How to Talk to Your Kids About Loss—When the World Feels Scary and Sad

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty durrette, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. You Hello, my beautiful mama. Welcome back to the podcast. My name is Scotty, and I'm just so grateful that you are here with me today. If you've been listening to the podcast this month, you know that my heart has been feeling heavy lately, and maybe yours has too, and we've been talking a lot about grief. This week, we're going to shift the conversation to our kids, because as much as we want to shield them from the hard things in life, we can't always protect them from everything. In fact, we don't want to always protect them from everything, because tragedy and loss and pain is a part of life, and when we allow them to learn about it, just like every other subject that they are going to learn about in school and in life. The more we practice experiencing it, the stronger our resilience becomes, the stronger our central nervous system becomes, and the more experience and words we have to put to big feelings. And with our kids, a lot of times, they're feeling stuff for the very first time. It's confusing. They feel out of control. And when they feel out of control, they can really feel anxious, and that's when they can start to act out. They can either start to behave in a way they've never behaved before, or really shut down. And so while it is really uncomfortable and painful to hold things like grief and loss and tragedy. The more we walk that path with our kids, the stronger we both become, and we can't always protect them from hearing about things, you know, social media and the way that information is now passed at our fingertips. They are receiving information, and we want to make sure that we support them. So if they have questions, they know they can come to us and ask us things. So then they really get the information from the best source, which is you. We want to be that person that can guide them through things, not gloss over it. And whether it's something happening far away that is tragic or feels like massive loss, or something closer to home, like losing a pet, a grandparent or a friend, our kids, just like us, are gonna face loss in their lifetime, and we can be their guidance system through that. So today, I wanna give you some loving, practical ways to help your kids process loss in a way that feels safe and supportive and honest without overwhelming them, but respecting them and their feelings, their big, big feelings, because kids process grief differently than adults. In fact, you and your friend are going to process grief differently, but our kids don't have the emotional vocabulary yet, or brain development like we do. Their nervous systems are still wiring for safety. So when they feel something really big, they need help naming it and moving through it. And they often process things in short bursts. One minute they're crying, the next they're playing a video game, or they're out on their bike trying to find their friends. This is normal. They take emotional cues from us. If we avoid the topic, if we don't learn how to process grief, they're going to learn that grief and loss is scary, and it is scary, but it is something that we want to help each other through it. If we lean in with honesty and love, then they will learn that they can handle hard feelings and come out on the other side and know that we are there to support them, that they can come to us with any question. The core truth is grief doesn't break them. Being alone in grief is what really breaks someone down when we give our kids a safe place to feel what they are really feeling, and help them identify that and build emotional resilience with it. These are incredible tools that they will use in their life, throughout in any level of trauma. You know, they talk about big T and little T. Trauma is trauma, and it lives in our body, and it can really leave an imprint, and it can affect our beliefs, our actions and our results. We want to give them tools to learn how to process trauma. So how do we talk to our kids about loss? The first thing is, be honest, not overly detailed, but don't don't lie to them about. About it. Kids can sense when something is wrong. We don't want to lie or hide to protect them, but also don't flood them with more information than they need. You know, you want to go into it age appropriate. There was an event that took place, and some families lost family members that they love, or yes, you know, granddaddy did pass away, and we want to make sure that they know that we also see what they are seeing, we also feel what they are feeling. And we tell them it's really sad, let them know that we are also feeling what they feel. If it's someone you know, it's like grandpa died. That means his body stopped working and he won't be coming back. We're going to miss him a lot, simple, honest and clear. The second thing is, use words that are in their vocabulary, that they understand, avoid vague phrases like they went to sleep forever. This can make kids really afraid of bedtime or think that that might happen to them. You don't want to say things like they went away, they'll wonder why they didn't come back. In fact, depending on their age, they might think they might not come back, because of them personally use clear words like loss and death and they died. It feels harsh to us, but it helps them understand reality. And then, if they're on the playground and somebody says something, they actually already have things defined. They will feel safer and know how to respond to things that they hear when you're not around. The third thing is, let them ask questions and answer them honestly, calmly and in a way they can understand it's okay to say things like, I don't know, that's a really good question. I'm thinking about it too. You know, you could say some people believe this, other people believe this. What do you believe? What feels true to you? You're teaching them it's okay to wonder and not to have all the answers. And I think that's really important for them to know that you are also going through this in real time, just like they are, and that you don't also have the answers. Because even if we've lost someone in the past, whenever we lose someone new, it's new. It's a different experience in our bodies and our hearts, and we're going through it alongside our kids. I think that's important for them to see that you are having a human experience just like them. Number four, show them how to feel their feelings. Kids learn from what we model. And you can say things like, I feel sad too, and it's okay to cry. It's okay because crying helps the sad come out, and your feelings are welcome here. Your feelings are safe here. Help them move those feelings. Go outside. Move your body. Let them see how you process when you're feeling sad, if you light a candle or if you journal, if you say a prayer, if you turn on music, if you you know like to go ground or go for a walk, grief needs a space for our kids to learn how to express it, not avoid it or fix it, But to really express it. And so if you are learning how to express it yourself, don't hide that from them. Let them see you doing that because you are their example. You are their you are their blueprint and their model. And most importantly, remind them that they're safe in love. Laws can shake a child's sense of safety, and it's not just loss of a person or a thing. You know if, if you're going through a divorce or a separation, their their whole entire world is feeling shook and unsafe and they're scared and worry, let them know that you're always there for them, that they are safe, and you can repeat things like you are loved, and I'm always here for you, and we will figure this out together. And how you are feeling matters to me, and I'm always here for you

Scottie Durrett  8:52  
anytime, any of us, when there's a crack in our world, when we have lost someone or something, or we are experiencing grief and tragedy and trauma, it is shaking the core belief system about how we see the world and how we see ourselves in the world. If you are feeling those big feelings, your kid is too The difference is you've likely had similar feelings in the past, or you know how to put words to them. They don't. So we want to make sure that in an age appropriate way, we are providing them with those missing puzzle pieces. Sometimes kids will not want to talk about it, and that's okay too. That could be about anything in their life, honestly. So let them know. You know, don't pressure them. Don't force them, just I'm here when you need to talk. I'll keep checking in, even if you don't feel like talking right now. Silence doesn't mean they're not feeling it. They may be processing it in their own way and need some time, and that's okay as a mom, don't be surprised if grief shows up in their behavior. Grief and. Loss and fear and trauma can look like tantrums can look like clingly. They know like really clingy to you, trouble sleeping, not wanting to go to school, getting really silly and really hyper or trying to avoid things, hiding out, hiding behind their door. They're not being bad. Their nervous system is deregulated. So instead of punishing this behavior, try to soothe their nervous system. Get down on their eye level, if they're younger than you, kneel down so they see you eye to eye and give them a hug, deep breathing. You know you can even put your hands on your heart and actually deep breathe and ask them to match your breath with them. Also routine. You know, we all feel this way, our bodies and our minds love routine. So routine and consistency for your kid and extra patience, which I know is hard, especially when you're also, you know, experiencing the grief and the loss. So if you need to give yourself some time outs to really breathe through and heal your nervous system, do that so you can give extra patience to your kids, because what they need the most is you not perfect words, not all the answers, not the right books or activities, just you present and loving and steady and safe. Mama, this is tender work, and it won't be perfect, but every time you show up for your kids with honesty and love, you're helping your child build muscle memory for empathy and courage and resilience, and that's going to show up in all parts of their life, not just when they're going through something hard. It's going to show up when they're going through something new, when they're going through something that is important to them, or a new, exciting challenge, and maybe, just maybe, to put a little bit more pressure on you when you are learning how to help your child heal, you're also healing your own inner child too. And I think one of the biggest things that I know I've experienced is that I was not given the tools to process grief as a child, and that's okay. I think that being a child of the 70s and 80s, we always have to look back and say our parents were doing the best they could with what they had in that moment, but also identify and have awareness. Do I need more now? Do I need more support now? And it's okay if you do, and the best person to give that to you is yourself, because there's a part of you that once needed someone to say, I see you. You're not alone in this. And if you didn't hear that, you can tell yourself that too big emotions, small emotions, all emotions, they are not easy to process. And you know, thankfully, we don't have to deal with every emotion every single day, all the time, but when they do come up, they're there for a reason, and they're very important, and they deserve our attention. And so when you're going through something like this, I just want you to know that the way you are feeling and thinking about it is exactly what your body is trying to communicate with you. Give it space to really communicate with you. It's only going to give you more awareness, more tools and more patience to be that pillar for your child and for other people in your life, right? You are incredible, and I just want you to know every single day, when you wake up in the morning, you are the exact parent that your kid needs you and your kid are actually soul mates. Soul Mates can be more than romantic love, and when you are showing up at your most authentic and most honest, it invites them to do the same. And when we are showing up unfiltered and honest with love and empathy and compassion, it creates that soul connection. And you are your child's soul mate, so trust yourself that you are the exact parent that your kid needs in this exact moment. I love you, Mom, I have shared some really helpful resources and links for you in the show notes, so be sure to go check those out and know that I am always here for you. I love you. Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together, and if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of. Real Talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottydirt.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work, until next time. Mom, trust yourself. Trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you