. Not everything has to be a demand. We can look at everything as a request, and we can be honest about our capacity. Do we have room for that request? And if we do, what kind of room do we have? In addition, when you learn to say no and you honor your boundaries in your capacity, you are in real time regulating your nervous system, which means you can actually enjoy the holidays instead of just surviving them, because when you're calm, your brain can find creative solutions. You have balanced energy, and then you can love your family and still choose what's right for you. You can say no and still be kind. You can set boundaries and keep the peace. It's all about energy and intention when your no comes from calm and clarity, not defensive. This, it lands differently. So do boundaries. Your job isn't to manage everyone else's emotions, because honestly, just what I was saying before, it didn't matter that I was trying to bounce around like a ping pong ball between my mom and my dad's house. They still were living their life. They were still going through their divorce and their own thoughts and their own emotions. It didn't matter if I was going loop de looped, they were still going to have their own life experience. Our job is to protect our own peace so that we can show up grounded, loving and fully ourselves. That's what we owe to the people in our lives. That's what everyone's expecting for us to show up as we promised, not half assed, but as ourselves. So, because everybody can feel it when we don't want to be there, when the energy is off and it's awkward, and no one wants that, not you, not them. So, but what if saying no to how things have been, it's scary. I you know, I can't, I'm not going to tell you that this isn't going to be an uncomfortable conversation. It's, it is a version of confrontation, right? But on the other side of it, there is relief. Think about it like crying. I think we have not villainized crying, but I don't know if you, you know, growing up for me, crying was always thought of as like, you know, you're being too sensitive. Don't cry in public, you know, don't show your emotions. So I was really programmed to think of crying as something that you do in private, and you really don't let it happen for too long, but there's so much healing, so much clarity, so much purification that happens in crying. And the same thing happens with communication. The same thing happens with confrontation, especially if it's coming from a place of love, right? So if we've been saying no to things. I mean, if we've been saying yes to things that we really want to say no to, it's like it's it's time to it's time to cry, right? Because when we start saying no to how things have been, especially when they aren't working for us, it allows us to purify it. It allows us to find another option that could possibly work for everybody even better. That allows you to show up fully happy, engaged and ready to be there. Think about how that will be for everybody. Think about that for a second. Imagine this holiday showing up, if there's a if there is a situation in your life, if you can safely and comfortably do so, close your eyes. If there is a person, a place or a thing that does trigger you over the holidays that you feel this, I guess, guilt, shame or dread about your obligation to them and you're too afraid to tell them no, you're too afraid to let them down, and you keep forcing yourself in, and you walk in and you don't you don't want to be there the moment you walk in. The moment you walk in, you can feel your jaw clench. You can feel your toe, your shoulders tighten. You can feel the annoyance like bubble up. You're already annoyed before you've walked in the door.

Scottie Durrett  18:20  
Just imagine if when you walked in the door, your shoulders were relaxed, you didn't feel annoyed. You could sit down and put your feet up. You could breathe deeply, you could actually be there. It's that's possible when we are honest about our priorities, our capacity and our boundaries, and we communicate that with the people that we love. We create a better foundation in our own health, and we have a more peaceful demeanor about us. Our nervous system is calm, and we're taking better care of ourselves, right? And when we look after ourselves, that our, you know, our inner health is the foundation for everything else. When we're sound, our life is sound. If we're not sound on the inside, nothing else is sound. And that's, you know, that's our responsibility to be we're the only ones that know ourselves. We're the only ones that can be honest about our capacity, and the people in our lives are trusting us. They're believing us, so that when we say yes, they're they're taking us at our word. So if we're saying yes, when we mean no, they're not going to doubt that. They're going to believe that when we say yes, we mean it. So it's up to us to be honest, and when we get really clear on our priorities and our capacity, and we're honest about that, then we can set these boundaries with love. Honesty is love. Boundaries are love. Communication is our responsibility. And when you practice saying no with love, you start building evidence that it works. And then your nervous system, your brain, starts to realize, wait. Right? It worked. That was actually a better holiday than last year's. I'm going to try that again next year, that peace and connection can coexist with you, not feeling triggered. We have villainized saying no, I believe we think it makes us look like an asshole, or like we don't love somebody, or that we are not the good kid, just like I was when my parents got divorced, I thought a good daughter always says yes, but when we lie and say we're fine when we're not or agree to something we don't actually want to do that's worse, because when we do that, we're saying that we don't believe the people in our lives are capable of meeting us where we really are, and we're not even giving them the chance to know us in our truth. We're actually holding back. We're actually not even being our true, authentic selves. And there's when we're not our true, authentic the authentic selves. There is a lock. You can only go so far in that relationship, and the relationship will hit its limits, but we're not even we're not even giving it a chance for growth or change, and it's truly none of our business what somebody else is capable of doing, but why not give them a chance? Why not at least be honest about where we are and how we're feeling and see if they can meet us. It might take them a little bit of time, but what if they can't? Our only job is to be honest about how we feel, what we can do, what we can't do, what we like and what we don't like, and to honor that truth and communication. No one knows us like we do. Nobody can read our minds. It's our job to share what's going on with us, and it's also not anybody else's job or responsibility to make us feel anyway. If we don't feel good in a situation, it's not anybody else's responsibility to change so that we feel better. It's our responsibility to ask, What can I do to help myself feel better in this moment. What would I like to be experiencing? And how can I help myself experience that? Saying no to things when you really mean No, that's a beautiful start, right? It's hard. I'm not going to say this isn't hard. It's like learning a new language. It's like holding a plank. I always talk about this. When you go to the gym and you want to start building up those abs, you want to hold a plank. You don't hold your first plank for five minutes. You start with 10 seconds, right? And then you build up, and before you know what you're holding for a minute. But over time, when you start practicing, you realize you can do it. It's if we're honest, if we set boundaries with love and the people in our lives, you start to see that they do respond to it and honestly, they are going to enjoy you, honest, you real, you authentic, you so much more than the version of you that doesn't want to be there because you're not showing up truthfully, right? Because you're not taking care of yourself. And if you are being honest, if you can lay your head on the pillow at night and you're like, look, I was honest today. I set boundaries with love. And there are people in my life who can't handle that. That's on them. It's not your job to adjust so that they are okay. Sure, it might make for a little discomfort, but it will likely lead to less discomfort in the future and closer bonds, because if we keep saying yes when we mean no and fine when we're not feeling fine, that will only pull us farther apart, farther and farther and farther apart, the resentment will build, and the relationship will only be able to go as far as it can go, regardless of how someone takes our boundaries, our nose and our communications, we can still feel proud knowing we showed up with integrity, kindness and modeled that for our kids and that we took care of ourselves. Right? If we are not feeling supported and loved by the people in the world around us. Let's do a body check and ask ourselves, How have I been honestly supporting and loving myself first? When have I been saying yes, when I mean no? Have I been pushing my capacity? Have I been honoring my boundaries? Right? Because we are the only ones who can truly fill our own lack. It's not anybody else's job out there. Also, it feels way better to be truthful than to pretend. It feels way better to be able to sit on the sofa and relax than to have to hide out in the bathroom. Not saying that's never going to happen, but if you really think about your two choices, what would be one that. You want long term, okay, I'm not going to leave you stranded with just like, hey. Say no, set some boundaries. Have a great holiday. See you on the flip side, I'll give you some some helpful moves, because I want to, I want to actually help you do this. I really number one. I really think that family alignment, meeting before this all begins, sit with your family. Get really clear. What are you excited about this holiday season? What are you looking forward to the most? What are you least excited about this holiday season? What are you really not looking forward to? Everyone at the table gets a voice, even the kids, no matter how young they are, this is going to help you get really clear on your family's priorities on for the holidays. Then you know what you should be focusing on, where your energy goes right? It's going to make everything so much easier. Then let's talk about how you can, number two, deliver the know when you're invited to something that maybe doesn't light you up, it drains you or it doesn't really support those priorities that your family just listed out. You could start with something really nice. First of all, try your best to not say, I'm sorry, just try to say thank you so much for the invitation we're not able to attend this year. We hope you have a wonderful holiday, beautiful, right? Or if you do want to stop by, but your calendar is really busy, you could say we are so thankful for your invitation. We're not able to come for the whole time, but we're able to come for the last half. Does that work for you? Here's what we can do instead, right? No drama, just love, just honesty. And that's leadership, right? Because the person on the other side, they adore you, but what they really appreciate is just knowing what to expect, right? If their party is from seven to nine, and you can only show up at 830 they're probably like, great, but now I know I don't have to set the table for you and your family, right? That's just love and honesty, right? Number three, let's it's all about your energy.

Scottie Durrett  27:17  
Your energy is your most precious currency, and every time you say yes or no, that is cash in or cash out, right? So before committing before before you immediately respond to the text message, the email, the phone call, just take a deep breath and ask yourself, can I can my family? Can we afford this energetically? Because if it's going to cost you your peace, your sanity, your sleep or your joy, it's too expensive. And then you can go back to number two, and you can just kindly say thank you so much for the invitation. We're not able to make it this year. I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Number four, the power of hitting pause. You don't owe anybody an instant answer just because a text message has come through. An email has come through. You have a voicemail in your inbox doesn't mean you have to answer it immediately. I know for us as humans, we like to get it's a dopamine hit, right? When you check something off the to do list, when you answer an email, when you get stuff like, done, done, done, it's like, you're like, I'm so productive. I'm getting things done, that person's happy, I'm productive. Check, check, check, dopamine. Hit, give yourself a moment. You can always use the phrase thank you so much. Let me check our schedule. I'll get back to you in 24 hours. Give yourself some time for your nervous system to breathe before you commit. You can also give yourself time to go check in with your whole committee, your whole family, before you answer. You don't owe anyone an instant answer. And number five, just give yourself some compassion. Most of our guilt comes from wanting to please the people that we love, and we really always want to be praised that we're the good ones, and we are the good ones, and that's why we love it. And you are an amazing person, even when you say no. But I want you to do me a favor before you text back or call your relative. I want you to take three deep breaths, breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth. And I want you to tell tell yourself I'm not rejecting them. I am protecting my peace and my family's peace. And then go back to number. Do we love spending time with you. Thank you so much for this invitation. We cannot make it this year, unfortunately, but we hope you have a wonderful holiday. There are so many ways to say no without even actually saying the word no, and there's so many ways to gently let people know that your schedule doesn't work without saying the words, I'm sorry, but you know yourself the best. You know how you are going to be able to show up at your best and at the end of the day, that's what we owe the people in our life. They just showing up a body, a body that doesn't want to be there, a body that's annoyed, a body that's resentful, a body that's huffing and puffing and sulking. They'd probably not rather have you there, right? What they'd rather have is somebody that respects them enough, loves them enough to tell them the truth, and you are strong enough to do that. And when you show your kids that you can say no with kindness and protect your peace and still be loved by the people in your life, you're teaching them how to do the same, because they're going to need to know how to do this. Right? How busy our lives are right now, how challenging our lives are right now. It isn't just happening to us, everything that we're going through. Our kids are going to go through it as well. So we want to learn those tools. We want to learn how to get through these challenges and then be able to model that for our kids. No, doesn't have to be a cuss word. It can be a really loving one, and it can be an opportunity to create stronger relationships, better experiences and a much more healthy nervous system, because when you honor your limits, your yeses become more powerful, because then you can show up at 110% more genuinely, more authentically, and You can give your best energy and exact and actually enjoy the people that you say yes to, right? Like the yeses are actually like hell yes, like they're not even a maybe they're a heck freaking Yes. You're the only one that knows your limits. You're the only one that can read your mind, and teaching your kids to know their limits is one of the greatest gifts you can give. And teaching them to know that their limits are healthy and they're okay, and they don't need to hide their limits, and they don't need to abandon them either, that's the real holiday magic. So this year, instead of trying to create the quote, perfect holiday for everybody else, create one that actually feel good, feels good for you, and start with that, sitting around the table with your family so that you know what everyone at your in your house wants to be working towards. You've got this. Remember, your health is the foundation for everything else. It's the foundation for your relationships, your holiday, your work, your business, your future, and when you're grounded, when you're healthy, when you're peaceful and full of genuine joy, everyone around you feels it, your partner, your kids, even your in laws. And that's how we change the vibe this season one honest, loving, know at a time. All right, Mama, your move go sit down with your family at the table, write down everybody's wants and not wants for the holiday season. That's going to be your your blueprint to Make Your most lovely holiday. And if you hit a snag, just send me a DM. If there's actually a specific thing that you're going through and you need a little extra support and guidance, let's we'll work through it together. You don't have to do this alone. You've got this I love you if and if you need a little SOS help. You know how much I love tapping. It's a beautiful reset for your nervous system, because it gets you out of fight or flight. It tells your fear center and your brain that you're safe, and it calms down your whole body, so then you can actually make decisions from a really calm, grounded place, rather than from an anxious, frantic place. If you need that, send me a DM. I've got some great tapping that can help you through the holiday season and keep your nervous system calm and your soul lit up. Also, I'm having a November high by moms workshop. It's on November 19. I would love to have you there. It's going to be freaking amazing. The link is in the show notes. It's a toolbox for you to have a kick ass motherhood. And you get to breathe and tap with me live. It's gonna you're gonna literally show up, and you're gonna learn some new tools to help you feel calm, grounded, confident and incredible. And you get to talk to me live. I love it. You don't have to fake find this holiday. You just have to stay aligned. You've got this. Yes, I love you so much. Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life. Please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together. And if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottyderette.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time. Mom, Trust yourself, trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.