When Grief Happens: How to Feel It

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Scott Hey Mama, welcome back to momplex. My name is Scotty, and I'm really happy that you're here with me today before we dive in, I just want to pause and send a lot of love just real. I want to wrap my arms around everybody and everybody who is walking through some loss and grief right now. It feels like everywhere I turn, whether it's a text from a friend, a story on the news, a phone call. There is just a lot of loss and a lot of grief, and somewhere everywhere, it feels like people are really grieving. Some losses are very personal. Some are more global. Some are actually too big to put into words and what you know thinking about what's going on between the heartbreaking tragedy happening in Texas, which has just left a massive hole in my heart, I'm sure yours as well, or you're experiencing the loss of a loved one recently, or somebody you've lost in the past, or that quiet grief, where there's a lot of change or uncertainty going on in your life, we're all feeling it in some way. And if you are grieving, if someone you love is grieving, or if your heart is breaking for strangers across the world right now, please know this, I love you and you're not alone. And I just wanted to really honor how significant this pain can be loss is one of the hardest parts of us being human, and when it comes along, it brings with a life long companion that we never really asked for, and that's grief. And when you really have lost someone or something, we don't ever get over it. It doesn't go away. We just learn to live with it, but it can absolutely shift the fabric of our being. And living with it can, many days, feel impossible. So I just today, I want to take a moment to help all of us process grief, process these heavy emotions, process the loss and those hard to hold feelings, because it's in our body, it's in our movements, it's in our thoughts and our breath and in our houses and so, you know, processing grief and loss, it's not a quick fix. It's not then this conversation isn't going to be a motivational pep talk at all. I just wanted to have a real conversation about grief and heartbreak, because I know I'm feeling it, and I want to share support and love so we have a safe place so we can learn how to carry through on with life. Because when we experience loss and when we witness someone else's grief, it shifts something in all of us. It it breaks us down to the core of humanity, it reminds us how fragile and how precious and how unpredictable life really is. And because grief doesn't just stay in your mind, you know, it settles in your body and it it lives in your heart. And as moms, if we're feeling it, then our kids are feeling it too, even if they don't have the words for it. Yet their bodies and their hearts know that something is happening, and let's be honest, they're seeing it too. It's pick up your phone, pick up the email, turn on the TV. It's a click away. It's a headline away, a pick up your phone, moment away from them, and you being thrust into heartbreak in what's going on in the world. You know, your entire feed could just be filled with just images and stories. And these images and these stories are so unbelievably important, because they are about us. They are about humans, the our fellow humans, but we don't necessarily. We're not born with practice on how to handle and process grief, and we it's a muscle that we have to exercise, one that I know many of us don't want to but I've That's why today, I really want to create a safe space for our grief to be seen and felt, not to push it down, not to ignore it, but to give it the space. Give us the space. Give us the permission to move through it, rather than us staying stuck. And this pain never leaves us. It'll never leave our friends. It'll never leave our memories and the fabric of who we are, but we can learn how to carry it, and we can learn how to carry each other through it. And you know, this is it's the second week of July. The loss in Texas is really fresh, and it was something that's been on my heart, and I. Really wanted to talk about it, because grief doesn't just sit in our thoughts. It settles into our bodies, in our hearts and our nervous system, in our brain and our breath, even if we're not conscious of it. And as moms, we really want to recognize this, because if we don't learn how to process it, our kids won't learn, won't learn how to process it, either, and they will still feel it, though, and I'm sure you could relate to this. Maybe. You know, growing up in the 70s and 80s, emotional EQ just wasn't where it is today. Mental Health Awareness and emotions and showing your feelings really wasn't it was more taboo. And so I know for myself, a lot of my learning how to process emotions has happened in my adult life. I want to share that with my kids, so I at least give them a slight advantage, one that I didn't have. Because, you know, when we're walking in our home, when we're around the people in our life, we leave a ripple effect. We leave an energy. They feel it in our tone. They feel it in our presence. Even if they can't explain it, they are absorbing it. And this may be happening to you right now, even if you've been trying to push through the day, you know you might be feeling different than you were feeling a couple of weeks ago. And so I want to help us hold all of that with compassion, so we can give our own bodies and give our kids bodies a way through this, not just around it or to avoid it. So let's talk about what is grief really? Grief is not just sadness. It's a full body, soul, deep response to life and loss. It shifts our molecular makeup, it shifts our hormones, it shifts our heartbeat, it shifts our subconscious. Psychology tells us that grief is a process, not an event, and this is the classic stages. We've all heard about the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression and acceptance, but they were never meant to be a checklist. Grief is messy and it doesn't follow a timeline, and everybody is going to process grief differently, even the people within your home. For some it becomes a lifelong companion, and everything looks and feels different after loss. Your nervous system sees loss and grief as a real threat, so your body will shift into survival mode. Sometimes it has to in order for you to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. And so your innate stress response. It could be fight, flight, freezer, fun. That's going to be your subconscious, that's your your body's going into stress and protection mode. Some people cry, some people shut down. Some people close the door and just sit in their bed. Some people get really busy and take projects on. Some people numb out. Everyone and every child will process it differently. We want to remove judgment from that and allow allow it to be what it needs to be for each person. Spiritually, grief cracks us wide open, and it can have us questioning things existentially, things beyond our four walls. You know, ancient wisdom says that in rawness, we find compassion, empathy and perspective. Some people may be able to achieve that easier than others. Some will feel closer to God. Others will question God entirely. Both are human. Both are real and true and valid, and like I was saying before, grief shifts your subconscious beliefs. It can change how you see and believe in safety, in love, in life itself. You might pull away from life or cling tighter than ever before if we want to be aware of those beliefs, because if we don't process those beliefs, they shape how we show up in everything that we do, in parenting, in work, in love, often without us even realizing it. That's why this conversation matters, not just for this people specifically, who are deep in grief today, but for all of us walking around carrying losses that our bodies still remember, and grief does show up in the body. It's not just emotional, it's physical. You might notice that no matter how much you sleep, exhaustion, just you cannot get rid of the exhaustion you might be feeling a tightness in your chest, in your throat, in your stomach. Maybe you're experiencing more headaches, more body aches, nausea, brain fog, trouble focusing, sleep problems, appetite changes. It you know.

Scottie Durrett  10:00  
Uh, emotions of intense anxiety or numbness, sudden tears or anger or total shutdown, your nervous system is trying to protect you. Your body is holding. Your body is holding what your mind cannot explain, what your mind can't explain yet or may never be able to. That's why soul care is so essential. It's the kind of care that tends to your heart, your nervous system and your energy. For some, this may be just learning how to get out of bed each day and take the next breath and take the next step. For others, it's learning how to build in acceptance and support for those who are needing your strength more than ever, our emotions, all of them, are so incredibly important in our human experience. But it doesn't mean that that makes it easy. You know, we need to feel grief, but that's not easy to do. If we shove grief down, it doesn't disappear. It will get stuck in our bodies and our nervous system and our subconscious mind. And neuroscience shows us that unprocessed grief can lead to chronic illnesses and tension and emotional numbness and burnout, but when we allow ourselves to feel it in our own time, on our own timeline in our own way. When we name it and we move it, our nervous system can find safety again, and our subconscious can learn it's safe to feel and I can survive heartbreak and I still belong. I am safe. It's not about moving on. It's about moving through and it's about in your own baby step process, allowing yourself, giving yourself permission to feel it and to move through it in your own way, in your own time. Because, like I said, your body will hold what your brain can't process. So how can you hold space for your grief? And how can you hold space for someone else's grief? The first one is to name it. This is grief. I'm feeling really sad today. I'm feeling really heavy today. Naming it will soften its power, and it also is giving it the the validation and and the spot it deserves when we are grieving, we're we're missing someone or something that is so important to us, and that experience, that honor, that feeling that matters so much, even though it is so hard your breath, Your breath is especially when you don't even know what to do next. Your breath is going to be one of the best ways to process your grief. Those slow, deep exhales tell your body you're safe enough to feel this. I you know, just inhaling through your nose, holding it for a few seconds and then exhaling. Some people have a lot of cathartic energy coming through when they write. So journaling your thoughts, no filter, no judgment, that can be very, very healing, loving and moving your body in gentle ways, walking outside, stretching, letting your body shift the energy, even if you and your mind cannot process what's going on, the shifting of your body will actually take that off of your plate. It will actually help you process it. If you're not consciously aware of able to process it in the moment, praying, meditating, even a simple help me hold this. Help me hold this today that really matters, talking to someone when you're ready. Grief needs a witness. It deserves a witness, a friend, a partner, a doctor, a therapist, talking even out loud, if you go on a walk outside in nature, talking out loud, it's giving it, giving it actual words, but allowing someone else to help you hold it. Cry or don't cry. Tears are very healing, but if you're numb, that's okay, too. And to be in nature, the Earth holds grief really well, the trees, the water, the sunlight, it reminds us that life keeps going and that life is holding us. I as powerful as this is for us as adults, we also I know we want to protect our kids from pain, but avoiding these tough conversations isn't going to protect them from pain. It'll actually just remove an opportunity to educate them on grief, on heavy feelings and safe ways to process them. So I do wanted to just touch on a quick word about how we can talk to our kids. I'll dive deeper into this in a next. Week's episode, but just to help you get started right now, because it can feel you can freeze and not know what to do. There is no manual that we're given in the hospital about how to talk to our kids about this stuff, but the awareness that the our kids are going to feel the energy of grief before they understand it, and when they don't understand it, that can create a lot of anxiety. So give your kids simple, honest, age appropriate facts, someone we love died or something really sad has happened, let them ask questions, even the hard ones, they're going to have a lot of fear if, is this going to happen to me? And you know, is this going to come in if are we going to lose somebody? And be honest, let them know how you're feeling. I feel sad about this too. Show them simple ways to process, you know, going on those walks, listening to their breath and practicing deep breathing, lighting a candle, saying a prayer, sending a message of love, and most of all, remind them that sadness is part of loving. Big grief honors the love that we have for the people in our life and the sadness we carry reminds others that that person mattered. They still matter. They will always matter. When somebody loses someone, they feel so lonely and that person, they feel so angry and slighted at the world. They want to know that that person who is no longer with us matters to other people. So you know, Mama, if you feel like you've been cracked open and broken apart. I I'm with you, and this might fall this might not even be the time that we need to say it, but I do want you to know that love still lives here for some that's going to feel impossible to believe right now, their hearts are shattered, and they're learning how to breathe again, how to live without a person in their life anymore. How can we help them? By tending to our own hearts, by standing steady enough so that we can hold them if they need our support and our arms around them, and by reminding them gently that love didn't die with their person and that we'll never forget that person. And when they feel hopeless, we can lend them our hope, and when they feel weak, we can give them our strength. We're not grief is not to be fixed, but we can learn how to hold space for it, and that space, it's sacred. And when someone is suffering loss, their world feels I mean I say the word empty, I don't even think that their entire existence has just been called into question, right? And they are struggling to keep their heart beating and to take deep breaths, so just know that your support and your love a voice message, a text letting them know that you're here, that you love them, and what they're going through matters to you, and that person they lost matters to you, or if you're going through something, read the text messages. Even if you don't feel ready, you don't have to respond. But let, let people bring you food. Let people put their arms around you. Let people honor the person that you've lost, receive that love. It honors the souls that we've lost, their lives, their loves, and you know, everybody that they've left. It's, it is a heavy My heart feels. It's aching. It's a big, big ache. And I just want to send so much love to everybody right now, and for us to really come together and lean on each other. And you know, it's like just even if you can only reach out to one person today. Tend to them, love them, hug them, let them know you love them. Honor them. Honor their life. Honor the per their grief. Honor your own grief.

Scottie Durrett  19:13  
It's so important. You're so important, and what we feel is so important. Next week, I'm going to talk about how we can support someone walking through their grief without minimizing it, without trying to get over it or fix it, and without making it about us. I've also dropped some really important resources in the show notes that please if you want to receive more support and you want some more information about how you can speak with your kids and how you can even practice some somatic movements to help you through it. Just check out the links in the show notes. Those are all there for you. And I'm always here. I'm always a DM away, an email away, a message away, you know, go to my Instagram, go to my website. You can literally just reach out to me. And no matter what you're feeling your thoughts, I'm there for you. I am sending you so much love for you, so much love for you and your family. Hold your people close and hold your heart gently too. I love you, Mama. You

Transcribed by https://otter.ai