What Healthy Boundaries Actually Look Like at the Holidays

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty durett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up, join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity, if you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex.

Scottie Durrett  0:37  
Hey, my beautiful mama, welcome back to momplex. It's holiday season. Oh my gosh. I know you want it to be freaking amazing. I know you have your beautiful list written out. Maybe it's on a piece of paper, maybe it's on your notes app. Maybe it's in your head, and when you close your eyes, you can just imagine it this incredible holiday season you wrapped up with your kids. This is the one. This is finally the one where it's just gonna be so incredible, where you're not only sleeping great, but everything that your kids want, it's just gonna work out perfectly, right? This is the one. But no matter how hard you try, right? It just never quite works out that way. It just reminds me of New Year's Eve. You know. Just remember, in my 20s, I would just have these incredible fantasies about how New Year's Eve was supposed to go. I would go shopping, I would just get the most incredible dress. It would have all these sequins on it. I'd have like, the most incredible shoes. And my friends, we'd have, like, these great, I don't know why we'd always have to buy tickets to something, some great dance party or show. And I mean, inevitably, it would suck. Maybe the weather would suck. It would rain. You couldn't get a taxi, you know, it your heels would hurt. The heel would break. Your ticket wouldn't work, I don't know, but in your head, it was expectations versus reality. And I think that happens to a lot of us moms, right? It's just, you know, year after year, we always get there. We're just juggling everything we you know, you're juggling your to do list, the expectations from your kids, the pressure from your own heart, from your family, from Instagram. Like we have to admit that what we're seeing on our phones, it is absolutely affecting us, we have to add in this ingredient to our everyday life, the requests from our families, the requests from our parents, the traditions that we're trying to maintain, and then our own desires, right, like the things that we want to feel, the things that we Want to create.

Scottie Durrett  2:58  
It' s about that time of year, holiday. Of year, making plans with the family, children, all of that wrapped up in this perfect little present that we want to build and create. It's hard. It is hard, and I want us to finally talk about that it's hard, and I don't know if you're like me, I pride myself on being really strong and really tough, and I don't often like to admit that I need help and that it's really hard. And so I try to carry everything we talk about, the invisible load that moms carry. I try to carry everything on my back by myself, and my back breaks. My back breaks every single holiday. And I end up counting down till the holidays are over. The pressure builds like things get really complicated, and we all get really activated. And we come into this time of year, I think, with a lot of hope. And then I think we get punched in the gut. And I don't want it to be like that. I don't want this to be who coined it like this is the best of times, and this is the worst of times. I bet that's a really famous author, and I'm sorry for all the English majors out there that I can't remember who that is.

Audio Clip  4:15  
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom. It was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief.

Scottie Durrett  4:29  
But I don't want it to be that way. I don't want it to be where we start like, this is going to be amazing, and then by the end of it, we're thinking, This really sucks. And I want it to be over. I want all my family to leave, all my visitors to leave, and for school to start back up again. I spent a lot of my early years as a mom in that if only period like, If only I could get through this season, then I will feel good. If only I could get my kids back to school, then I will feel good. And I spent a lot of time wasting a. Lot of right now is away, and I can't get that time back. So that's what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about how we can stop wishing this time away like the dream versus the reality, so we can not hate it. And I don't I know we're not allowed to say the word hate. Let's be honest what we really want. We want to feel freaking good. We want to enjoy the holidays with our kids. We want what we want, and a lot of times we don't get that because we're trying to please everybody else. We're trying to please our parents, if they're still alive. We're trying to keep up with what we're seeing on Instagram. We're trying to break our backs to make the money in order to get the gifts that our kids are asking for. We're trying to be good. We're trying to be the good people. We're trying to keep everybody like. We're trying to keep everybody happy, including ourselves, but we're trying to race through it right? It's, it's like we're trying to check everything off and trying to keep this as a job. It feels like work. It feels like we are hustling through it. It's like we're not even really soaking it up and enjoying I'm guilty of this, right? I want you to know when I show up on this podcast, you and I are eye to eye. We are equal in this I am coming to you as a mom. Just imagine me. We're in your kitchen and we are sitting at your kitchen table, or we're in your living room and we're snuggled up on your sofa. We you are in your favorite pajamas or your sweatpants, and you have a blanket wrapped around your legs. You're drinking some hot tea or your cocoa or hot coffee out of your favorite mug. You and I are on your sofa, and we are face to face right now, and we are just going to talk through this, and we are literally just trying to figure out, like, hey, what do we want this holiday season? What do we want? And how can we get that? How can we get that and feel good and not feel guilty and not feel pressured by that, and not feel like worried that we're going to piss anybody off or that we're not going to, not going to make anybody unhappy by trying to make ourselves happy. I think that's one of the biggest myths that we as moms are often walking around with that in order for us to be happy, that means that we have to take somebody else's happiness away. I feel this a lot with my mom, I often feel this guilt that if I'm doing something that makes me happy, that some piece of happiness is being taken away from her. And I think a lot of times, moms feel that if they are taking care of themselves, that means that time and energy is being taken away from their kids, or that if they are saying no to somebody that's removing happiness from that person, and so often, then we feel so much guilt if we are enjoying it right? It's like our happiness has an asterisk next to it. So it's just you and me on your sofa. We're snuggled up. We're just talking through this. We're just gonna figure out how we can look at this holiday season a little bit differently, right? So that we don't feel guilty this time, so that we can feel some relief, so that we can actually remove some of these, these cinder blocks of pressure off of our shoulders. Doesn't that feel good? I actually feel like I can breathe a little bit because I don't want us to perform this holiday. I definitely don't want us to pretend. I definitely don't want us to say I'm fine through gritted teeth, only to go hang out with our husband or our spouse or our partner and say that we're not fine behind closed doors. I don't want us to people please, and try to be the good girl, but then we're walking around dragging around resentment. I want us to own our feelings, right? I want us to be really honest about what we want. That's what we're gonna model for our kids, right? Okay, so you and I are sitting together on the sofa, right? Because this isn't really what I really, really want us to shift. Maybe we don't find all the answers today sitting on your sofa, but what I really want us to shift rolling into the holidays that it's not about just getting through it. I don't want us to just write everything down on our notes app like these are the 37 things that I need to do in order to get through this holiday, to create the perfect holiday for my family. And if I check all these things off, then I've created the perfect holiday, because that's just running a business. That's just how we do the rest of our life, right? The holidays are magical, and they should include you. They should include how you feel and what you want. You're a part of this too. This isn't just about you checking things off, right? Like this is about you also contributing to this, your feelings and your thoughts. And you know, if you follow me on Instagram, you've heard me repeatedly say, like it our own thoughts. My German Shepherd has something to say about this. If you can hear her barking. Mean our own thoughts create our reality. And so if we go into the holiday thinking this holiday, it's going to be different. I'm not just going to survive this holiday. I'm going to participate in it. I'm going to feel my way through this. This is going to be different. We're going to slow down. We are going to soak it up. We are going to do this so we all feel better, so we all are participating in this, right? We're not just getting through the holidays. We're doing this with a healthy nervous system. We're doing this heart LED. We're doing this soul LED. We are going to feel actual joy. And so that's what I want this episode to be about. We're going to talk about actually setting boundaries. So you're going to walk away with some real tips that can help you do this. But my whole purpose of this is to actually help us, like, close our eyes and really think about, what do we want the holidays to feel like for us in our hearts, because we are the creators in the house, right? The moms. We're the nucleus, we're the mitochondria. We are the powerhouses of the cell, right? We are the energy makers. We are the tone setters. We are the thermostats. It starts with us. We're also the models for our kids, we are what they look to we are the blueprint, right? And everybody looks to us. I know that's a lot of pressure, but it's also really free, because it means that we can create shifts. So if we don't like how the last holiday felt, if we don't like how things went, we are the ones that can actually do we actually have more control than we're giving ourselves. We are not cogs in a wheel. We actually have more control. So you and I are sitting on the sofa,

Scottie Durrett  11:48  
take a deep breath, roll your shoulders back, unclench your jaw. It's gonna be incredible. Now I'm saying this to you because I used to shape shift so fucking hard around the holiday because I didn't want to deal with the guilt. I didn't want to deal with the stress. There was so much pressure already to make the holiday so perfect. I didn't want I didn't have the time and energy to deal with people's disappointment in me. I also had no boundaries. I didn't know what boundaries looked like. I didn't know how to set them. I didn't even know what my needs were. I didn't even know what I wanted. I had never spent any time sitting down on my own sofa and asking, What do I even want? What even feels good to me? I'd never even spent time asking myself, What do I like and what do I not like? And so I didn't even know how to set boundaries. I didn't even know how to set boundaries because I didn't even know what I needed to set boundaries around. So I used to smile the whole time even when I didn't feel like smiling. I thought that that made me a good girl. I thought that made me not a problem. And so I used to pretend like things didn't bother me, and I would stay in conversations even when I didn't want to, and I would say yes, even though I wanted to, like, pull my hair out, I did this because I thought the blowback would be worse, and I thought I could just put up with it and tolerate it. And this just ended up putting a big, like, shield around my heart, and it made me very numb, and it made me very uninteresting and very closed off. I could fake it. I was a big time Faker, but I didn't want to deal with the guilt. I didn't want to deal with the tension. I just wanted to, like, get through it, and I didn't want to deal with like, things, people saying things to me, like, Scotty, you're dramatic and you're being too sensitive, and why are you being so difficult? And I liked being the easy one. My brothers were always in trouble. They were always pissing my parents off. They were always getting in trouble. And I really liked being the good kid. I liked being the easy one. I liked being the one that never got in trouble. I liked getting a ton of praise. Yeah, by I got a lot of praise for that, and so I had a lot of pride in that the go with the flow kid, the one that everybody could depend on. What I was really allowing them to say to me was, you're the one that we can push around. So I swallowed my feelings as a kid, and that continued so long into my adulthood, and it became a habit, and now I'm having to really try and learn how to reconnect to my feelings. And it's hard fucking work, because when you swallow your feelings for a really long time, gosh, those things get buried under, gosh, I don't know, resentment and laundry and lost time and exhaustion. They're hard to they're hard to dig under. They're hard to dig through. They don't go away. They get stuck. You're they don't go away when you swallow your feelings and every holiday and every conversation and it doesn't just stay. Through the holidays. Right when you swallow your feelings during the holidays, it just sticks with you for the whole year. And so I just walked away from the holidays with a ton of resentment. I felt like I was getting slapped by and ignored by the people in my life. But I've now learned that it was me. I was the one that was ignoring myself. I was the one that was hiding the tears and telling people I was fine when I wasn't. They were just holding me at face value. They were just believing me at my word. And this carried into my 20s and my 30s, and now I'm in my 40s, and I'm working through it now, and as moms and women. I think that we're world class peacekeepers. I think we like keeping the peace. I think that we're really good at it. I think that it's a superpower. I think people depend on us. We're a soft landing. I think we can hold a lot. We're very empathetic, and I think we can carry a lot for a very long time, and we are beautiful at that it's a superpower, but if it's a superpower, but if we don't learn how to set boundaries, it can become very detrimental, right? Because peacekeeping at the expense of our health is what I was talking about. It's self abandonment, and I have, I didn't learn this until I've gone through my own life coaching certification, and this blew my noggin. Nobody taught me this because our body always knows those feelings when we ignore our feelings, right? The best way I can describe it when we say we're fine, when we're really fucking pissed, when we slam the dishwasher, when we really want to say, Everybody get up off the sofa and come help me clean the kitchen. But we don't, because we don't want to be a burden, and we kind of like the martyring ourselves a little bit every time we say yes, when we mean no, we don't think it's leaving a mark, but it is, and it's leaving a mark in our body. It's leaving a mark in our spirit. It's leaving a mark in our heart. And what therapists know that I think a lot of us, you know lay people, don't know it's people pleasing is a nervous system response. It's it's a protection, right? Because when we're not being treated the way that we want to be treated, our body goes into fight or flight because our brain wants to keep us safe and people pleasing is what's known as fawn mode. It's your brain saying, if I make everybody happy around me, then I will be safe. So the fawn response temporarily reduces danger and that fear that people are going to get mad at you, that threat that everybody's going to be disappointed in you, that that praise, that you're not the wonderful one is going to go away, that that love, right? Like if you as a child were always praised, that you are the good one, the one that we can depend on. You're the glue, that you are the good kid. That's how you received love, right? And so a part of you, that little girl, thinks, if I'm not getting praise, then I'm not getting love, and if I don't have love, I have nothing. So your brain is going to say, shit, we need to make sure that that love never goes away. So we need to keep the peace. So we're going to make everybody happy, even if that means that we're not happy, because at least then we're getting the love. But long term, every time we let ourselves go into that fight, flight, freeze or fawn, that stress response. And here's what's so interesting, we always think about fight or flight as the stress response, but freeze fawn, and now the new one is flop. That's a stress response. It also raises cortisol. And when we have a ton of cortisol in our body, and we don't find a way for our body to release the cortisol. So if you're sitting at the holiday table and you're stuck in a conversation that you don't want to be in, but you're sitting there saying, I got to stay in this conversation. I got to stay in this really upsetting conversation, and I can't be rude, because it's going to make people not love me. So I'm just going to say here and say, I'm just going to make everybody happy. You have cortisol running through your body, which means and you can't get up from the table to go run around and punch a pillow or cry or scream or let it out. You're going to have the anxiety spiking, it's going to drain your energy, and it's going to build up inflammation in your body. And look, there's a difference. I talk about it all the time. There's a difference between a super duper, triggering, inappropriate and uncomfortable conversation with Uncle Timmy and a bear chasing you, but your body doesn't know the difference, so it's going to keep you in this fight, flight, freeze or fawn, because it thinks you're in danger. And therapists also know that trauma lives in the body, unfelt feelings, all feelings, unfelt. Trauma, little t, big T, unfelt feelings, big F, little f, they don't disappear. They don't disappear, even if they're not on your mind. They live in your body, and thank goodness they live in our body, because they're important. They're trying to communicate with us. Our feelings matter. Our body loves us so much, and all feelings and emotions are good, and they all have messages for us, but our feelings, they sit in our nervous system. And if we don't feel our feelings, we can't heal you got to feel your feelings to heal them. And when we don't feel our feelings, when we squash them down, they are going to create issues, right? And they're finding. Scientists are truly finding out that stress, unfelt feelings, is one of the biggest contributions to long term chronic health and disease. It starts small, right? It's starting with headaches and fatigue, brain fog, frustration, not feeling like yourself, you know, just lack of energy, lack of joy. But it can become really, really chronic disease. It can lead to chronic anxiety, chronic depression, and then really serious chronic health, because of what I was saying before, it's building up like unnecessary amounts of cortisol and inflammation, and inflammation causes a lot of health issues, and now they're understanding, like, how this is affecting us on a biological, physiological and cellular level. Literally, it's affecting how our mitochondria behaves and what it's able to do, and it's it's serious,

Scottie Durrett  21:44  
and they're learning crazy now too, with epigenetics, trauma can get passed down through our genes. So people pleasing is also a form of control, not manipulative control. I don't think we're sitting at the table thinking, hahahaha, I'm going to people please the shit out of you, because I want to make your life a living hell. It's survival control. If I keep everyone happy, I won't get hurt. I can avoid this conflict. I don't have to deal with their guilt. I won't have to feel uncomfortable. No one will explode. I can keep this dinner party comfortable, and we won't have a huge fight. If I don't rock the boat, then everything will be okay, but this traps you in an identity you never chose, but it'll keep you stuck there, because that's what everybody is going to identify you in right? The easy one, the go with the flow one, the dependable one, the doormat, the one that never speaks up, the one that we can all push around. And what's even harder is when you finally do speak up it. No one can handle it. No one can tolerate it. In fact, it's like, oh my gosh, when you freaking speak up, everybody's like, you are not allowed to speak up, because my nervous system is not prepared for you to be at this level. I've never dealt with it before, so, I mean, they are even more unprepared. So they get way more triggered because they've never dealt with it before. That's not your responsibility. That's a them problem, but it makes it so much more uncomfortable, which is so unfair, right? And it makes you want to even recoil more. That's where boundaries come in. Boundaries are hard. We don't learn them in school, to a degree I know they try to teach us in kindergarten, about to share and, you know, keep your hands to yourself and the body and all this stuff, and they do their best. They do their best. But truly, you know, we are programmed from age zero to seven. Boundaries are really going to be best modeled by our caregivers. If they're not modeled by your caregivers, you're going to have to learn how to teach them to yourself, but you're a badass, and you absolutely can. I am proof of that. Please, please, please, if that thought pops into your brain that I can't teach myself boundaries, that I'm too old, this is not This is impossible. I want you to picture a red stop sign, and I want you to see the words I can't on that stop sign, and then I want you to close your eyes, and I want you to visualize that stop sign turning into a green sign. And I want you to visualize the word turning from I can't to I can because you can. Therapists have this beautiful phrase, instead of boundaries, they're called Little fences. They're not walls, they're not punishments, they're not mean, they're not rude. Boundaries are really nice. Think of them as like clarity. I like to think of boundaries as you know when you go bowling and they have those little bumpers that pop up on either side. They're not. Hall at all, and they're not even all like a full wall. They have little like, it's like a little fence. It's like a little fence that air can get through and little things could walk through. Those are boundaries. They just, it's like the ball could just, like, slightly tap it and then just move in a slightly different direction. It's not even a hard tap. It's just like a little nudge. Boundaries just help energy and communication nudge and shift. It offers clarity. And when we have clarity, our nervous system doesn't need to be anxious anymore. Our nervous system loves clarity. Think about how anxious we feel when we don't have all the information, especially when, like, current events happen, right? If you get information that says, like, oh my gosh, there's been, you know, an event that happened in this part of the world, you're like, I need all the I need all the news. As soon as we have all the information, you can almost feel like, okay, I've got all the information. That's just what boundaries offer information. Boundaries are just more information. They're not mean. For some reason, boundaries are in the same bucket as the word no. And we want to think of boundaries like, attach a little balloon to the word boundary, and just like, carry it over to this little middle area that boundaries are just clarity. They're just nice bits of information, and they help us out. They will improve relationships, and they're going to help you feel more seen and more supported, if not by anybody else, they're going to help you feel more seen and supported by yourself. And I was watching Stranger Things. I'm obsessed with Stranger Things. It's so good. This season is so good. It's so good. I can't wait to finish it and then go back and watch the whole thing over again. I won't give you any spoilers if you're watching it, but will is one of the main characters, and he's having this beautiful conversation with another one of the characters, who, in a nutshell, says, Look, I spent a lot of my time trying to find my happiness in other people, and I got rejected by somebody, and it broke my heart. And I finally went back and watched this old movie of myself as a little girl, and I realized, Wait, there was a time when I was a little girl, when I felt so carefree, so in love with life, and so in love with myself, and I realized that was the time when I didn't look to anybody else for approval. I had everything from myself at that moment. That's the answer. A lot of times we're waiting for people in life to tell us that we're good enough, that we're smart enough that we're thin enough that we're pretty enough, that we know enough that we are cool enough that we deserve the holiday that we want, the money that we want, the this that we want, when truly nobody can give it to us, even if you got a phone call from everybody every single day that said you're a badass, it's temporary, and It's going to go away after the phone call ends. The truth is, you are the one. You're the one that can give you the love, the permission, the guidance, the approval, the the the check mark. And when we start to hear our own voice, when we start to listen to the stomach clenching and the chest tightening and the voice inside our head that says, like, I don't want to do that, and we start listening saying, like, Okay, I'm going to say no to that person, then that's when we start to feel so seen, so validated, so of supported, and that's where the boundaries come in, even if the people around us don't hear the boundary the first time, don't appreciate it, the first time doesn't matter. It's that we are hearing it's that we're setting the boundary. It's that we're putting those bumpers up, and in Stranger Things will here's this girl, and he learns from this message, and it's so cool. And then he realizes, oh my gosh, I am the one that has all the permission, all the energy, all the spice, all the love that I've been looking for. It's been within me this whole time. And when he finally connects those dots, he becomes this, like incredible sorcerer. He becomes his true self, right? He becomes, he activates all this inner power that he's been needing to activate this whole time. And it's like this incredible badass, like seeing it's awesome, and that's true for you, right? Like you have all this badass freaking power, it just needs to be activated when you finally start to honor your boundaries and the things that you love and like thinking about what I was talking about before, when you and I are sitting on this sofa together, you know, we're talking about, like, what do you really want for this holiday? That's a boundary that's you taking the time to listen to your heart and say, like, what do. You really want this holiday to look and feel like that's not just a floofy, you know, unnecessary exercise that sets beautiful energy and intention around your time and your energy with yourself and with your family, but it's also you giving a shit about you, and that's truly the most important person for you to give a shit about you. And that's honestly what your heart wants more. It doesn't care about Lucy and Stan and Uncle Timmy, right? Because at the end of day, it's just you, yourself and you. What it really wants to know is like, are you listening to me? Do you hear me? Do you honor me? Are you paying attention to me? I'm sending you all these signals. I'm telling you what it is we truly need to feel seen, heard and understood. Are you listening to me? Because that's truly when you're going to be able to tap into your truest self, your most authentic self, that sorcerer bad ass energy self. And then when you're able to do that, that's when you can really honor your boundaries, set those beautiful boundaries. And then you get to be the most badass model for your kids, and you get to teach them how to do that for themselves. And then the ripple effect just goes on and on and on.

Scottie Durrett  31:19  
And when you and then ultimately you get this even triple benefit, because boundaries do improve relationships. Boundaries, they reduce tension. They increase connection with the people in your life, because there's honesty there. They it also creates safety, because people finally understand how to get along with each other, and you don't have to, like try to get people read your mind. By the way, nobody can read your freaking mind. Our minds are too complicated. I mean, gosh, if I had you read my mind, you'd like, literally want to pull your hair out. I have too many thoughts, and I change my mind all the time. By the way, we're allowed to change my mind. So let me say this louder, a boundary. First of all is the most beautiful love language between you, yourself and you. And a boundary when you speak from the heart, it's actually less damaging between you and the people than you love than the resentment that you could be walking around with, right like a boundary is actually going to be more loving than you saying you're fine when you're not. So let's get to the meat and potatoes. How can you set some boundaries this holiday so you can protect your energy, but also keep the peace, so that you don't go into full fawn mode and run away and like, completely send your nervous system. Like, we need some balance. It's it is baby steps, but here's some exact boundaries that you can use that will protect your sanity but also help you practice listening to your heart and honoring yourself. Okay, you number one, the time limit boundary, time, time, time, y'all time is so important and it's so precious. I think time is probably one of the most frustrating things for us as busy moms, because we all know how busy we are, and we get really frustrated when we don't think that the people in our life understand how busy we are. It's not their job. They're also busy. We're all busy. We all are really busy. And it's nobody's job to understand what you have on your calendar, but it is your job to communicate that kindly with them. So just let them know what your time limits are. If somebody says, hey, we want you to come to our all day Christmas Extravaganza, say, thanks so much for the invitation. We're excited to come by. We can come from three to five after that we're heading home. You know that you don't even need to say what you're doing and why, right? We just want to let them know that you have some time boundaries. As a busy working mom, I know that we live often minute to minute to minute, and our time is very, very precious, so treat it that way, and don't get pissed off at people if they're not treating your time that way. So you own it. You manage it, right? But manage it with love. I think we get invitations all the time, but remember, they are invitations. They're not requirements. If you have a lot of invitations this holiday, sit and actually before you respond with that immediate people pleasing like this is invitation. I have to respond to it, because if I don't respond to it, they're going to think I don't like them. If I don't respond to it, yes, they're never going to invite me again. Or if I don't respond to it, they're going to get mad at me. I want you to take a deep breath. An invitation is a request. I want you to ask yourself, do. I want to go to this. Does this light me up? Does this work for my family? Does Do we have time for this? If this turns out to be a yes? Great. What works best for you and your family? Amazing. Now, all that you need to do to tell the person is just yes or no, and if you can't make the exact time on the invitation, just let them know what you can do. Thank you so much for this invitation. Here's what we can do. That's it. And I think for moms too, it's this really important thing. We don't need to over explain. We don't need to say what are the other 35 things we have on our calendar? We don't need to say yes, but no, but yes or no, here's what we can do. Thank you so much. Not only have you been so respectful, you've set a boundary, and you've saved yourself so much energy and time, and they have all the information that they need. They know when to expect you, and they know if you're coming, and they know if you're not, and you've answered them in the most loving way. That's the time limit boundary. And I think that's probably the most important, the number two. And I think this is really going to be important when this is the I'm not discussing that boundary, and I think this is really important, not only for you, but also for your kids, especially as they get older, when they are in the college and post college years, okay when they're going to be around extended family, it's okay to say, I'm not discussing that today, but thanks for checking in and that you can be firm and neutral and respectful. Get clear on that before you sit at the table, you could probably anticipate in your head what questions are coming. I wish I had done this as a younger kid. I grew up in New Orleans, and I left New Orleans and moved to California in my 20s. A lot of my friends got married in their early 20s. I did not I got married at 28 but back when I grew up, I was basically considered an old maid. So every time I went home, everybody, the first thing they asked me is, oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. When do you think you're going to get married? Like I was some old maid. And rather than saying, you know, I'm not discussing that right now, but thanks for checking in, I felt the need to, like, apologize and over explain, and I felt less than I felt like I was a disappointment. I wasn't disappointed in myself. I was happy. I was fine. But that question really triggered me, and if I had had the language and the confidence to set that boundary, I would have spoken up for myself. I would have stood up for myself. So I think this is a really nice thing. If there are certain areas of your life that you really don't want to speak about with certain people you don't have to. They don't need to know. In fact, a lot of times these questions are just asked because people don't know you well enough, or they don't really know what to talk about, so they're just asking general questions. So it's okay to say we're not talking about this right now, but thanks for checking in. I'd love to talk I'd love to tell you about XYZ, and you can prepare your kids for that too. If there's a kid who's in college that doesn't know their major yet, if there's a kid who isn't married yet, if there's a kid who's deciding not to go to school yet, if there's a kid who has failed out of school, or if there's a kid who's working through something and just isn't ready to have to be the subject of that conversation. Work on that with them. You can also tell them that their feelings are important, and they don't always have to be. They don't always have to put themselves in that spotlight if they're not ready to, and you show them that by you setting that boundary too. Just because we're all together doesn't mean we all have to put our lives on display that way if we're not comfortable. I'm not discussing that today, but thanks for checking in. You don't have to say I'm uncomfortable about that. You don't have to say why you're not going to. You can just say I'm not going to, but I'd love to tell you about XYZ. The third thing, the food, the alcohol, the peer pressure, the social energy, boundary. Oh my gosh. I've had to do this a lot because I have been on a roller coaster of drinking, of eating. I have been a vegan, I have been a vegetarian, I have been a pescetarian. I have been a back to meat, back to non meat. I mean, I am a drinker. I'm a not drinker. I'm a Gosh, everything. I change my mind all the time because I'm always doing what is best for me. And sometimes this confuses people. Sometimes they can't keep up with it, and sometimes it makes them uncomfortable, and it sometimes can be a tough topic of conversation. If you are in a place in your life where you are taking care of you, I'm all for that, and if you are choosing to not eat. In certain things, if you are choosing to drink or not to drink, if you're choosing to go out or not go out, if you are choosing to do whatever you want to do, all you need to say is, I'm listening to my body today. I will take what feels good to me. We are allowed to make choices based on what feels good to us and what our body needs. We don't have to

Scottie Durrett  40:27  
be bullied into anything. We don't have to be peer pressured into anything. And this is so important for our kids to see this, especially now there is so much peer pressure, not only in real human life on school campuses, but on the phone, they need to know what it looks like to combat peer pressure, to combat peer pressure in real life and to combat peer pressure online, and they need to see that from you, and they need to see that they can combat peer pressure and that they will survive. And they will see that by watching you and peer. That also means getting out of a conversation that you don't want to be in. That also means saying no to an invitation that you don't want to go to. That means saying no to something because you don't like being around those people. They need to see you standing up for yourself. They need to see you speaking up for yourself. They need to see you setting those boundaries. They need to see you not being a doormat, right? And your inner child needs to see you doing that too. Your nervous system needs to see you doing that too. Your soul and your heart needs to see you doing that too. You deserve that too. So if you are in a season of life where you are not a blank check for food, alcohol and social events. You're allowed to say, I'm listening to me. I'm going to take what feels good period. They don't need to know the whole because I'm here in my life, because I'm doing this, because I'm doing this, they don't need to know that, and you don't have to share that unless you want to, unless you want to. I A lot of times this helps, too. When you think about this before, you know, it's easier to go into these boundaries when you have thought about it before. You know, if you need to close your eyes and think about you and I are sitting you and me, I'm sitting you and I are sitting on the sofa together. We're talking this through, right? Because you want to have a before you go in plan, like before you go into these parties or these events. Decide what you want to talk about and what you don't want to talk about. Decide how you want to how long you want to stay. Decide, you know, listen to your heart and say, like, no, like, know if your if your stomach clenches that the line has been crossed. Like, these are good things for you to start to notice, and you're allowed to take a break. You know, if you're in a situation where maybe you're not sure how to set the boundary, you can excuse yourself and say, like, I'm going to step outside for a couple of minutes. You can excuse yourself to go to the ladies room. You're allowed to go take a couple of minutes to breathe, right? The thing that also just motivates me so much in this, yes, the bottom line is all of these boundaries, and my number one mission always is that I want us to learn how to protect ourselves. Always, I think that when we learn how to protect ourselves, it's going to help us build and maintain a very long, happy, healthy life that we get to soak up and enjoy for ourselves, and that we get to spend with our families. Numero Uno, holy crap. But this is also to help us protect our kids. You know, it's it's a heartbreaking thing to think about, but I think my friend told me that by the time your kid leaves when they're 18, you have spent 75% of your face time with them, which means that they're going to be spending a lot of time of their life without you next to them, without you being able to hold their hand, without you being able to guide them. So you want your voice inside their head as the default voice, right? So when you are with them and you were navigating life, even when you are not giving them your mom lessons, even when you're not sitting down and telling them, you know, this is how you do math and this is how you drive a car, and this is how you, you know, do your taxes. When you're in the middle of a conversation and you're setting a boundary that's mothering when you are practicing self care, that's mothering. When you are creating a holiday that makes you feel good too. That's mothering when you are nourishing yourself, checking your thoughts, giving yourself breaks, letting yourself rest, taking care of yourself, loving yourself. Self setting boundaries. I think I already said that. Well, you know what? You get my drift, that's mothering, because they learn from what we do. So every time you have a moment to be the best version of yourself, it's not just about you. That's who you are, actually teaching your kid how to be I just did this really cool master class for my mentor, Allie. It's in this really cool virtual summit called Change the stars. And she asked me to say, like, what are the three key things that if you could tell every mom, like, how to be an incredible mom for your kids, I would say number one is connection. Connection, connection. It creates trust, resilience and confidence. It also keeps that communication flowing. Number two is, you know, be in the right now, that's all we got. This master class was 45 minutes long, so obviously I go deep into it, be in the right now. You know, we can spend a lot of time trying to get from, you know, from this thing to the next thing, but there's always a next thing. So try and not saying love every minute, but just try and be in the right now, right? It's all we got. But number three, be who you want them to be, because they learn so much more from watching us than from what we say. So when you're building this holiday season like not just about you, the best part is when you are being who you want them to be, you benefit, because then you get to feel freaking amazing. But when you are building a holiday that protects your boundaries, that helps you feel good, that you get to enjoy, you are showing them how to do it. And so when you are speaking up for yourself, you're actually protecting your kids. And you're teaching them that their feelings matter. You're teaching them that they have a voice that can speak up for themselves, and you're teaching them that they are allowed to set boundaries and that they are allowed to take breaks, and that they are allowed to say things like, I don't want to hug and I'm going to take a break from that topic, and I'm I'm not eating that, and I don't want to go to that party, and I want to, you know, sit next to this person, right? We're letting them be clear about how they feel and what they want, and you're doing that by going first, which is incredible, because then you get to do that for yourself, and you get to create how you want to feel, and you don't have to wait for somebody else to give you permission. So it's this beautiful ripple effect that starts with you, which is so empowering, because it means we don't have to wait. And this matters, because it's not about you being dramatic. You're not too much. You are unbelievable. You are incredible, and I love you. It's just I want you to protect your peace. I want you to feel awesome. I want you to love yourself. I want you to know that you're worth it. I want you to know that your feelings are amazing, and they're there because they're trying to help you make the most of your moment right now, and they are trying to guide you in the best way that they can. And every emotion that we have has information in it. Your boundaries are internal, and they're innate, and when we set them, it helps us feel incredible freedom in the world around us, and it helps us see, it helps us see

Scottie Durrett  48:40  
relationships for what they can give us, not from what they're taking from us. And it can help us benefit from these events rather than just trying to get through them. You know, when I started to set boundaries, it helped me protect my energy better. It helped me start to appreciate really important relationships, rather than hating those relationships. I know we're not allowed to say the word, but I could see myself going down this path, and I was like, if I don't start setting some boundaries, this relationship is gonna it's gonna fall apart, and I won't have it. And I'm worried if I'm gonna look back on this and I'm gonna have massive regrets, but if I set some beautiful boundaries, I think I could probably salvage this relationship. Maybe it's not going to be the relationship that I wanted it to be, but maybe it could be something. And maybe I won't sit here and wish these moments away and just try to survive the holidays and hate my way through it and grip through my teeth with the way through it, but maybe I could actually relax my shoulders, laugh, enjoy it, and get out of it what it's trying to give to me and see the beauty in it, because there is a lot of beauty in it, but I'm so hell bent on just being frustrated all the time. And I can shift that. I can shift that by owning my feelings. I can shift that by growing up and setting some boundaries, like. An adult, and I can shift that by taking care of myself so that I can appreciate all what's happening around me and seeing this like seeing the glist, like the glitter and the gold and the beauty and all the things that I have been missing because I've had my blinders on and I've only been focusing on how I haven't been feeling good. When we set boundaries, we can start to feel good, and then we can open up our eyes to all the good that's happening around us. And that's probably one of the coolest shifts that has happened, because it creates such freedom and inner peace, and it takes pressure off of everybody else to change, to make ourselves feel better. It's not their job to change to make us feel better. It's our job to take care of ourselves from the inside out, so that we can show up at our best with what we have in the moment, and they can do their best to show up, and we can just take the pressure off of everybody else, right? We're not asking anybody to be perfect, and they're not asking us to be perfect either. But it is our job to show up honestly, and it is our job to be honest about how we feel and our our limitations and what we're capable of, and you do that by tuning into your heart, listening to your body, and setting those boundaries. And I've given you some great tools and tips to do that.

Scottie Durrett  51:19  
You deserve the holidays that feel peaceful, not painful. No one is going to read your mind, but you know what your heart is saying, only you can do that, and these boundaries are going to give you the language, the clarity and the courage to finally do that. I want to hear what hits. Tell me what resonates truly. And if you want to go deeper, please reach out. We can do some breath work, some nervous system resets. The $33 December Summit is live today. If you want access to that, I bet you can still get it. I will drop the link in the show notes. You can do soul readings, and you can subscribe to momplex. Every episode you have access to it drops every Tuesday. You are an incredible human. You're simply a mom learning how to honor her body, her mind and her truth. And the coolest thing in the world is you get to show your kid how to do that, and when you do that, it changes everything for you, your kids, the beautiful moments that you get to spend with them and the people around you and for the generations after you, and for the lucky badasses who get to spend this holiday with you. I love you. You're incredible. Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life. Please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share it with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together. And if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottyderette.com to learn more, get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work, until next time. Mom, Trust yourself, trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.