Why Healing Yourself Helps Your Whole Family with Melissa Armstrong

Scottie Durrett  0:01  
Hey, my beautiful mama, and welcome back to momplex. I am so helpful that you so happy that you are here. You know that this is the space where we do not do surface level at all. We get really real about what it means to live and love and heal as a mom in this world, because we know the better we take care of ourselves, the better we can take care of our kids. And today's guest, Melissa Armstrong is a walking example of resilience and transformation, from surviving childhood trauma a school shooting and the heartbreaking loss of her brother to reclaiming her health and her purpose. Melissa has really turned pain into power, and so if you've ever wondered if it's too late to heal, or if it's just not possible for you, or if you feel like your body's holding on to just something different, more than just regular stress, then this conversation is for you, and I'm so happy you're here. So Melissa, welcome to the podcast. I'd love for you just to introduce yourself to everybody.

Melissa Armstrong  0:59  
Yeah, thanks for having me, Scottie, I'm really honored to be here. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, that's, that's, that's the gist of it. I, I am a nurse by trade. I've been a nurse 15 years, and I went into nursing after a tragic and traumatic childhood and young adult life. My parents were addicted, addicted to drugs and abusive, and my dad left when he when I was six, and he never came back. When I was 15. There was a shooting at my high school. I was friends with the shooter. It was obviously, like, very traumatic, extremely, you know, chaos and like, nothing you ever want to live through. Yeah, and right when I was kind of, like feeling like I was maybe recovering from the complex post traumatic stress that I was diagnosed with after that happened, and, you know, coming out of feeling suicidal for years after, you know, just from the guilt of all of that, my brother was killed in front of me, and I, that was when I was 18, and I spent the next many years of my life just walking around kind of In a haze, sure, numbing myself with drugs, alcohol, isolation, food, anything that I could to not feel the pain, and simultaneously had this weird, like, ability to kind of compartmentalize that pain, and decided I wanted to become a nurse. So really, like, focus on that path. And got into nursing when I was 24 and found some way to calm my my mind and my body through meditation. And then that kind of opened up a whole new door to me, understanding, like the true mind body connection that I didn't I didn't get that in my nursing education. I wasn't living that in, like, real life nursing, like clinical practice, okay, yeah, and kind of the rest is history.

Scottie Durrett  3:10  
That's a lot of scar tissue, you know? I mean, one of those things is, is a lot, and you know this, like you repeatedly kept taking these these punches in in areas of life that you had no control over, right? But you were directly impacted. And I think that's something that happens a lot to us, moms, because and women. I think, you know, I think growing up in the house, you have a brother, I had brothers, there's something about even just the way people naturally expect girls and women to be, we become sponges, right? We start to become the carriers of other people's pain. And you know, while I am really so intrigued by the fact that you have literally turned pain into purpose, not everybody has such a clear pull towards that. So when you were in this place where you're, you know, you had just lost your brother, you had gone through this incredibly traumatic experience in the high school. I mean, that's such, those are such formative years, right? It's our prefrontal cortex isn't even formed yet, like we're still living on emotional direction, you know, and you're, you're watching yourself, you know, you're numbing with, you're numbing with a lot of different coping mechanisms, which is completely understandable. That's a normal human experience. But what was the moment when you decided I need to get I need to pick myself back up here, and I'm going to go into nursing because that's such a leap from where you were to how you chose to do that? Can you share, like, what were some of the conversations in your head that helped you kind of wake up and make a decision to completely shift and pivot in, you know, totally out of your comfort zone? I'd love to hear that story.

Melissa Armstrong  4:55  
Yeah, well, I think I was always born to be a healer. Okay, like, I. I kind of always knew I used to. I remember when I was really young saying I was going to be a pediatrician. I always, as a young girl, I loved, like, babies. And I remember being like, 910 and like, one of our neighbors had a baby, and I was like, obsessed with the baby. I used to go help the mom with the baby all the time. You know, so and I loved so I loved kids. I loved being around kids. I have a younger sister who has Down syndrome, so she was always very dependent, and, like, I helped with her a lot, and so I think I was just kind of always born to be a healer. And when my brother died, I was 18, and it was about two weeks after he died, and and I remember vividly the the moment that it just dropped into my head. I was sitting on the couch across from my mom, like, in an absolute, like zombie state, right? We weren't sleeping, we weren't eating. We were just like numb and like confused and still trying to process everything, and we were just sitting there in silence, and then all of a sudden it dawned on me. I was like, oh, I want to be a nurse. I was like, Duh. Like, doctors, like, do I want to be a pediatrician? No. Like, nurses are so much better.

Scottie Durrett  6:16  
Yeah, they really are the ones running the show.

Melissa Armstrong  6:19  
And then, and like, just like when I because I was sitting there, I think reflecting on the experience that we had with with Justin in the hospital, and the nurses were just literal angels on earth, like literal angels on earth, like they would bring us. We were, he was in the in the ICU for almost 48 hours, and he was declared brain dead, so we had to donate his organs. But that's not a fast process. Okay? We were kind of like, you know, in limbo while they're like, you know, trying to place the organs. And I never left his bedside, not once, like I would go pee and then come right back to his bedside, you know. And they would bring us, like, little, you know, trays of like cranberry juice, like in their Little Dixie cups, and like graham crackers. And like, I remember the nurses being like, Honey, you should eat like they were taking care of me, and while they were taking care of my brother and I was confused about what happened. And, like, I don't know how much you want me to get into the specifics of it, but like, when, when somebody's brain dead, like, sometimes their body still moves, and that's so confusing, very confusing. Yeah, didn't understand. So they were explaining, you know, how he could be alive and and, like, connected to a ventilator, obviously not breathing on his own, but and moving, but, like, also, like, brain dead, like there was no activity and he couldn't he was never gonna survive, like, if they would have taken the breathing tube out, that was it, you know, yeah, yeah. And they were so compassionate, and so angels on earth, yeah. So I was just sitting there reflecting on that, and and all of a sudden it just dropped into my head, and I was like, I want to be a nurse. I want to help people like that, like I want to help people at the worst time in their life. And I thought I would do that forever. I really did. I started, I pursued that path, and I was like, Okay, I always knew I was going to do pediatrics. So I ended up doing pediatric ICU for eight years. And you know, after, in hindsight, I now know that's probably wasn't the best move for me, like, given my own nervous system and the trauma that I had been through, that was traumatizing in it, in of itself, you know,

Scottie Durrett  8:51  
sure, sure, yeah, it will. You've become an angel on Earth, literally, right? And now you're able to be there. And it's that knowledge, that experience. Nobody wants that, those experiences to become their that reality. But now you could look somebody in the eyes and say, I understand, and you can say things to them, and the energy is so pure and authentic, I think, which somebody can feel right. And I think that happens a lot. You know, we're talking about momplex. I think it happens so powerfully conversations between moms and moms, right? Because nobody really understands what it feels like to have your heart on the outside of your body, right as you're raising somebody that you really have only a marginal amount of control over for a very short amount of time. So the fact that you were able to, you know, really shift that into a place of giving is incredibly powerful. Because I don't, not everybody is put on this earth to be a healer, right? I think that we have different spots that we fall into, and some people follow the calling, and they follow the urges, and they see the direction. And I think that's really powerful when it becomes that clear. Her, because you're able to heal yourself, but also give so much healing and certainty to people. And I think nowadays in situations like that, that's where someone feels so uncertain, so hopeless, so confused and wondering, is this it? Am I ever going to feel anything but pain ever again? And so I just it's you're incredibly strong, and I think it's really, really powerful what you're doing. So you've, you were working in the pediatric ICU, and you did, you were a nurse, you said, for 15 years, and then now talk to us about how you've shifted, and how you're continuing healing and showing up for today.

Melissa Armstrong  10:37  
Yeah, sure. Yeah. So I realized, like early in my career, like working in the ICU, that in in more ways than one, I as a patient, I was, I was experiencing a lot of you know, all the trauma that I had was like manifesting into physical symptoms in my body. So I was also a patient in that system, and I didn't feel like I was actually getting the care that I needed. But I didn't know anything different. When I was in my early to mid 20s, I was on seven different prescription medications. I was told I was going to be on them forever, like you, you are anxious, like I you are depressed. You have PTSD, like, they put these labels and diagnoses on me, and then professionally, I always felt like there was something more. You know, like it just, it never felt like, in the ICU, it's, it's one thing, because you're dealing with, like, acute illness, right? But like, it always felt like there was something more. And when I discovered I discovered meditation when I was 24 Oh, like I said, when I started meditating, like for the first time in my whole entire life, I felt calm in my body and in my mind, and that opened up, kind of like a doorway for me, where I suddenly, like, was like, oh, there's kind of like this whole other realm of healing, you know, like natural healing, and like the nervous system, like, Oh my gosh. Like, how powerful is the nervous system? And so when I left the ICU, I was always kind of trying to find, like, the right fit I moved, you know, I went into, like, just inpatient pediatrics, so doing more, like lower acuity, you know, you know, arm fractures, like fever, you know, vomiting, like for multiple days, so They were in the hospital, but not in the ICU. Okay. Still didn't feel right. Ended up going into outpatient I did like cardiology, dermatology, primary care, nothing ever like, felt like it was the right fit. And I thought, I remember getting into primary care and being like, this, is it like? This is I can actually teach people and help them advocate for themselves and, like, teach them about their nervous system and stress management and nutrition and all of these things. And then I quickly realized, like, there's no time for that in that system. And yeah, that was like, 2019, and then I was like, I this. This doesn't align with what I feel like I need to be doing. I want to help people actually be well, I don't believe in the chemical carousel. I just don't, yeah, I strongly and firmly, like, am pro ICUs ors, ers and penicillin when you need it. But I don't think that that system is designed to actually help people be well. I think it's great for acute illness, but for long term health, it just doesn't exist in that model

Scottie Durrett  13:52  
and and I love what you're talking because, I mean, when you were saying things like, you are anxious, right? Like that was you were being labeled, and that identity was being placed on you. And when we are fed medications, I understand the importance of some supplements in education, even to kickstart right. My daughter has ADHD, and I couldn't even begin to teach her executive functioning until I got her on a focus medicine, right, but the goal was to eventually get her off the focus medicine and get below the hood to understand so she could understand her body, her own system, so that she could create her own I love the way you said it a system to help people feel relief so they're not dependent. And I think that happens a lot with motherhood, right? Like we become labeled, you're the mom, you're the caregiver, you are the doormat you are. You know your desires don't matter. And so then that disconnection from the mind and body happens immediately, right? Because our own worth then gets tied up into how our kids are doing, how our house is being run, right? And I love how you're coming in and you're helping them. You. Really take those labels off, right? The identity is us, right? And that that in order for us to be our best, there's a real nuanced approach to that. It isn't a one size fits all. So and I you know, and I think it's incredible that you have continued, and I love this example that you're setting forth, because you're continuing to research and educate yourself and try new things to help get to the bottom of it. And I think it's easy for for people to stay okay. I guess this is where I am. I'm just here with anxiety, and I guess this is how life is supposed to feel. And now I you know, they don't even search forward, but they need someone to go first. And I really appreciate you going first and kind of battling through that and showing what's possible. You know, you talk about trauma showing up as physical symptoms in the body, which I think is a big new way people are talking. It's now becoming so common, right? On social media, you hear people talk about nervous system, nervous system regulation, but what really are those signs that someone might be experiencing that is evident of unresolved trauma and so or, you know, and it doesn't even matter what level, because everybody's trauma is personal, right? But what are some of those physical signs that could be showing up in her body? Yeah.

Melissa Armstrong  16:22  
So this is such a big question. I this is, this is, I love to talk about this stuff that. So I think in order to answer that, it's important to understand, like, what trauma is and what the nervous system is and it's and it's job in the body. So trauma is not the event, it's what happens inside of you as a result of the event. So anything that's highly emotional, if you're navigating that in what feels like aloneness. So if you are don't have supportive parents, if you don't have supportive people around you, and you feel like you're navigating something that's highly emotional, and that could be getting fired from a job, that could be a natural disaster, that could be, you know, all these different things they in trauma world. They talk about, like, big T, little T. I hate that differentiation, like, with a passion, because I feel like it glorifies some people's, you know, trauma, while invalidating others other people's. And people hear my story a lot and say like, Well, my story is not as bad as yours, and it's like, no, no, nobody's as bad or worse or more or better or anything. It's It just is. It's your own personal experience, because it's not the event, it's what happens inside of you as a result of the event. First of all, Second. Second thing to understand is the nervous system, the nervous system's body, quite literally, or the nervous system's job in your body, quite literally, is to keep you alive. That's, that's, that's it possibility of the nervous system. It is your internal surveillance system. It is constantly scanning the environment, making sure that you are safe okay. And when you have trauma you develop, you get your nervous system kind of goes into this trauma response where you might actually sense that there's danger when there's not actually danger, but your nervous system is responding as if there is danger. For instance, if you're if you're, you know were abused as a kid, and then suddenly you have a boss who has looks the same as your, as your abuser, or maybe stands in a or does a gesture or just reminds you, maybe not even consciously, just reminds you of that abuser. Then suddenly you have this physical response, because your nervous system senses that danger. And then suddenly your when your nervous system is is triggered, you go into fight or flight. Most people know what that is that your sympathetic nervous system, you have a physiological response that happens inside of your body. So you have a increased cortisol, increased adrenaline, all kinds of physical responses your blood flow shunts away from your limbs and into your core, so you can fight, flight or run or fight or flight. Right? Fight or run? Yeah. So when you have that trauma and you don't deal with that emotion, which is energy in motion, that energy stays inside of your body and then perpetuates these trauma responses in situations where you're not actually in danger, and over time, an increase in cortisol and adrenaline and all kinds. It causes massive inflammation in your body, on a on a systemic level, throughout your body. And so every person is different, but it can show it can manifest in like physical symptoms, like gut issues or skin issues. Shoes or joint pain or migraines. It can also be a lot of like mental emotional symptoms, like brain fog, anxiety, panic, insomnia, like so basically, like anything,

Scottie Durrett  20:14  
mom, life, mom life

Melissa Armstrong  20:16  
that you have can actually be like attributed to it doesn't mean that you necessarily have nervous system dysregulation, but what you want is to be able to when you have we want our nervous system to function appropriately. So if there is a tiger in the room, you want increased cortisol and adrenaline, right? Because you either need to fight the tiger or run away from it so you stay alive. But what you don't want is for your nervous system to be firing when you're reading emails or when you're driving in traffic or when you're face to face with your boss, right? So if you you have to teach your nervous system to be able to go in and out of your sympathetic, which is your fight or flight, or your parasympathetic, which is your rest, digest and heal, go in and out of those states appropriately and easily. That's nervous system regulation. And when you feel really regulated in your nervous system, you feel emotionally regulated, your inflammation goes down in your body, your symptoms go away.

Scottie Durrett  21:27  
Yeah, that's my answer to the question. But I love it. I'm here for this all day long. I think it's so I like you. I The power of the mind body connection. I am so glad that we're starting to talk about it more, right? Because, for I'm a child of the 70s, we're supposed to be seen and not heard, right? So, and I'm from the south, so very polite. Shove those feelings down. You know, it was embarrassing to cry. You shouldn't talk back or voice your opinions, right? So there's a lot of silencing and separating, right? Because, like you said, to be kept safe. You're like, I can't disrupt. I don't want to be a burden. I can't disrupt the house. I want to be the good kid, right? So that meant quieting ourselves. And I think that's something that's changing with our generation. We're trying to break some of these generational habits, and, you know, these ties where it's it, all of our feelings matter. They're trying to do a job, right? And that the importance of understanding that, you know, our body is our best friend. It has our back. It wants the best for us, right? Keeping us safe from a tiger, wanting to teach us how to, you know, regulate our systems. It's not our bodies weren't naturally thinking they were going to get Zoloft and ozempic handed to them, right? So you know, and there's nothing wrong if that helps somebody kickstart but ultimately, what is the long term sustainable way for us to live our life, feeling our best, and it is understanding our unique, nuanced, beautiful bodies. And I really appreciate how you explained big T, little T. I've never talked about trauma in that way, because I also everybody's digestion of the world is unique to them. We have no idea what somebody went through in their life, right? So we have to be so respectful that, you know, somebody slamming on their brakes in front of me, and might not trigger me, but it could really trigger my best friend, right? And it's and I think that's important for us to respect. But you know, for nowadays, we're very busy. Life is coming at us very, very quickly. And unfortunately, I think moms in general are becoming very used to walking around with headaches rock, walking around in a brain fog, walking around with gut issues, skipping meals, not sleeping. You know they're being woken up repeatedly. So this story starts to form. This is mom life. This is temporary. This is happening to everybody. Why should I feel good if every mom out there is tired and has brain fog? So how can what are some of the like? What are some signs that could give a mom, you know, if the headache has been there for a certain amount of time? Oh, sorry if I froze, I don't know why my I have an editor, so we'll take this all out.

Melissa Armstrong  24:11  
But if I freeze, I missed, I didn't hear any of what you just said. Oh, what was the last thing I said? I heard you say, like, moms are used to, oh, walking around with a headache, and then it was like, Yeah, jumping, okay,

Scottie Durrett  24:25  
okay, so a lot of the symptoms you shared, right that could be a result of high cortisol and living in a sympathetic nervous state. You were talking about brain fog and headaches and insomnia, gut issues. A lot of moms could say that. Well, that's mom life. So, you know, I'll just it's temporary. I'll deal with it later. Every mom is tired. I go to get a coffee, and every mom's talking about how tired, and it's kind of funny, oh my gosh, I didn't know where I put my keys this morning. Oh my gosh, you. Know, I didn't sleep for four days. I haven't showered for five days. It starts to become a no, I'm more tired. No, I'm more this so, but I, what I want us to start doing is taking those symptoms more seriously. What is there? You know, yes, the occasional headache happens, right? Maybe you're dehydrated, but when is it more of a chronic issue, where it might be connected to something bigger or maybe more significant?

Melissa Armstrong  25:28  
Ooh, that's a great question. I think that if it's causing you to question that, I think, you know, I think if it's causing you distress and you're like, What is going on in the back of your mind. You're like, what is going on? Is this really mom life, or is this something more? It's probably something more. Because, and like, to your point, like we are so we live in this technological revolution, like, it's a very strange time to be alive, right where we can, we have all this technology at our fingertips. But I think also, like it's done something to us as a society, where it's made our nervous systems so much more easily able to just stay in that sympathetic because we are so stimulated all the time we are we. It's we are complete. Our mind and body are completely disconnected. Most people just moms, especially because we're we talk. I've talked a lot about like the the mental load of being like we are, what you're speaking to is like we're trying to be the caregivers. We're carrying everything for everyone else, right? And then on top of that, we have this phone that doesn't stop buzzing. It's with us all the time. It's always on. We have the world at our fingertips. We're connected to everybody more than ever. We're also disconnected more than ever, and and as a result of that stimulation, we're more disconnected from ourselves, so we spend all of our time in our mind, and we don't actually address the connection between the mind and the body. I think if you spend a second to like, close your eyes and ask yourself, like, is this headache? Like, oh, gosh, I've had like, multiple headaches this month. Like, yeah. I think most people like that have that gut feeling, yeah. Like, something else is something deeper, bigger is going on that voice, right? Like, how to trust that? How to listen to that and trust that. Because we're so in our head.

Scottie Durrett  27:42  
You were so in our head when you you talked about meditation being an incredibly important gateway for you, and it cracked open a lot of stuff for you. You know, how did you begin meditation? I know that a lot of because we're so busy, we're so overstimulated, it's hard for people to actually sit and do nothing else, the idea that totally, you know, you can actually sit and you don't have to fold laundry or answer emails or check your phone at the same time, 25 meditating at 25 that's pretty amazing, because, you know, 25 years, I couldn't, I don't know what I was doing at 25 How did you begin that practice, and what was the most impactful part of meditation for you?

Melissa Armstrong  28:22  
Yeah, So meditation is extremely difficult. I've been meditating almost daily for, like, almost going on 20 years, right? Like, and it's still difficult. It's not actually the first thing that I recommend for okay, because living in this technological revolution, like most people don't know even what it means to just sit and do nothing, and then we have these narratives going. It's like, oh, look, if I sit like, then I'm lazy, and then I'm not getting enough done, and then the house is a mess, and then people are going to judge me, or whatever, or I'm going to judge myself or, you know, but for me, meditation gave me a taste of just having a quiet mind and feeling like internal peace in my body. And it's it's a practice like anything else, like, at first it's uncomfortable, and at first it's like, am I even doing this right? Yes, you're doing it right. You can't do it wrong. It's very it's very difficult, and it takes discipline, and it takes a desire to learn a new skill, just like calligraphy or baseball or, you know, like it's gonna take practice, and you have to what I recommend as like a first step, okay, diving into like, 20 minute meditation or something as a first step. What I want everybody listening to do right now is set an alarm on your phone, because Don't lie to me, you have that phone with you 20. Or seven, set an alarm on your phone, 912, and four or whatever, eight, one and three, like three times a day, morning, noon and night, and put an alarm on your phone and tie and just label it breathe. And every time that alarm goes off, you're going to make a commitment to yourself when you're doing this. Every time that alarm goes off, it doesn't matter what you're doing. If you are in the middle of something, you are going to stop what you're doing, and you are going to close your eyes, if it's safe, if you're driving, don't close your eyes, but close your eyes and put your hand over your heart and just breathe a deep belly breath, bringing your diaphragm down for 30 seconds. Love it, that's it for three times a day. Do that for a week and then message me how your life is transformed.

Scottie Durrett  30:57  
Love it that we're gonna, we're gonna actually draft that up and remind them in the show notes, I think the power of breath first step. Thank you, because I do know that a lot of moms are like, great. I would love to have less brain fog and feel better. I just I'm so tired I don't even know where to start. And the idea of sitting down to meditate can be very overwhelming, but I do think that sitting in your car for 30 seconds breathing, that is meditation, right? It doesn't have to look like what you see on the, you know, the gurus of meditation. And I think a lot of it even just goes back to, you know, moms get so overwhelmed by the idea of working out. I think movement is a form of meditation. And, you know, for a long time, I held myself to these rules that if I was going to work out, it had to look and feel like it did when I was 22 and so if I couldn't pull off that workout, I just didn't do it. And I just was saying, well, I'll just wait till I have more time. I'll wait till I have more energy. So then I got in the habit of not taking care of myself. Now I've reframed what movement could look and feel like no matter where I am, even if it's 10 walk around the block, even if it's just do squats, 10 squats after I go pee or whatever, right? It's just that remembering, and I think the breathing, this is such a great way that's this is a beautiful first step of just reconnecting to yourself, and it turns off, fight or flight, those deep breaths I now my kids crack up. I take these huge breaths. Five years ago, it would have sounded like I was annoyed, because it was such a sigh, you know, like, oh, but now they know, oh, that's mom. She's breathing, and it is. It feels so good. It feels so good when you take that breath. I love that the three alarms we're going to put that in the show notes it, you know? So she's got that first step for breathing, you know, you've helped so you've helped yourself. You've helped so many women, so many humans. What are some other practices, if she's already breathing, what are some other practices that she could do to just start slowly trying to regulate her nervous system in her everyday life.

Melissa Armstrong  33:04  
Another like pretty introductory technique that I love is EFT tapping, or emotional freedom technique tapping that it's based in eastern Chinese philosophy that your body is all energy. We know that, like we look at our body underneath a microscope, and you can see all the cells are moving at all times, right? So we have all, we have all of this energy in our body. That's why I say emotion is emotion energy emotion, because that's truly what it is. Emotion is energy. And if you have it all in your body, and you're stuffing it down and not actually processing it, it doesn't, we know from physics, like it doesn't just disappear. It has to go somewhere, and we store it. The body always keeps the score. So it's always it's just stored inside of us. EFT is, is the philosophy is that if you tap on these meridian points in your body can actually help the energy flow more easily and get out of those stuck areas, and that's a great way to I think that's like a first step before meditation, because it actually you're using your hands to tap on the certain points on your body, and it actually gives you something to think about and do, rather than just, like, sitting in meditation and, yeah, quiet and, you know, yeah. But there's other there's like breath, there's like, breath work, tech techniques. There's the butterfly. Like, love the butterfly, like EMDR and tapping, kind of, there's so many different tools. Those are all like, really easy intro, basic, you know, implement, but it's still going to be a choice. Yeah, it still has to be a choice. Have to choose something different.

Scottie Durrett  34:55  
Yeah. I really appreciate your wisdom and the. Way you're explaining, because it makes it feel very doable, and not that she has to wait till her kids are out of the house, or she needs to wait for circumstances to change, you know, the breathing and the tapping, she can do that, you know right now. And there's do

Melissa Armstrong  35:16  
it with your kids. That is a with my kids. I have taught my kids how to tap. I have two boys. They're five and nine, and they tap on their own now. Or they ask me, how, if I can go and walk them through a tapping meditation, because, like my nine year old, he'll be like, Mom, I feel overstimulated. Can we go tap? And I'm like, 100% like, let's turn down the noise. Let's turn on some relaxing music, like decrease, you know, move, decrease the movement in our body, and start tapping so we can actually, like, re, regulate our nervous system. And that is an incredible, like gift to give them, to teach them. I mean, I firmly believe you said at the beginning, like, the best thing you can do for your for your kids and everybody around you, is take care of yourself. Hands down, best thing you can do for yourself, it is not selfish. It is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Scottie Durrett  36:12  
They're counting on it. They're counting on us, right? Yeah, teaching your

Melissa Armstrong  36:16  
kids the same techniques that you're learning like it's such a gift.

Scottie Durrett  36:21  
I love that. I mean, think about that. What a great system. And I mean, think about that they could use those modalities when they're walking into an exam, when they're about to go into a new classroom for the first time, when they're moving out on their house. You know of the house to go be on their own? Yeah, you always, you know you want to and make sure that you're instilling your support and love, and while they're you're you have your hands on them, but truthfully, the majority of their life, they're going to be living without you right next to them. So how can you continue to help them, even when you're not in their exact space? Yeah, if we can just shift for a minute, I want to talk a little bit about what has just gone on recently with the Texas floods because they're I just it's very it's not six degrees of separation, right? So as if you're watching the news and you're seeing these moms lose their kids, you can almost put yourself in their shoes, but also the moms themselves. You know, when we go through such a traumatic experience and still life is asking us to keep going. You have other kids, you have a job, you have responsibilities, you know you can't just sit in the corner and meditate for five hours a day. How can someone work through that type of trauma when life is still busy and chaotic and when they when they feel so untrusting of the world and you know, their heart has been ripped out. You know, is this the kind of trauma? Of course, we can start to take care of ourselves. But I know with your experience, I'd love to just hear what you would advise if someone was listening and they're going through this right now,

Melissa Armstrong  37:56  
yeah, well, first of all, I think the the biggest thing to remember is that your, your experience is valid, yeah, and I think your emotions are it's it's data, right? That we're getting information that our, our body and our mind are giving us about what's going on, okay, and sometimes, like, they just want to be, like, seen and validated. Like, isn't it? Isn't that true of like, all of us, like, we just want to be seen and noticed. So, yeah, you can just be like, Oh, hi, grief. Yeah, you are again. Like, I just had, just last week was the 21st anniversary of my brother's death. And it was, it was strangely, like the 20th anniversary. I thought would be harder. This one was actually harder for me than the 20th anniversary. I just thought, like 20 it's like, kind of like a milestone, you know. And I remember I felt fine until, like, the night, that night, like, all of a sudden, at 6pm I'm like, overcome with grief. I'm like, just about to start dinner, and I just start crying. And I'm like, Oh, wow. Like, grief like this just came out of nowhere. Wasn't expecting this. My husband had just gotten home, and I was like, Babe, I need you to take over dinner, because I need to go. I need a few minutes for myself, and so I just went and took a few minutes and sat there, literally, like, with my hand over my heart, and I just sat there and acted as if I was talking to like my best friend, okay, you know, but I'm talking to myself, and I just validated my experience. I'm like, it's totally it like, makes perfect sense that you're feeling grief right now, like you're remembering all of these things, and this is a really sad memory, you know, and you missed him, so it makes sense that you're sad, and it's okay for you to feel sad. Yeah, just remember, like, emotions are like waves, they're going to come and they're going to go. And, like, some days the waves might be more intense. The surf might be up higher, you know, might be a little bit more to the surface. Things are more to the surface when you're, like, not sleeping well, so Okay, focusing on physically, taking care of your acute needs, sleep, water, food, yeah, I'm sure you're eating, sleeping and drinking water, okay, and then validating your own experience. Like people fall short all the time. You know, I was just talking to a client of mine yesterday about this exact thing. She just experienced a miscarriage, and her mom and her sister are really not showing up for her the way she wants. Sorry, and I was talking her through like, people fall short like and a lot of times like, people don't know how to deal with our grief makes them uncomfortable, and we were never taught right how to handle emotions, and how to talk to people about their emotions, let alone our own. Yeah, yeah. So how, how can you give yourself the validation that you feel like you need? Because it's a practice again, just like, yeah, and I think, but like, and it might feel weird at first, but like, lean in and just say, like, I see you. I love you. I'm here for you. What do you need right now? What can I do for you? Yeah, maybe it's go for a 10 minute walk in the sunshine, listening to the birds, like, no phone just going and maybe it's laying in bed and letting yourself cry for an hour or five or all day, yeah, and not judging yourself, like, Oh, you shouldn't feel this way, like you have so much to do, you better get up. Like, emotions are like, waves, like, tomorrow's gonna Tomorrow's a different day. It's a brand new day. You know? Yeah, think, I think that's the key.

Scottie Durrett  42:02  
I love that, and I appreciate you even sharing that. It's, you know, the grief and the loss, it's always with us, right? And it's just honoring that, because, in a beautiful way, it also helps you remember your brother. It'll help us remember the people that mattered so much to us, right? They're never forgotten, and

Melissa Armstrong  42:19  
relationship just changes with it like it never goes, okay, yeah, relationship with the grief just changes,

Scottie Durrett  42:26  
yeah, but using your body as an amazing source of guidance, right? Right? It's when you're overwhelmed by those feelings that you've never felt before, right? We don't, you said, we don't have practice with emotions such as grief into or loss, a traumatic loss, until you're actually going through it, right, you know? And I think that's and then it's with you, right? And it's, it's, it can be, it can become your constant companion. But I love how you're just sharing that. I think a lot of times we look outside of ourselves in order to make uncomfortable feelings go away. But truthfully, one of the best ways to take care of ourselves is to tune in, right? I love that conversation like, how are you today? What do you need me to know today? How can I be there for you today? I do this a lot of times. You know, standing in the kitchen, when I can feel stuff rising, I can feel the spiciness starting to build up. Or like my my stomach gets butterflies. I can start to feel those. I recognize my body's triggers. And there's something so powerful about putting your hands on your own body. It is like the butterfly hug, and just like the tapping, like there is so much comfort, not only subconsciously, because you're thinking, I have you and you're important to me. But there's the kinetic support too. It's almost like, look, I'm putting my hands on you because you don't have to carry this alone. Yeah. I also go talk to nature a lot. I'm, you know, I love talking to trees and plants, and I'll go outside and sit on the ground and I say, help me hold this, you know? And there's something really powerful feeling supported by something that is greater than you, right? Especially when you're feeling so lonely and so alone and you have to go back in and finish the lasagna, right? You've been amazing. And I could talk to you for hours, just a couple more questions, and I'll let you go on your way. But what do you what is something that and saying it with love, but I think sometimes we need to not sugarcoat things. But what do you find that most women get wrong about their healing?

Melissa Armstrong  44:31  
Ooh, yeah, your thoughts create your your reality. Okay, yeah, yeah. So I always like one of the big things that I teach on is that the your thoughts create your reality, so your the trauma that you went through like it wasn't your fault, but what you do with it now is your choice. Okay? So if you use that as a way, as a badge of honor, if you use it as a way to keep your. Self stuck. You're you're, it's a disservice to yourself, and we, I use Brooke most coaches. And you know Jay Shetty talks about it all the time. But like Brooke Castillo, is the original, like developer of this, of the model, which is your circumstances drive your thoughts, drive your feelings, drive your actions, drive your results. Most people think that we need to change our life at the level of either our circumstances, if I just had a different job, if I just had a better, more supportive spouse, if I just, you know, lost 50 pounds, if I just whatever, put, insert whatever your thing is, or at the level of action, like, if I so I should just move, I'm going to move, or I'm going to get a different job, or I'm going to calorie count and restrict until I lose the weight. And sometimes we can willpower our way there. But like, if you create something from force and restriction, that's what you have to do to maintain it. So if you create something from alignment and flow, that's what you need to do to maintain it. So most well said, think that you have to change your life, either the circumstances or the actions. But really where the where the transformation happens is your thoughts and feelings. So the circumstance is my brother died. I can think about that. My life is so hard. I This shouldn't have happened. This is unfair, that feeling, that drive that comes from that is like a feeling of disempowerment, of grief, despair, hopelessness, the action that comes from that is or action, reaction or inaction, probably in that circumstance, a lot of inaction, right? Like, I'm not going to go for my dreams. I'm not going to use my pain for purpose. I'm not going to do anything, socialize, have friends, anything, right? My result is, I'm stuck. I'm miserable. I'm, you know, whatever. Back up to the beginning circumstance, my brother died. My thought about that, my thought now is, I know that my brother's death was the catalyst that put me on the path to live out my life's calling, and I don't think I would be in the same spot if that had not happened, and I still miss him, and those two things are true at The same time. Yeah, yeah, my feeling from that is one of empowerment and motivation and

Scottie Durrett  47:48  
purpose and purpose, right? Yeah, one foot in front of the other, and I love so beautifully said. Thank you so much, and I love that just reminder that both can be true, we can find purpose, have pride, have hope, have love, have joy, and still miss the person that we lost. I think about this all the time in you know, rudimentary terms, we have enough love in our heart to love ourselves and our children. Loving ourselves doesn't cancel out our feelings and our time and our energy for our kids, right? They actually, it's a relationship, right that's helping us, you know, put one foot in front of the other today, right, to live our life, to our love. There's, yeah, there's no limit. I love that. Well, this has been incredibly helpful. I really appreciate you've done such a beautiful job of explaining these topics that we're hearing. It's very buzzworthy right now, right? And I don't know that people are really digging into it, and a lot of people get their resources from Instagram and Tiktok. No shame, but it's just nice to hear from somebody who has the expertise, the experience, the knowledge and the purpose that's going out. So with that said, a mom who's listening and is experiencing this, but wants more of your support. Where can she find you?

Melissa Armstrong  49:05  
Yeah, my website is holistic health by melissa.com that's also my my

Melissa Armstrong  49:12  
instagram handle my Facebook. Name you can search for me anywhere, my my podcast, holistic health with Melissa, I offer lots of you know, works. I have a three day workshop coming up. I have free master classes, free, you know, nervous system guides, like all kinds of stuff on my Instagram, great website, my podcast is full of, you know, stories of hope and Okay, tangible, practical tools to heal and change your life right now today. Like, what can you do right now in this moment? I love that

Scottie Durrett  49:44  
I'm gonna drop everything in the show notes so you can go find her on all the different platforms and just start digging into your content right like you do have a lot of free resources just to see what's available, and then reach out to Melissa if you want more personalized support which is available. And I think that's. Such an important message. We don't ever have to go through any of this alone. Ever, ever, ever, there's definitely somebody out there. Melissa and myself, not only are we walking the walk with you, but we really want to empower everybody to wake up and make the best choices for themselves. So I love that. Thank you so much for joining us today. Really appreciate it, and we're so happy to know you and thank you so

Melissa Armstrong  50:22  
much. Yeah, you're so welcome. It was my pleasure. Bye.