You've Launched Them Successfully, Now What?

Scottie Durrett  0:00  
Scott, welcome to the mom flex podcast. I am your host. Scottie Durrette, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up. Join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. You

Scottie Durrett  0:43  
six mom, you have spent 18 years building their life, and now it's time to rebuild yours, which is really exciting, especially if you have put yourself on the back burner, totally normal. You're a badass. You have done it. You have done it. You've poured every ounce of your heart, energy and soul, and calendar and time, sweat, blood, tears, all of it, into raising these incredible humans. You've woken up at 3am countless times to feed them, to help them change the sheets if they wet the bed, to help them through a nightmare, to help them finish their social studies project. You've driven endless car pools. You've survived the pre teen and teenage mood swings, cried in the Target parking lot, hid in the bathroom, juggled the unbelievably stressful, overwhelming after school sports and weekend sports like a champ, and somehow you still manage to keep them alive. You've loved the crap out of them, you've supported them, and you've pretty much fed them the magic plate 60% of the time. Maybe that's that's probably a realistic number, and now they've launched, you badass, your kids have launched. Maybe it's college, a new job, boarding school. Maybe they're just moving out of your house. You've been preparing for them to do this. This was always part of the plan. We always knew this was coming, even though it felt like it was so far away, it just kind of sped up. And now you're here, and they're soaring because of you. They are literally their wings are spread. They are soaking up life. They are literally a sponge, ready to tackle it all because of the foundation that you've created. And you're standing there, you're so proud, you're waving. You are literally booming. You have goosebumps. You're so proud. And then the dust settles and the house goes quiet, and then that question starts to speak up and in the back of your head like, Okay, now what we just dropped my oldest at college, the drop off and the goodbye went better than expected, but then when I got home, I will never forget the feeling when I got groceries for the first time without her here. That was weird. I did not get her favorite things for the first time, and that felt this is my first born. She was the one who made me a mom, and I've always bought her groceries, and for the first time, I didn't, and it felt like I was forgetting something that had always been there. And then she finally called me for the first time after we dropped her off, I saw her name pop up on my phone, and of course, I instantly dropped everything. I think I was on a zoom call, and I muted it. My heart was racing, and I answered the first ring. I'm like, are you okay? What's going on? Is your room okay? Or do you need food? What's wrong? Do you need me? And she just said, Hey, Mom, what's up? I was just bored. I was like, Okay, I'm totally cool with that. I'm calm. I'm playing it cool. I'm playing it cool. My nervous laugh, I'm but my brain is thinking, Wait, you're bored. And I'm over here thinking this was life or death. And that moment that hit me harder than expected. You know, for 18 years, the job was crystal clear, be there for the every need, the every crisis, every lunch box, every hug, every tear, every failure, every celebration. That was my role, that was my purpose as her mom. And then suddenly, in one phone call, I realized she still needed me, but not in the same way. And I didn't know that way yet, and it wasn't that I couldn't get through my day without her. I can't I'm so happy for her, and I'm not falling apart because she's not living at home right now. But this is deeper. There's like an unsettling feeling, like the math just suddenly didn't add up anymore. I didn't know how to be her mom, so I found myself questioning, who am I now? To her? How do i Mom her? What is our relationship now? What does she need for me? How do I parent her now that she's so far away and not asking me for things, and this is what nobody really tells you about this stage of motherhood, this next chapter isn't just about them. Um, it's also about you. This is a new learning for everybody in the whole house, and this is where it gets really, really tricky society. Our grandparents, movies books have trained us for decades to completely wrap our identity around our children. In fact, I was so curious about it, I looked up Webster's definition of a mother, and here's what it says. I'm going to read it. A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children. A mother works hard to make sure their child is equipped with the knowledge skills, abilities to make it as a competent human being. Now, on the surface, yep, that is correct. That is what we do as a mom. We give birth to these amazing we become moms, either by birth, adoption, however, we become a mom, and we are now responsible to raise this human being so that one day they can walk out the door, spread their wings and be a full, functioning, good human out there, right? But when I read it, it pissed me off. I wanted to throw something across the room, because what that definition is really saying is that you don't get to be you anymore. Your needs don't matter. You're just a vessel. The your identity gets you, like whoever you've been up until this moment, you've got to bottle them up, put them in a drawer, close the door, because now you were living for your kids. And then when your kids grow up and walk out the door and leave you, you're just supposed to smile, wave and magically be okay. It's no wonder this is such a hard stage for moms. Yes, of course, we miss our kid. Yes, that is clear. We love our children. They are literally our heart outside of our body. But I think there's more that we are going through than just saying goodbye to our kid. It is this identity shift. It is this recognition of like, oh shit. Now what I have literally been living Webster's Dictionary. I gave everything to them. I sacrificed all my dreams, all my wants, all my needs, for the needs of this person who's just gone like that, and I was just supposed to be okay with it. Magically okay not complaining. Just pick up where life left off. It's no wonder. This is why motherhood is so hard. First of all, I don't think that we can sum up motherhood in one simple definition, and I definitely don't like this one. I think this definition that Webster's this is way outdated. We can definitely spice that up and make it way more empowering for not only ourselves, but our kids, and that will truly help us, over time, get our brain and our bodies ready for this weird transition, because our whole nervous system has been wired for This one mission right for nearly 20 years. Keep your kid alive. Live for them, guide them. Love them fiercely. You know the day is coming that they're going to walk out the door, but it still is impossible to know what that's going to feel like until it happens. And this, I think, is true for no matter how many kids you have, because everything is brand new. If you have one kid, and all of a sudden you go from a family to just you and your partner or just you. And then maybe you have, you're putting your oldest out there, and maybe you've, you know, you're putting your baby out there. It's whatever it is, the mission suddenly changes, and it feels like

Scottie Durrett  8:37  
they've taken you like you're a snow globe, and just shaken you up, and now you've got to wait for all the pieces to fall into their new place. It's like an it's like an earthquake. And science backs this up. I do like to back up things that I say with science, because I am so excited that science and spirituality really do intersect. And I love when we have information because it gives us a more understanding of why we are the way that we are, and science backs this up. For years as a mom, as a parent, your brain has been waking up and running on this identity and this deeply ingrained caretaking pattern that it is following. That is the routine you wake up. You know what you need to do. You've got your purpose, check, check, check, check, check, but then when that pattern stops, your nervous system gets really confused. And what happens when our nervous system gets confused, it gets very, very protective of us, and this is why we might feel anxious or unsettled, especially when we're entering a new routine. Anxiety really is born out of not knowing how things are going to work out, and so there's a lot of anxiety. Where is my kid in this moment? I'm used to knowing exactly where they are now they're clear across the country. Not only do I not know where they are, they're in a completely different time zone. They're talking to strangers. What are they eating? What are they saying? What are they doing? And so it's normal to feel anxious and unsettled, even when nothing is wrong. And it's why, one minute you're totally fine, and the next minute you're freaking out because they didn't text you back, and you're checking like 360, 600 times to make sure that there's nothing red flag worthy. And your brain is spinning, your heart is beating. You're maybe less sweating a little bit, and then you're, you know, these thoughts are coming through, like, do I need to drop everything when they call? Are they being kidnapped? Are they taken hostage? Are they safe? Are they okay? I equate it to the same feelings and thoughts that I had when I brought my baby home for the first time, and I put him in the crib, and they were in a different room for me, and I would lay in bed and think, oh my gosh, did they just stop breathing? Oh my gosh. Did they choke? Oh my gosh. Did they turn? Are they laying on their stomach now? And now, they're not going to wake up in the morning, right? You go check on your kids 600 times to make sure that they're still breathing. This is the same thing. It's just that you can't check if they're breathing. You can just check life 360 and see if their little avatar is actually moving. And it's okay to go through this, because it's brand new. You're not the only one that's adjusting. By the way, the whole health is house is going to feel differently. The rhythm changes. If you have siblings, if you have other kids, they are feeling it. Your partner's feeling it, the neighborhood is feeling it, and your kid is feeling it, the one that's walked out the door, because they also are in a brand new place, and they might be wondering themselves, am I going to be okay on my own? Do my parents miss me? Why aren't they calling me back? Will people at this new place like me? Is it going to be okay? And so everybody's navigating this whole new dynamic at the same time. So I just want to reiterate, it's okay. If there is a roller coaster of emotions and there's a lot of new feelings of worry and anxiety, you've never done this before, even if you've launched one kid to college, maybe it's your second kid that's a brand new experience. And then don't forget, there's your partner in this. If you're still with somebody raising your kids, we have to talk about that too, because when your kids leave the house, it's not just about your relationship with them, it's also about your relationship with the person who's been standing next to you through all of these years, right? If you're married, if you have a partner, however, whatever you are, whoever you're raising this family with. For so long, both of y'all have been focusing on building this life for your family, getting through each day, for your family, moving through life as a family, and the focus has been on building that carpools, dinner duty, homework battles, trips, experiences, lessons, making sure everybody's needs are met. You and your partner probably are feeling like a CEO. My husband probably feels like the CFO and I'm he probably feels like I'm the spendio of the household, like it feels like a business, right? You're always managing logistics and calendars. It's like a business, right? But we can't forget that it's not a business. And there's there's real emotions tied into this, there's identity tied into this, and then suddenly you're just two adults in a quiet house looking at each other across the table. Sometimes that's beautiful. Sometimes it's uncomfortable as hell. Sometimes you realize, oh, wow, I don't even know this person anymore. Sometimes you find both of you guys just sitting on the sofa, on your phones. That's normal. This is part of the shift. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or your relationship. It just means you're entering into a new chapter together. And that really goes back to what I was saying this, launching your kids is not just about launching your kid, it's also about you. Who are you in this new chapter? And just like with your kids, you get to redefine what you want to focus on right now, what your partnership, your marriage, looks like. Do you want to travel. Do you want to try things together? Do you want to retire? Do you want to get new work? Do you need more money? Do you have some breathing room? Do you get to rediscover intimacy, not just physical intimacy, but actually emotionally. It's about asking yourself, like, what do we want to focus on now that we have a little bit of extra focus. So this this really difficult season, you can reframe it as a season that gives you a chance to reconnect, to dream again, to reconnect with yourself, to have a little more energy, a little fewer things to focus on. Maybe your life isn't as scheduled. Maybe there's room now in your day to finally try some new things. I always say, regardless of what's going on in your day, my one of my best pieces of advice always is. To just pause and take a moment. Take a me moment. Take a deep breath. And more than anything, I just want to remind you you're always their mom that's not changing ever, ever, ever. It's like a new job description of mom. You I once saw this car commercial that made me tear up a little bit, but also was kind of a cool battle cry. It showed this husband and wife dropping off their daughter at college. Sure you're gonna be okay, gonna be fine. And then instead of going home to their house, they actually jumped in the car and hit the road on a cross country adventure, honey.

Audio Clip  15:43  
Hi, hey, how are you guys? We're getting by great. Me too. Can we call you back?

Scottie Durrett  15:48  
You never want to lose your edge? I freaking loved it. They were in the forest, they were at the beach. They were the cut like concert. They were out eating dinners. And I love that, because I thought it said so much about possibility, not only for you, but also for your kid, because when you choose to fall back in love with your life, it takes the pressure off of your kid for being the reason that you're alive. There is definitely a moment when, as a mom, when we're pouring out our heart and soul for so long, we really don't live for much else, even our business, my business right now, it funnels through my identity of being a mom, and I do get to work from home, and that's intentional, because it means I just picked up my kid from school so that I got to pick him up. I'm going to be there today to help him with his homework. I'm available. If my daughter calls me from college, I'm home. If my son from high school calls me to tell me about something or he needs my help. When you become a mom, even when you're doing other things, the mom Ness never disappears. That's always present. I want to just really hit home that reminder, because it means that even if you are not solely focusing on your kid. 24/7, you are still their mom, and nothing can take that away from them. But what's a beautiful moment for you and your kids is when they are relieved of the pressure that they are the reason that you're alive. They are forgiven that their mood controls your state of being. I love my mom so much. We just actually had the most beautiful conversation on the phone. And in a nutshell, I'll try to see if I can sum this up for you, she didn't really have a great family growing up. She ended up divorcing my dad when I was a senior in college, and she said to me in several times, you know, like, I feel like you're my only family. You're the only one that's ever really known me, gotten me, loved me, she's like, you're the only reason that I'm happy. And while I love knowing that I bring her so much happiness, there was this incredible pressure that I was responsible for her happiness, and that if I wasn't loving her, calling her, including her, then she wasn't going to feel loved, included and happy. Today, we had a beautiful conversation, and I said, Mom, I love you and I want you to be happy, but I don't want to be responsible for that. I just want to be your daughter. I want to be able to live my life. I want to be able to go on trips with my family and not feel bad if we don't include you. I want to be able to go through my week and know that you're okay, even if I'm not with you or calling you or checking on you. And she's like, I want that too. She's like, I'm your mom. I don't want you to feel like I'm your fourth child. And for a long time, I did feel that way, but that habit formed when I was a kid because of our relationship and her expectations, no fault of her own. I'm really proud of her. I felt like she did the best she could with what she had available to her, and she's really growing and evolving. She and I are growing and evolving together. That's what's so cool about being a human I'm almost 50, and I'm still learning, I'm still growing. She's 80, she's still learning, she's still growing, and I think that's incredible. But one of the biggest things that she's given me is that she has released me of the job description, that I am responsible for her happiness, that she is dependent on me for her self worth and purpose. We don't want to put that on our kids. We don't we want them to be able to walk out the door go pursue their life, dream, big, soar. Right? That's what we've done this whole time, is literally tell them you can do anything, you can go anywhere, you can have anything you can be, anything you want to be. We need to follow through with that promise. That means we have to let them go. We have to let them grow up and become who they're meant to become without us holding on and tethering them, which means we want to release them of the pressure and the responsibility that they are here for our happiness, our purpose, our worth, right? It's a hard thing to balance, because when you become a mom, it does feel like your sole purpose. And I'm not we are all amazing, and I'm not saying. If you have lived for your kids that you've done anything wrong, but it's a beautiful moment when you have some breathing room to ask yourself, what do I want now? You get to redefine what this next chapter looks like. Your kids. Don't want the pressure knowing their mood controls you, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life waiting by the phone when you really take radical responsibility and get to, like, see this as an opportunity, you are doing that for your relationship with them. You're doing that for your relationship with your partner. It's going to benefit your relationship with yourself. It is an adjustment, because for years, you've been in the habit of planning their lives down to the last detail. It might feel selfish at first, but now it's time to put that energy that you've been spending planning their lives to now plan your life. This might look like starting that podcast, reading that book, going on that retreat, finally signing up for that class that you've been thinking about, or starting the business that you've been dreaming about, or even just sitting on the couch, learning how to knit, playing the guitar, taking a nap, watching a Netflix series, right? Whatever lights up your heart. It feels fun without guilt. Just take just one small step, right? But this is how you begin, because one thing I've learned more than anything with my soul work if you desire it, it wants you to if you desire traveling the world, if you desire writing a book, if you desire taking a nap, if you desire running a marathon or going to every baseball stadium, which is mine, every baseball stadium in the country, it desires you too. And when your kids call which they will you guys are going to figure it out. You're going to figure out how you communicate. You're going to figure out what is the best time of the week to communicate. You're going to start to learn a new language with them. You're going to start to understand each other in this new phase of life that is inevitable. It takes time give yourself some grace, but have certainty and trust that you are the perfect mom for your kids. That's never going to change. Sometimes you'll just need to listen on the phone. Sometimes you'll just need to love them. Sometimes you'll need to give them, you know, constructive criticism. Sometimes you just tell them you're here and you get back to living your own life. That balance is a gift, because when you model a healthy, independent life, you give them permission to do the same, and that is actually going to be the reason why they keep calling you, they keep coming back to visit, they keep sharing things with you, because they don't feel claustrophobic. They feel it's a choice of theirs. They will feel an incredible connection and pull towards you. Picture this. Imagine this with me. Your kids thriving in the world, you also thriving in the world. And you guys get to go on trips together, not because you have to, but because you want to. You get to go to dinners together. You get to FaceTime together. You get to share things together. You get to support each other, you get to laugh, swap stories, truly enjoy each other. One of the best things my mom told me is every time I had a different birthday, she would actually be sad. There was a part of her that would grieve that version of me, because she knew that that version of me was gone, but then she said it would immediately flip over to excitement, because she couldn't wait to get to know this next version of me. How cool. We get to do that with our kids, and we get to do it with ourselves, right? We get to know ourselves again. Who am I in this next phase of my life, and who am I with my partner? I mean, there's dreaming. There's room for dreaming. So while this stage is very uncomfortable, it's very scary. It can cause a lot of anxiety. It can make you feel anxious and worried and sad and heartbroken and all the things. There's also so much joy, there's so much fun, there's so much new excitement, there's so much adventure, there's so much new knowledge and better understanding of who you are as a human and a better understanding of who your kid is as a human. There's freedom in this phase, there's respect in this phase. There's so much love. And the best part is you get to feel proud, not just of them, but of yourself, because you didn't just raise an amazing human. You're also remembering that you are an amazing human too. Your job wasn't just to launch them, it's to launch you too.

Scottie Durrett  24:32  
They're not the only ones that get to grow, explore and make mistakes. So this is your chapter. You've earned it. I would love, love, love to hear what is on that dream list? Now that you have more time and energy and a little more freedom, what is on there? I would love to hear it. My husband and I, we're not quite there yet. I'll tell you my current one. My oldest is at college, so now I have two. My two boys home with me. Surprisingly, I am finding I have a little bit more energy to tap into my creative side. And so my pursuit right now is to really grow and improve my podcast that's my goal for the next 12 months, is to really see how I can bring momplex to every mom out there that if you're a mom, it's like, I want mom Plex to be the podcast that every mom is like, thank fucking goodness this podcast exists, right? That's exciting to me. I really desire that. That is exciting to me when we launched the next kid or the third kid after that, my husband and I are, we're gonna go visit the top 10 baseball fields in the country and go to series and go stay at really awesome hotels and go listen to watch some baseball games, drink some beers, put our feet up and freaking have the best time. I'm so excited about that. So I love you. This is a tough phase. Are there any phases of motherhood that aren't tough in the moment, but they're not tough forever, right? The tough is temporary. This is going to be the same way you are incredible. I want you to understand that if you have some excitement in your belly, you've earned it. This is a new chapter for you. So the next time your phone rings, whether they're soaring or stumbling, remember this. You're still their home base. You're always their mom, but you get to fly too, my friend. I love you. I'm here for you. You are a badass. Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life. Please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together, and if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner. Be sure to visit scottydirt.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time. Mom, trust yourself. Trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the mama your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.