Mastering Communication with Your Kids

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty Durrett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up, join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. You Hey, my beautiful bad ass mama, if you follow me on the gram, you might have seen my stories this week about communicating with your children, because I have been getting so many messages and DMS from you guys asking for help. How do I deal with my kid who's not following my rules? How do I deal with my kid who's talking back to me, who's coming in late after curfew, who's being kind of mouthy, and I know especially now with summer routines kicking in and all that fresh, new kid energy, I mean, they're a year older, you're a year older, but they're getting bolder, and there's a lot of energy flying around. And so I have been getting a lot of moms asking me for help with this area, because you didn't raise a jerk. And sometimes you feel like your kid's being a jerk, and it's okay to admit that, right? It's so hard you're trying your best and still feel like, what the heck am I doing wrong? You're not doing anything wrong, but what your kid is trying to tell you in their own fumbled way is actually really good feedback. And if you can kind of step out of it and look at it as Okay, more of a detective and observing it can be really helpful and give you exactly what you need to help them through this sticky phase. I mean, I don't know how old your kid is but, I mean, for the first section of their life, we are in charge of everything, right? We have been trying to show our kids the way of the world, help them make the most out of their life, you know, in trusting them, like how they learned how to do everything. We are the ones showing them that. So we're in this habit of talking at them a lot. We give them a lot of advice. We give them a lot of instructions. We're trying to teach them lessons all the time. We're trying to instill our values and teach them. But as they age, our approach to this showing up for them has to also change and shift, and they will start to give you some feedback when that shift is happening, and sometimes that feedback comes in the way of eye rolls, slam doors, talking back, ignoring the rules. You know, deep down, they love you. You know, they are really good people. So take this phase as being out of character and ask, what is my kid trying to tell me, this isn't them. This is the anomaly. If you're not sure what they're trying to tell you or what they need, just straight up, ask them, talk with them, and this is what I was talking about in my stories this weekend. Communication. This is so freaking important. You know how important communication is in your relationships with those people who are not your family members. It is doubly important with your kids. It's so important for y'all to feel that you can say anything to each other, especially when you feel disconnected, when you're not understanding what they're trying to tell you, when you feel like you're in a new phase and you feel like you're like pounding your head against the wall, communication is going to be one of the tickets that's going to get you all working together again, and it's going to help you both understand each other and grow together. And one of those key things is to stop talking at them and stop making assumptions that you know what's going on. Stop talking all together honestly, one of the best things that we as parents can do is shut the up and literally create open space for them to free associate with us. I talked about how important it is to communicate with your kids in a way that invites them to join in, rather than talking at them like their defense system isn't up, because I know that if you've got something that you want to work through with them, we want our communication that lands, that they listen to and they receive it, and it feels safe for both of us, and it builds mutual respect. And as your kids being the bad ass individuals that they are, they're going to start to crave that respect and being less of just being talked at and someone you start to learn about and get their opinion, try and understand what's going on in their heart, in their mind, in life coaching, one of the things we learned about to best support our clients is. Right is that everybody has their own model of the world, and it's based on who we are as people. It's based on our experiences, our values, our thoughts, our beliefs, our likes, our dislikes. And every single person has their own map, their own model of the world, even in the same household. This is why you can look at a family and think, How could those two kids be raised by the same parents? They're so different. Your kid has their own map, their own model of the world. What we want to try to do as parents is get off of our map and try to get onto theirs. One of the best ways we can do that is to start asking them questions and stop talking, stop talking about them, because kids, our kids, are interesting, they're challenging, they're downright frustrating sometimes, but they're also brand new people, and we don't know everything that there is to know about them. They don't know everything there is to know about them. And so it's a really cool thing for us, especially when they get mouthy and they talk back and they ignore the rules and they straight up disrespect you, there's probably experiencing some thoughts and feelings and hormones that they've never felt before, so it's also hard for them. One of the things that we can do, because we are the more experienced we are, the adults we have a fully formed frontal lobe, is that we can get out of our own way and try to be supportive for them, try to be more of a neutral guide for them. It's hard. You got to take some deep breaths before you do it, but I wanted to talk about it today, because this can really make or break a summer with your kid. It can also really build on your relationship. It's such a good foundation for you and your kid that will work with them for the rest of their lives. And if your kids are home full time with you this summer, we want to get ahead of this now to help you both enjoy it and not just survive and not have this tense energy, because then it's going to blow up other conversations that wouldn't necessarily need to get to that level so but I have to ask you, have you ever I just had this happen the other day? Have you ever stood in the kitchen basically like all lit up, your fists are clenched, your jaw is tight, while your kid, that sweet little baby that you used to swaddle and rock to sleep, just talk back to you in a tone that you've never heard before. Or maybe your kid walks in the door, dumps their backpack, kicks off their stinky shoes, and walks down the hall and just goes into their room and slams the door right? Maybe they didn't come home in time for curfew. Maybe they left the kitchen a disaster. Maybe they forgot to flush the toilet, maybe they let the dogs out and forgot to let him back in. Like there could be a slew of things right, that are not following the rules, right? And, you know, the question comes up like, how do I deal with my mouth, the eight year old? How do I deal with my 18 year old who won't follow my rules? Help me? That's what today's episode is going to be about. I've been there. There was a day not long ago that my daughter rolled her eyes so much at me, I swear I felt it like in my soul, and I snapped. I matched her Sass with my own, and I raised my voice, and my nerves were fried and my heart was pounding. I probably broke a sweat, because I'm in perimenopause, and the words because I said so came out of my mouth before I could stop him, and I said it kind of like it was very sharp my tone, and, you know, like communication, it's only 7% of what we say. So much is about the energy and the tone and the physiology. And She flinched. I scared her. That was not my intention, but I was pissed, and I had hit my limit. And let's be honest, we all have limits. It's okay to hit them, but cue the spiral. Then I'm thinking in my head, I'm the worst mom. I'm supposed to know better. I crap. I did not want to scare her. I hate that. I want to. I mean, my gosh, I'm a life coach. I teach emotional regulation, for crying out loud, and I just lost my shit over a look. But what I've learned and what I want you to consider too your kids behavior is not a report card on your parenting. It's not proof of what kind of mom you are. It's usually more about them, and motherhood is so hard because it's one of the least personal, personal roles in the world. It's so easy to take everything personally, but most of the time it's not most of the time it has nothing to do with us. But that said, you can't ignore it. We still have rules and values and absolutely believe in respect and manners and their tone, their attitude, their reactions, especially if they're triggering you and creating tension in the house. This is all really important feedback we don't want to ignore, and it signals. It's information letting you know that something needs to shift, something does need to be addressed, and that's your opportunity. That's your invitation, not to blow up, but to. Lead both of you through it, because your job isn't to be the

Scottie Durrett  10:05  
sponge. You just takes it all, but it's guidance you it's absolutely up to you to step back and look at your life and your kids it from an objective perspective and kind of notice like, what's going on. You know, go through each kid just like we do in all areas of our life, like, how is my health? How is my sleep, how is my relationship? Do this with your kids. Like, what is going on with my kid right now? This is really important for us to kind of read them like a book, to try and get curious, like, what's going on with you, because then you can support them in a way that they need, not how you want to be supportive, but how they need to be supported. It's your job to support yourself right now. It's your job to teach them that you're there to support them, but you're trying to also teach them how to self support, right? It's interesting. It's like, why? One night? What? You know you can kiss your little kid Good night, and then the next morning you wake up and you're like, is this like a Jekyll and Hyde situation? Where did you come from? It's like, all of a sudden they're just spicy, and you haven't changed anything in your routine, and the laundry detergent and the food, and your child talks back to you, they get mouthy, they start mumbling. They're ignoring their rules. This is not just about them being difficult. It's about nervous systems in conflict. Really kids brains, especially between eight and 25 they're in a major remodeling mode, that prefrontal cortex, that decision making, impulse controlling, future thinking part. It's still not formed. It's still under construction. Ours is formed, though ours is formed, and also the amygdala, the emotional reaction center that's in charge. Their emotional reactive center is the person driving the car. So they're leading with emotions and their decision making abilities, their impulse impulse control abilities, their consequences abilities, that's that's in the backseat, and it's a toddler. It's not fully formed. So translation, your kids are wired to react first and regulate later, and when your system jumps in and reacts without regulation in the heat of the moment, then the whole room ignites. But when you stay calm and consistent and grounded and take care of your shit, then you're helping their brain learn how to regulate, and you're basically taking responsibility for your own feelings so that you can be at your best to help them learn how to take care of their own. That's absolutely our role. It's not instant, but it is about noticing it. You know, when your kid comes in, it really is this conversation internally where you say, Okay, this is not easy, but this isn't about me. I'm going to take three deep breaths, and I'm going to ask myself, Am I in a headspace and an energy space to handle this right now, or do I need to go give myself a timeout so I can come back to it? One thing I noticed with my daughter when she was younger, she would hold it all in at school. It was almost like I could see her gripping the side of a cliff like white knuckling it. But then when she got home, she could let it all out, because I was her safe space. She knew I was that unconditional safe space, so I kind of became the punching bag her nervous system would literally land on top of mine, and sometimes that meant that I had to carry a little bit more than I had planned for that day. But if I learned how to take care of myself throughout the day, I had the capacity and the strength to do that, and that's part of our responsibility, because I could show her other ways to release those emotions, put names to those feelings, ways for that helped her and me and us, and it's, you know, it's all part of like education. Yes, they're in school being educated, but they're also have to come home and be educated about themselves and how to have a beautiful, healthy relationship with you, which includes communication, confrontation, conflict, space, forgiveness, love, energy, all of it. So there is education happening at home, and you know, tough love. But if you're struggling with that and you're taking your kids personally, you've got to let go of that victim mindset, and you've got to start taking radical responsibility, because at the end of the day, we're all at cause for our life, and we really want to teach that to our kids and to get everybody out of the effect life is not happening to us, That person is not doing it to us. We want to shift it and say life is happening for me in response to me around me. How can I own that? How can I own how I'm choosing to show up to life and how I'm choosing to have the strength to be there for my kids. So how can. Can we respond to our kids who are being jerks in a way that helps us all through it? Right? Number one, stay calm. You're the safe space, not the sparring partner. Pause, breathe, drop your shoulders, lower your tone, give yourself a timeout. Do whatever you need to do to regulate your own nervous system so that you can be the strength to help them learn how to do it for themselves. This isn't about controlling them. This is about you learning how to regulate so you can lead and lead it in the direction that you believe is best for both of you. Number two, stop taking it personally, but don't ignore it. Don't let it slide. They are testing boundaries, which is normal, which is healthy. This is a good thing. You want to correct their behavior without attacking their identity, and to also do it in a way where they feel open to receive it, right? How can we give them the construction, constructive criticism so that they end up listening and they receive it, even if they don't start doing it right away, but it still lands in their head. Number three, set some boundaries that teach them, teach the family, not shame them. You can say things like, I'm here to talk when you're ready to speak respectfully to me, neutral, clear, very understandable. You're modeling emotional intelligence, right? You were also growing up and you were modeling that for them. Number four, be consistent as fuck if there is a consequence, follow through. Right? When you're at the playground and they're disrespecting you and you say, if you disrespect me one more time, we're leaving this play date, you better leave the play date empty threats. Don't teach consistency builds trust and safety. Absolutely number five, connect before you correct what I mean by this is you're a human and they are a human, and maybe the confrontation doesn't need to happen in the moment, once things cool down, you could try. Hey, earlier seemed rough. Do you want to talk? Behavior is also communication, right? It's not always about our words. Sometimes they just need to be seen. Sometimes they just need to say it all and let it out and for you to be okay with it again, it's not about ignoring it. It's about holding space for them. And number six, as they grow, you got to grow too. If they're changing, then your approach has to evolve too. Don't keep using the whole playbook of like because I said so. And if whatever you've been trying isn't working, don't be pissed at them about that. Ask them, how can I support you differently? Now, what are you needing from me in this moment? What is it that will help you feel supported? And you know, just to give you some like science, like based information and support based on your kids, age kids age eight to 10, they are going to test limits with words. As they become more independent, they want that voice. They want to say in things, not just to be following the rules like they are going to want to have a say in who you plan play dates with now and what's in their lunch box. So give them choices when possible. You don't have to give them a ton. I like binary choices. Do you want to clean up your room now or in 10 minutes, such a simple yet empowering question, right there? Kids, preteens, kids, ages 11 to 13 hormones are searching I their identity is very fragile. For the first time, they are really comparing themselves to other people. Pushback is a way for them to assert that I'm growing up. I've got this. I don't need you. I'm really strong. So if they are starting to push you away between the ages of 11 and 13, they're on time. They are. They're growing up. They're being exactly who they are meant to be at this age in life. So you want to set some boundaries and validate that you can say things like, I get that you're frustrated, still, we speak respectfully here. And do you see how you're speaking respectfully to them? That is so respectful, if you're yelling, they will rise to meet you. If you bring that tone down and you're being calm and you're being respectful, they will match that teenagers ages 14 to 18. I'm in this situation right now.

Scottie Durrett  19:27  
Freud knew what he was talking about. They are craving autonomy and respect goes both ways, yours and theirs. And so you really want to start asking for their input. What's a rule that you'd like to renegotiate, and why? Maybe they want to renegotiate how much screen time they have, or their curfew, or, you know, maybe they want to be involved in the grocery shopping because they don't just want you to get, you know, the things you've been getting for them for the last 10 years, right? This is when they're really stepping out of the you. Mom does everything for me to I'm doing a lot on my own, and we want them to have this growth, because they're going to be getting behind the wheel of a car and driving with we want them to first of all know that we trust them as individuals. We want their input, but we also want them to trust their own input, because they're going to be put into situations where they are by themselves. Will they be able to handle that? Why does this all matter? When you as a mom, model strength, you're not just avoiding a fight, you're also showing your kids how to style, stay grounded, how to speak with respect, even when they're emotionally charged, and how to process their feelings instead of blowing a gasket and exploding with them. This is knock your socks off kind of parenting. It's not about control. It's about communication. It's about connecting with them. It's about leading them. It's about getting curious, asking them questions, and setting boundaries, and the boundaries are going to have to evolve as everybody in the house evolves, right? So the next time your kid mouths off, slams a door, throws a sippy cup in your face, or rolls their eyes at you, I want you to just take a deep breath and ask yourself, What Does my child need most from me right now? What is this communication trying to tell me what is their behavior and their tone and their physiology and like? What is this trying to teach me that is going to be such a powerful position for you, and it's going to help you step up to this scenario and respond in a way that is incredibly loving, very respectful of all those involved. And it's going to help you get to the remedy. It's going to help them move through this really sticky, spicy phase, but to also be so respectful that kids are just being kids. I'm not saying I allow disrespect, but we also have to understand there's gonna be some like, new dances that we have to learn in order to live peacefully with our kids, right? And it's usually a mix, right? It's usually a mix of, like, connection, compassion, control, boundaries, and you are so capable of delivering this balance, it's just taking care of yourself. Notice if you need to give yourself some time before you have those conversations with your kid. It's hard when your kid gets spicy and they talk back to you, especially when you're exhausted. But it's our responsibilities as moms to take care of our own shit so that we can help them take care of theirs. And when they are being mouthy and talking back and having maybe acting out of character, don't just squash it. Don't just give them the lesson. Get curious. Where is it coming from? What is going on, what's on their mind, what are they experiencing at school? What is any kind of component that could be adding to this they're depending on you to be the one that can handle their shit. So do what you need to do to handle their shit. I know you can, if you want more support through this, if you have a situation that you specifically need guidance on, send me a DM or reply to this episode and specifically share it in the comments. I'm here to give you real life parenting support and be sure to hit follow at the top of this there's a plus sign at the top. You can subscribe so you never miss an episode. I'm always creating episodes that will offer you incredible support and guidance so that you feel seen, so that you can turn around and go provide the best support guidance and see your kids the way they are really asking you to be seen. You're just you're doing it, mom, and they are so lucky to have you. Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together. And if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottydirt.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time mom, trust yourself. Trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.