The Toxic Instagram Mom Lies keeping you STUCK

Scottie Durrett  0:11  
All right, Mom, it's 9:30pm the house is finally quiet. You've made it through the day. The dishwasher is humming. Pretty much most of the stuff is picked off, off the floor. I would say 95% you fucking rock. It's literally 930 you know you're about to pass out in five minutes, but you have, you grab your phone because you have a few minutes, you have a few minutes to yourself, and you're like, you know what? I just want to scroll. I just want to see some golden retrievers just want to hear some pretty music and maybe laugh. And then you're scrolling and you see it that that reel the one with the mom in her messy kitchen. Her hair is in a bun. She's got black exercise pants on that are stained with, who the fuck knows what? She has a wine glass in her hand, making some hilarious joke about how she hasn't peed alone in seven years, and it's to great music, and she's dancing, and you freaking laugh. You laugh your ass off. Because, holy crap, she gets it. I mean, honestly, she gets she has it nailed. Your life nailed so perfectly. You actually wonder, Has she hidden some camera in my kitchen, because I literally did that this week, and for this beautiful, sweet moment, you feel so seen like, Thank goodness it's not just me, thank goodness I'm not the only one who hasn't peed alone in seven years. I'm not the only one who's overwhelmed, exhausted, wearing dirty clothes and just trying to get through life every single day, but then, and maybe it's really quiet, but there is this tiny voice inside of you, and it whispers, wait, I wish I could pee alone. Am I ever going to be able to pee alone again? Because this reel that I'm watching, this reel that I'm laughing at right now is that mean I'm also laughing at my life, and then maybe that whisper gets louder and you think I don't want to just laugh about my life. I don't want to never be able to pee alone again. I want to change that, but I don't know how to do that, and I'm not seeing a solution from this incredible mom that's creating these hilarious reels, this mom with 2 million followers who shows up every single day looking just like you, thinking just like you, feeling just like you, and she's capturing your life in these 60 and 92nd reels like she is. Francis Ford Coppola, I saw one where she was sitting in her car and she basically said, Fuck you. Wellness gurus, take your action steps and your mindset hacks and don't let the door hit you on the way out, because us moms, we don't have the time. And while that was hysterical, and I could relate for a hot second, because you're right, what busy mom has time to go sit in a cross legged position and meditate next to a fountain and do Kundalini chants for an hour? Yeah, we all probably need it. But who has the time? But where's the other option? And I'm about to say something that might sting a little bit, because the reels that you're laughing at, the reels that we're ignoring because we think I could never they're keeping you stuck, literally keeping you stuck. I said it, yeah, sure, they're making you feel seen for 30 seconds, but they're secretly convincing you to settle, to settle for a life you didn't, you couldn't have even imagined, and you don't even want, not saying about the kids I'm saying, but not being able to pee, and today I'm going to burn that lie to the ground. This episode, honestly, is for the mom who loves her kids like freaking crazy, but who also sometimes sits in the driveway for an extra minute because she's just not fully ready to walk into the chaos inside the door, right? Maybe she hides in the pantry and eats goldfish or Cheez Its, which is my fave, late night, just so she can get 30 seconds of peace. This is for the mom who's literally sprinting through her days, the drop offs, the pickups, the snacks, the Zoom calls, the after school calendars, this being of the sandwich generation, the work, the laundry, the emails, trying to give 100% to everybody while feeling like she's constantly failing someone or something. And I do it too. We go to Instagram to escape. Nothing makes me happier than seeing Golden Retrievers doing something hilarious, like rolling around in a puddle of mud and then bringing that inside the house. Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing a dog pull their owner like down a hill because they're running so fast, or seeing a rescue rescue dogs having a full glow up trans. Information and finding the life of their dreams. I freaking love that. I go to Instagram to escape and I watch those, but I always run into those mom funny reels, right? The ones that are like, Girl, I see you. I get it. I know what your night looked like. Last night at 3am that pot came clanging by your head, because your hormones, your circadian rhythm, your your bladder told you it was time to get up. And guess what? This is just mom life. You'll never be able to sleep again. You just have to suffer through it. And if you suffer through it, guess what? You belong to this funny, cool crowd. You belong to us, because we're in this together. And this is how mom life is supposed to look and this is how it's supposed to feel. But if you try to figure out how to make the pain go away and how to pee alone and sleep through the night, you can't be a part of this exclusive club with 2 million followers and this super hilarious Comedian, you're going to be all alone because no mom can feel good. The whole message of these reels is to say, Mom, life sucks, and that's just the price you pay. Or you can flip over to those manifestation you know, I love those things. They feel good, but they're like, this is what you do to manifest the life of your dreams. I'm like, Girl, I don't even know the thoughts in my brain are so busy I'm trying to make sure that my son gets into college, that I lose the 10 pounds of perimenopause weight and that I somehow don't forget to pick up my school, my kid at school, like I did last Wednesday. You think I have time to say 85 affirmations right now to manifest the life of my dreams y'all as I'm literally, if you're watching me on YouTube, you can see this, I am literally having a hot flash as I'm recording this episode. So this is mom life right here, but you don't have to stay here. That's going to be my whole message, which I will get to eventually. Because I know us mamas, we like to go to the gram to laugh at those funny reels, but deep down, and maybe you can't hear it, but deep down, I you are, and I am secretly wondering if we are the only exhausted moms out there, if this is you, keep listening, because what we're about to unpack is the difference this beautiful moment where we realize we don't have to stay stuck in survival mode, in pain, but we also don't have to Be perfect either, either there is a beautiful middle that is all yours, that is waiting, waiting for you to come nestle in there. And it has everything that you've ever wanted. It allows the messy moments, and it allows the breaks. It allows you to pee alone, and it also allows you to not pee alone. It is real life, but you don't have to stay stuck, and you don't have to go to the extreme of being some perfect non human. This matters so much right now because we are smack dab in the season of total chaos, and that's just in our homes, the back to school, the craziness of sports, we're literally ramping up. Me and Halloween is, I'm recording this in September. Maybe this comes out later this fall. But, you know, once you start getting into the holidays, it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's like a domino effect. I mean, we are really in the thick of it, not to mention, it has to be said, the confusion, the overwhelm, the intensity of what's going on in the world around us. We have a lot of pressure. And if you are like me, you're also in this sandwich generation where you're raising kids and taking care of your parents. It's a lot. It is a lot without all that extra stuff. This is a time of year when moms really, really, we disappear into everyone else's needs, the back to school, the schedules, helping our kids with new routines and SATs and exams. I mean, I you know, I don't even have to list it every single time you're like, Girl, I know. I'm living it with you, I know. But this isn't where burnout just happens. It becomes your normal, and this is where we really have to be careful, because those habits really become our lifestyle, the habits of being the doormat, the habits of never having a moment to ourselves, the habits of always saying, I can't take care of me. I don't have time to feel better. This is just what mom life is supposed to look and feel like. In fact, I know because when I grab my phone, I see mom after mom after mom telling me, literally, in these hilarious set to good music dances, that this is what mom life is supposed to look like. And look how many followers she has. Look how many other moms are answering and saying, Me too. Me too. You get it. This is mom life. We're in this together. Oh my gosh. We are the greatest group ever to be alive. But if we don't stop it right here, right now, that survival mode will just keep running the show, and you will never be able to get your energy back. Your joy will completely start to dissipate, and your identity will slowly fade away, and you will truly start to feel so disconnected from your true self. And this is where the frustration becomes a norm, the anger becomes a norm. The. Exhaustion, the chronic stress, the inflammation, the health issues, all of it.

Scottie Durrett  10:05  
This is where we have to have awareness, because I don't want us to stay stuck here. I don't want you to fade away. Your kids. Don't want you to either. Instagram is full of these quote mom life reels with the messy buns and the wine glasses and the jokes about not sleeping and not having time to yourself and never being able to go the gym, and your body changing, your boobs sagging. And it's funny. It's funny as fuck. I laugh too, because I'm like, Yeah, that's literally my life. But the danger is it's normalizing the suffering, and it's desensitizing us from our own body's communications, telling us I'm sending you this headache, I'm waking you up in the middle of the night because I've got you. I need you to pay attention to me. I don't need you to ignore me. But these reels are telling us it's okay. You can ignore it, because this is normal. You don't have to do anything about it. This is what it's supposed to look like. They sell you the story that being miserable, exhausted and at the bottom of your priority list is just part of the gig, and they tell you you'll never rest, you'll never feel good again, you'll never pee alone, you'll always feel like crap. They'll tell you you have to wait or maybe never, but hey, at least we can laugh about it together. And because these women have half a million followers, a million followers, 2 million followers. They influence us. They are mom influencers, and they are shifting a belief system. They are creating a mom identity. They are building a community and a following, and we're thinking, Well, if she's drowning and look how successful she is, I guess that's just how motherhood is. Who am I to question it? Who am I to go against these 2 million followers and all these comments and all these likes, plus she's hysterical and she's entertaining me. So who am I to make her stop? But Mom, this is toxic, toxic as fuck, the other extreme, because if you don't buy into the mom, life is suffering camp Instagram, then swings you to the other extreme. The picture perfect moms that are traveling Italy and homeschooling their kids, and they weigh 17 pounds, and they've manifested the life of their dreams, and their husband looks like a freaking J Crew model. They've got glowing skin, color coded calendars and kids who apparently never melt down and target and always smile for the holiday cards They're over here preaching, just manifest harder, pray more, journal longer, be high vibe all day long. So your choices are miserable, martyr mom who's fucking hysterical or unrealistic perfect mom who literally looks like a magazine. Neither is real life, and neither one is actually helping you, and both leave you feeling like you are failing and you have no options. This is where I come in, because I live here in the messy, beautiful, real middle ground, because you don't have to stay stuck in misery, and you don't have to become some perfect Stepford wife, Cyborg mom with a curated feed, who looks cute even when she's nursing and her car is always clean. There is another way, a way, where you get to be you, the beautiful, shining light that you were brought here on this earth to be. And the reason why you are the mom of your kids, this is where you get to be you, the beautiful human where you get to feel joy, where you don't lose yourself in the process, and where you feel more like yourself than ever before. What most moms don't realize is there's a huge difference between being a busy mom and being a burned out mom. I did a live on this, and it's in my feed on Instagram, and I talk about with my friend Lane, the difference between, like, how can you find the know, the difference between just being busy and being burned out. The biggest indicator would be when you're busy and just regular mom life, it goes away, the stress, the exhaustion, the panic, the pressure, the worry, it eventually goes away. Yes, it's a wild week of football games and back to back baseball games and a big project at work. And yeah, you're stretched really thin, but once it's over, you bounce back. Burnout. This is chronic. It doesn't just go away. It is soul sucking. Exhaustion, no amount of coffee, sleep, date nights, vacations. Fix it. You wake up tired. You go to bed tired. You start snapping at your kids over things you've never snapped at before. You stop recognizing yourself. Clothes feel different, sleep feels different, food tastes different. You don't get lit up or smile the way you used to over certain commercials or your birthday or going to dinner with friends, and you start to believe this fog, this heaviness, is just who you are now the. Is just part of it. This comes with the job. If you're listening and thinking, yeah, shit, that's me, I want you to really let this sink in, feeling like that is not just quote mom life. It's burnout. It's also not a requirement to be the mom you want to be for your kids, regardless what you're being fed and shown on Instagram, these mom influencers have become so impactful from one extreme to the other, they've almost replaced baby books. You know, I had my kids in the 2007 2008 2012 I wasn't really on the gram. Then I wasn't really attached to my phone. Then, if I was, I was texting friends, I was emailing and I was reading baby books, and I was able to kind of take a little bit of what it was and process it and visual. You know, when you're reading a book, you're able to create the own image in your own mind's eye. So even though the words might be somebody else's, the interpretation, the description, the picture is yours, right? Now, when we go to Instagram, we don't get any option for it to become ours. It's just fed to us, right? The music, the words, the copy, the motions, the visual, all of it, it's being created, curated by somebody else and handed to us. And this, people are now list leaning on Tiktok and Instagram to become their new how to how to raise kids, how to make food, how to live life. It's literally erased and taken the place of How To books and baby books, but we are left with no opportunity to make it our own. So then we just believe that this is how it has to be, and that's honestly what really I can go into a whole different tangent. But one of the reasons we are left with burnout is because we become very disconnected. I'll go real quick into this. There are two parts of us, the essential us and the social us. The essential us is who we are. It didn't matter what neighborhood we were raised in, what parents, what country, what city, this is who we are at our essence. This is our personality, what we find joy and who we are before society and other people told us who we had to be. The social self is the part of us that's been programmed. This is how you exist properly in society. This is the one that makes sure that we are polite and get things done and go to school and execute right? I heard an example from Martha Beck. The way she describes it is your essential self is the one that says, I want to be a doctor. The social self is the one that says, Oh, well, I need to go to school and get really good grades and be consistent and do all the work in order to make that dream come true. When we lose our essential self and we let our social self run the show, that's when we are not fully present and when we start to feel bored, disconnected, frustrated, angry, lost and burned out. We love our social self. It's here to keep us safe and to help us create relationships and have great work ethic and build the life of our dreams. But we need our essential self, our pure self, our essence to be involved in that, so that we know why we're doing this and what matters to me and what lights me up, and where's my soul in this. You can also think of this as like soul and body right when we are opening up Instagram and being told this is what it's supposed to be like, you can't question it, because if you do, you won't belong. Your social self is going to say, Oh my gosh. We want to belong. This is how we have to be here, so we can't go against the grain. This is the only way to do it. This is it. But when we quiet our essential self and we ignore it, that's where we get to burn out. That's where we're pushing ourselves and living on all the shoulds, the have to this is the musts versus the desires, the dreams and the lust, right? Didn't mean for that to rhyme. I'm like a poop it. But here's the best news you're going to hear all week. Burnout is not permanent. You always have a choice, even if it's a little tiny, like crumb at first, even it's as if it's as simple as choosing coffee over tea, podcast over silence, scream or walk away, every mic, every single micro choice you make when you are choosing it for yourself, including your essential and your social self together, you are then taking your power back. The most toxic message Instagram sells us is that you don't have a choice that suffering is the only way to be a good mom or the only way for you to have the life of your dreams is for you to be perfect. Hold on. I'm taking a sip of my coffee mixed with protein powder.

Scottie Durrett  19:53  
That's how I multitasking today, because I need a lot of protein because I'm in perimenopause and I'm losing a lot of muscle mass and. I'm working to get more protein in my life, I've been cutting down on coffee and drinking more decaf because it's been better for my cortisol. It's helping me heal through some overstressed adrenals. But when you mix coffee with a flavored protein powder and put that over ice, delish. Okay, back, back to the topic. The most toxic message Instagram sells us is that you don't have a choice, right? I was saying that you either have to choose between one extreme or the other. You have to feel like shit, you have to martyr yourself, or you have to be fucking perfect. I call bullshit. You don't have to feel like crap to prove your love for your kids, and you don't have to be perfect to just to deserve joy. Okay, I know this because I lived it. I have been the mom lying awake at 3am tears in my eyes, guilt eating me alive because I didn't fix my kids a magic plate for dinner, and because I was so worried my kid wasn't going to get into the high school he wanted. And because I felt like I was failing everybody, I've been exhausted. I have felt invisible. I felt like I was drowning. I could barely breathe in a life that I really wanted, a life that I was working so hard to build. And then I learned one day that life was not happening to me. It was happening for me. I learned that I could design my day. I could design what I wanted motherhood to look what I wanted motherhood to feel like. And I did this by starting with one little choice at a time. And when I started doing that, I started clogging, plugging up my energy leaks, I started hearing my own voice again. I started feeling less influenced by what I was seeing online, and I started to check in with myself before I was checking my phone. And my energy came back. My joy came back. I came back. I came back full my essential self and my social self here both together, running the show, and this is why I do what I do. I'm not I could make some memes right now on Instagram that make you laugh for five seconds. I could do all the trends, and I would probably blow up my followers and get a ton of likes and shares, right? But I'm not doing this for that when I create a reel, when I create a post, I'm actually trying to help. My goal is that when you open up my account from the start of the post to the end of the post, you feel better. From the start of the reel to the end of the reel, you feel like you have a different perspective, you have a mindset shift, you have a different thought, you have a different possibility. I'm trying to give you hope. I'm trying to give you agency over your whole life. I'm trying to give you another option. I'm trying to show you that you can create that middle spot, that beautiful middle where you're supposed to nestle and create the life of your dreams, not to make a meme that just makes fun of us and then has you scroll on because then where are you left? Nowhere better than you were before you open the app. And I don't want to hand you a color coded schedule to say, Hey, this is the only way that you're going to be happy is if you do this look like this. No, this is not about following a road map. This is about you learning to bring both parts of you into this game so that you can hear your own voice and start trusting that you know what's best for you, and listening to your body, listening to your suffering, listening to your pain, leaning into your joy, because that's how you reclaim your energy, your power, your clarity, and you get to build life on your terms. All the shoulds, all the pressures, all the the messages that's what's stopping us from living the life that we want to on our terms. I mean, think back to a point in your life where you felt like I was doing what I wanted to do. I felt so supported, I felt excited, I felt joyful, I felt like I was in my skin, and I felt good about that.

Speaker 1  24:02  
That's possible for you right now. And this is what I do. This is how I got myself out of this

Scottie Durrett  24:08  
number one clarity, figuring out what you want, not whatever, not what everyone else says you should want, and not what you're just seeing on the phone. Energy, protecting it, fueling it, managing it, so you're not running on fumes. You're setting beautiful boundaries that are coming from the essential and social self together as a team. Because when we are living our day feeling so guilty and people pleasing, then there's no way we're in charge of our own life. We're letting someone else tell us how we should be living our life. So here's my challenge to you, the next time you see a hot mess, mom, reel, laugh, enjoy it. Take from it. What you what you need from it. But then pause and ask yourself, Is this the story I want to keep living? Do I want to stay here, or do I want to make some changes? Is it time? Write a different reel for me, because mom, you always have a choice. You deserve more than just surviving, and you deserve more than feeling pressured to be perfect. You deserve to enjoy your life, right? And that's what I want for you more than ever. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. How do those mom reels make you feel? Do they impact you? I'd love to hear what you get from Instagram, what helps you, how this conversation has made you think. And you know, if you're nodding along with me and thinking like, holy crap, Scotty, I hadn't thought about it like this, but I really want to start noticing how I feel when I'm scrolling, do that and let me know. I'd love to hear your impact on this and share this with another mom. The more us moms can show this is what I want, the more us moms can show other moms that wait when we learn how to take care of ourselves, when we learn how to create joy from within, there's a whole group of moms who feel the same way, who want the same things, and who are a massive group. You don't only have those two choices, mommy martyr or perfection. We have real mom life right here, real that's not on a screen, that's in real human life, and that's the biggest group around. I want to belong to that group. I want to belong there. I love you, mom. If you want more tools and support and a safe space to finally put yourself back on the list to learn how to work with your essential and social self, DM me the word badass, and let's get you feeling. Let's get you on track. We can start doing that right now. You have a choice always. There is another way, and I can show you how and you fucking deserve it. I love you. You.