Maxed Out? It’s Not You—It’s the “I Can’t” Lie

Scottie Durrett  0:11  
Yo yo yo yo. Hey, Mama, okay, I've been thinking about you. You have been on my mind so much lately because I am hearing left and right in the first two weeks of school, moms are maxed out. They're burned out. They're already feeling the pressure and the pace and the hustle of September in life. And everyone is telling me it's okay, I'll get through it. Just let me get through this busy season, and then then I will have time to take care of me. Well, I'm sorry today I am going to call BS on this entire mindset, because burnout is lying to you. It's not just this season. It's not just exhaustion, it's not just stress, it's not just the schedule. Burnout is the I can't lie. I can't take a break. I can't say no, I can't spend money on myself. I can't cancel that extra commitment. I can't slow down. I can't be honest about how I feel. That soundtrack doesn't just keep you busy. It doesn't just keep you living in fight or flight. It doesn't just keep pumping cortisol, 24/7, throughout your system. It's keeping you small. It's convincing you that you're weak, that you're broken or you're that you're too much. But listen, you are not broken. You're a badass. You are whole. You're just living under this I can't lie, and today we're calling BS on it. I remember one night several years ago, I can actually take myself back there. I was standing in my kitchen, standing at the sink. My three kids were finally asleep, my husband was on the road, and I was staring at a mountain of bolognese dishes in the sink. I was definitely in that phase where I was doing the Katie Lee, where she was pureeing all of her vegetables inside the spaghetti sauce, just so she could get vegetables inside of her children somehow. So the kitchen was a complete mess, and I was staring at the dishes. It was probably 945 my legs were shaking. I was I felt hung over, but I hadn't had one sip of alcohol, but I felt hung over because that's how exhausted I was. And I thought to myself, is this? It? Wash, fold, carpool, cook, clean and repeat. I wanted to just leave the dishes and go to my room, but then that lie popped up. I can't I can't go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink. What would everybody think of me? That's that's what a bad mom does. I can't take time for me. I can't ask my kids for help. I can't admit that I'm not as happy as I want to be I can't change anything. That's the I can't lie in action, and my brilliant plan to back up the I can't lie gaslight the shit out of myself and just say someday, someday I'll take care of me. Someday I'll feel better. But let me tell you, with a whole lot of love and some profanities, someday never fucking comes. It is not going to show up on your doorstep and knock on your door. That was one of my many Wake Up Calls. Burnout is not proof that you are weak. Just like burnout in that moment, was not proof that I was weak. It was proof that I'd been living the I can't lie for way too long. Burnout is real. I'm not trying to skirt that at all. There's a textbook version of it. The World Health Organization says burnout is exhaustion. It's cynicism, it's being less effective at work. Here's the Scottie version. Burnout is when your body is cooked, your nervous system is fried, your spirit is zapped, and you feel invisible, and it shows up like exhaustion. You wake up tired. You go to bed, even more tired. You are counting down the minutes till your precious angels are taking a nap or going to sleep, because it's your only time to somehow get a little bit of a break. It also shows up as disconnection. You're numb. You're going through the motions. Yes, you are organizing the heck out of everybody's life, but you're not actually living it like motherhood is a never ending to do list, and it's a loss of self, your spark, your badass energy, your opinion, your physical well being, your functionality. It's all Mia, and all of it is powered by the I can't lie, I can't rest, I can't stop hustling. I can't feel joy. Nope, it's not the truth. That's burnouts, Bs script, ruining your life, running your life, truly. So let's zoom out for a second, because it's not just you. Almost 70% of working parents say they are burned out, which I translate to mean, look around your kids baseball field. It's basically a group of burned out as shit parents all clapping politely with a coffee in hand, trying not to collapse, trying to suck up whatever energy they have left to give to their kids and cheer them on. A few years ago, over a third of moms were saying, Yeah, my mental health is excellent. Now, barely a quarter of moms can say that, which means 75% of moms are white knuckling their way through the week, which is so mind boggling to me today, when we have so many tools available to us to help create ease in our life. But it comes with mindset, right? And here's the kicker, your body doesn't lie. Stress hormones in burned out parents are literally double what they should be, which explains why, even when you get a full night's sleep, I mean, I I know you're laughing when I say that, even when you get more sleep than usual, you still wake up exhausted. So yeah, the I can't lie isn't just a mindset issue. It's a it's biology. It's a biology hijacker. It gets into your cells, your energy, your relationships, and if you don't call if you don't notice it or call it out, the cost is only going to climb. Now here's some sneaky shit that nobody really talks about. Sometimes burnout pays you back, and that's called secondary gain. Secondary gain is fascinating to me, and it's why all of us, we know we have incredible goals. We want to create the change, but yet we still find excuses. Your exhaustion is keeping you safe from change, because doing it all for everybody, all the time, and showing up. 24/7, like the Energizer buddy, it is giving you it's getting you applause. Wow. I don't know how you do it all. You're amazing. No other mom can do it like you do. Your kids are so lucky. I could never do what you're doing. We can always count on you. You are unbelievable, so staying too busy keeps you from facing the truth that you're unfulfilled, which is what, when I was standing at the sink that night, I was not mad at having three kids. I was not upset that my husband was on the road. I was not upset about the spaghetti sauce or the dishes or, you know, feeling a little disconnected, but I hadn't really realized that I Scotty was unfulfilled, and that the I can't lie is keeping you safe and it's keeping you stuck. But let me drop this mic. Burnout isn't proof of how strong you are. It's proof of how long you've ignored yourself, because it doesn't matter how many compliments you get, how many text messages you get, what grades your kids get if they score the soccer goal, if they get into the college it doesn't matter how many of those things happen outside of you, externally, nothing, nothing will ever fill your lack, that unfulfilled, that disconnection, the numbness, accept you. Awareness is step one. But here's how you can actually break the I can't lie, in an easy way that can fit into your beautiful life, even if you are working out of the house. Mom, working from home. Mom, stay at home. Mom, single. Mom, divorced, mom, married, mom, all of it, all of these things can happen. Number one, micro pause, put your right hand on your heart. I want you to take three deep breaths in through your nose, exhale through your mouth, and do this before you drink your coffee and before you pick up your phone. That is literally you telling your nervous system we're safe. Number two, I want you to just try and say one brave no today. Say no to one thing that you are dreading, one draining thing this week. That is you cracking the I can't lie in half. Number three, flip the script. When you catch yourself thinking, I can't try this. I can't afford not to. That flips the power right back to you, and number four, ask for help. Burnout thrives in isolation. Thriving starts the second you raise your hand. Therapy, coaching community, going outside into nature and hugging a tree. These aren't random tips. These are jailbreak moves to get you out of the I can't lie, and I can tell you that from my own proof, I do these. My clients do these, and they work.

Scottie Durrett  9:54  
Hear me on this. You don't need a new family, you don't need a new job. You don't need September to end. You don't need to lose 10 pounds. You don't need to finally make enough money to hire a nanny, but do that if you want you don't need a new body to heal burnout. You need to call BS on the I can't lie, because when you do everything shifts. Your kids feel it, your partner feels it, you will feel it the I can't lie. Wants you to stay numb, but your soul, she's screaming at you, please, please wake up. I'm sending you so many signals to ask you to wake up. So here's your September reset. Please stop white knuckling. Stop waiting for some day and start breaking the I can't lie today. If you want support with this, check the show notes for how you can book a clarity reading with me, or get into my burnout to badass coaching. Burnout is optional. Thriving is available. And Mama, you fucking deserve it.