Conversations with Self: A Father's Journey Through Grief

Matt Cundill  0:01  
Bob, this is tear off the tape, a project from the group at I got mined, discussing the often overlooked emotional and psychological toll of trauma. Now here's your host, Bob Wilkie,

Bob Wilkie  0:18  
Hi everybody. Welcome to another edition of tear off the tape. I'm very excited with the guests that we have today. I think you're going to be able to really relate to a lot of different things in his story. You know, life sometimes throws us the most difficult of challenges. And I think Greg Niwa is going to be able to share some of those challenges that he went through and has gone through and continues to go through on his journey. Really excited. I think there's so many different things that are going to be touched on. You know, in each session, we like to talk about the one of the most healing things we can do is practice that vulnerability. And I think you're going to get a good taste of what vulnerability is today. So I'd like to welcome Greg. Nyah, thanks for being here, Greg, 

Greg Niwa  0:59  
thanks for having me. 

Bob Wilkie  1:00  
So let's dive right in. Where are you from? How did you grow up? What? What was your experience? Because one of the things that you know we really like to paint a picture of is sometimes we experiencing, we experience some trauma as young people, sometimes we don't, but it's an important part of the story. So how was growing up for you in southern Alberta,

Greg Niwa  1:20  
my childhood was one of you could classify it as almost storybook. I grew up on a ranch, about 110 miles north of Medicine Hat, and on a farm and ranch, and I was the oldest of six boys, and you know, to say the least, that was very interesting. My parents, who were pretty much let us learn and support us that way. When you grow up on a farm in a ranch use, there's not much hugging and affirmation, is you just know I got your back and and so it was pretty interesting. And I I had the best child that you could imagine.

Bob Wilkie  2:12  
So six boys all growing up on a ranch. I'm sure that there was some interesting things that you got to see just in ranching and all the different challenges you talked earlier in one of our conversations about some of the people that you had around you too that really helped you learn some things. Maybe talk a little bit about some of the mentorship, some of the other men that you had around you and some of the things that they were teaching you.

Greg Niwa  2:36  
I was very fortunate to have my grandma and grandpa live in the across the other side of the trees in the same yard, and poor grandpa, when us boys were growing up, he he just about wore out a 57 monarch car driving us to the hospital over summer holidays for stitches. It was at least, at least one trip a week, but just the fact that we had a community where there was lots of lots of friends there, I looked out my bedroom window the top of the hill a mile away, and there's a church on top of That hill that is still there today, my grandfather and and the neighbors finished building that in 1908 and we were fortunate. My brothers and I, just two years ago, helped the community put a brand new roof on it, and we still have. It's St Peter's, and Paul's is what the church is called, and we still have mass there on st Peter and Paul's day and and basically, most of my relatives are are at peace there beside the church. So that's another foundation, if you will. That was part of my childhood.

Bob Wilkie  4:00  
Really interesting. You bring that up, being able to have all the family members on a piece of property laying to rest. Is that a place, Greg, that you find yourself thinking about or going occasionally, you know, because a lot of times when we go through life, those people mean a lot to us, and we can become a little bit sad when we know they're not here. I know for me, you know, I would go out to where the accident happened and I lost my four teammates with my father. There's certain places that I like to go. Is that something that is helpful to you is to kind of visit and have some chats with him.

Greg Niwa  4:34  
Well, interesting enough when you know six boys and and me being the oldest, we never had a grade 12. And so when I graduated from grade 11, I had to come to medicine at and stay with my auntie and take grade 12 and and I was happy to to. Leave the ranch too, 17 years old, because my my father was was pretty stupid. Then funny enough. A couple years later, he smartened up quick. But if you know what I mean, I won't be buried there. I already have a spot with with my name on it and somebody to share with. So I've spent most of my, most of my life, here in Medicine Hat, and it's where I basically call home. And, yeah, that's hopefully. It's not for a while yet.

Bob Wilkie  5:39  
Yeah, we can always hope, right? So as you're going through life, you know, it's pretty good growing up. There's lots going on. Six boys active, like you said, going to the hospital a lot, because you're just doing things that young men do. You know, we have these first experiences of how difficult or how unfair life can be. What was the first thing that you kind of remember Greg, that really kind of opened your eyes to, you know, for me, it was the value of life. It was the fact that there is a finite amount of it, because we, you know, sometimes lose that. But what was something that you experienced at an early age to really, you know, you experienced that trauma for the first time

Greg Niwa  6:18  
growing up on a on a on a ranch, and you have animals surround you all the time. We butchered steers for for meat, and we had a garden, and it's kind of humorous. It's the biggest complaint my mother ever had at dinnertime with from all of us boys, was mom, steak again, and, you know, pretty blessed that way. But, you know, growing up, I guess my my first touch of a loss that I think I would have been about six years old, possibly, and I lost. We had quite a few dogs around, but Buddy was kind of my buddy and and he passed away. So the first time, little different than watching the chicken get its head cut off. You got your your your dog. That was your best friend, and now he's gone. But another interesting thing that happened to me when I was about 13, I had a 4h calf, and actually was the very first one I had, and his name was spike. He was a pitch black angus calf, and Spike and I spent eight months together, feeding him, taking care of him in the barn, 35 Below, brushing them, make sure he had enough hay to stay warm. And as always happens with 4h you never tweak about the when you're the day comes that you have to take spike to the auction and and in spike, Spike. And I won. He had best grooming, best weight gain. He was reserved grand champion. He didn't make grand champion, but we had, we had a bunch of ribbons and and he was the second one to be auctioned, and I'm sitting underneath the stands, and basically he listened to the auctioneer trying to figure out, with a pencil on a wooden bench whether how much a pound he was going to go for, and whether or not I had enough money for a motorcycle. And sure enough, I did, you know, they took spike out of the ring and and. And I thought, well, I got some time. I'll watch you see what the other Cavs go for. So it probably would have been maybe half an hour, maybe a little more I go back to say goodbye to spike, and as I'm walking to his stall, I kind of hit me. Oh, yeah, this would be the last time I see him. And it's very sad when I got there, all there was, was an empty, empty halter laying on the ground. They had come and taken them already.

Bob Wilkie  9:23  
So it's just so fascinating how life throws these things and we don't have the proper context. And thank you so much for sharing that story. Yeah, the sadness, the disappointment, I'm sure you were feeling a wide array of emotions when you saw that happen.

Greg Niwa  9:42  
I think about it a lot. When I talk about this is I get a lot of sideways glances, but I rely on meetings with self. I have since I've been little. I sit there and talk to myself and I. And thank goodness I have him, because he's a hell of a lot smarter than I am. He kind of lays it out how it is, and I sit and listen, and that's why I get sideway glances. But hey, it's worked, worked for a lot of years, still works to this days, you

Bob Wilkie  10:21  
bring up two really good points here, Greg, the first one is the sideways glances. And I think a lot of times when we're when we're sharing our stories, and some of the pain of those stories, people can look at us, you know, sideways a little bit simply because they can't relate to that, right? Like, how could you be so emotional over a cow? It's a cow. Come on, but that psychological pain that we suffer, and that's why trauma is such an individualized response, right? Because for some people, it'd be like, Okay, well, thank you, Spike, great. Now I can go get my motorcycle, but because we spent so much time with them, because you, you know what I mean, really developed the relationship with them. Yeah, it was definitely more painful for you. And I love how you talk about self. So as a 13 year old, you just realized that, yeah, Spike's not there anymore. You're having this really in depth with self, a conversation for the first time. What were some of the things that came out of that conversation?

Greg Niwa  11:17  
Greg, I guess what it amounts to is that I still, to this day, rely on my inner conversations with myself to determine what is real and what isn't real. Because unfortunately, up front, in front of anything else, it's is reality. And if you, if you're going to approach life in a in a meaningful way, so it doesn't totally eat you up when things are bad or send you down the wrong path, the first thing you got to think about is reality. And I, I'm very cognizant of that. I think it's helped me. I don't know, maybe I just been, just been lucky to, you know, learn to accept things. And I have ADHD, which is not severe, but it's enough to give me kind of a rather. You can either be a super brain or something that's detrimental. But I, when I was younger, is starting out in business, I had absolutely no fear. I I just, you just mechanically dealt with things, then you look at here's the situation, and a lot of times it was, I don't care if the horse is blind to rode the cart, and thank goodness for the prayers of my grandmother and my my mother and probably a few other people that helped me through life.

Bob Wilkie  12:59  
So you you step out and you're going to start your own business, and you talk about no fear as you're starting this business, this new journey into life, you, yeah, have to do things differently. How? How did self help you overcome some of the fears that a lot of people really feel when they kind of take a chance on themselves.

Greg Niwa  13:21  
I was pretty lucky. I didn't have any fear, and I That's the honest truth. I just thought them, you know, okay, here's, here's an opportunity. And I didn't, didn't realize it till a little later in life. Is one thing I've been kind of blessed with is, is the fact that I've always been able to think like down the road instead of like next week or next year. There, there was a lot of times in in this is part of the ADHD I'd sit on a tractor when I was nine years old in the hay field Oprah winch. We stole this from me, but I'd sit on that tractor and I'd envision what I would want to be. And when I grew up, and even down to the color of it, was in the construction business, and my dad was a counselor on a municipality, so he took me out to the road crew when I was 1012, years old, and got to run bulldozers and stuff. So that was in my blood. But I always wanted to be in construction, even down to the point where I think I'd like my equipment to be red and white. And guess what color my equipment is? It's red and white. Red.

Bob Wilkie  14:48  
Yeah, very cool. It's an important part of the process. And I'm really happy that you mentioned that because the visualization, the imagination, you know, using the tools that we've been gifted as human beings to create. Create what we want is such an important part of the process that not a lot of people ever learn or understand fully. Greg, you know what you're talking about is having that ability to activate the imagination for what you want, and then you're able to go and pursue it. So life starts to happen for you. You've got a construction company, things are going well, you've got a wife, you've got kids, and then and then life starts to want to move you in different directions. What were some of the first things that happened to you that got your attention, that that that maybe were a little bit traumatizing, disturbing, challenging, creating some of those mental scars for you? When did it start?

Greg Niwa  15:40  
Well, you're in, you have to, you probably have to separate that in into two categories, one being financial trauma and and I got to live through that in in the National Energy Program in 1980 8182 when it basically somebody walked in and just took the switch and just shut it off, and my revenue cut in half, and and I was 25 years old, and I owed an awful lot of money, and there was no way I could pay it back, and it was again, you'd face through with reality. So I took a bunch of keys to my bank and sat down with my bank manager, and I pushed it across the side, and I said, I can't pay you anymore. And he says, Well, you got to pay us something. I said, I have been paying you something, but I'm sorry, and it was that bad. It was I had one crane that I was paying 23% interest on. I It would have been better if I had somebody like Tony spranal to borrow money from. I would have, I would have had a better deal. But so, you know, and I went back to my office, and I sat there in my I had a little little 1b office and and I sat down at the desk, and I said, Okay, now what happens? And the phone rings, and it's my bank manager. He said, Come back down here. He saw I drove back down there. He pushed the keys back at me, and he said, pay us what you can, because they didn't know what to do with the nine cranes either, and they couldn't sell them anywhere. And they weren't worth anything at that present time. And you know, that was probably the first time where I had to lay off all my guys, which that hurt, that that hurt a lot, and I guess that's the the liberal side of me kicked in, and I felt bad for them, because they weren't going to go out tomorrow and find a job the financial problems that are in the world today. Back then it was, I think, was that was a university education that I never got to have or pay for, because I learned a lot harder out or survive.

Bob Wilkie  18:14  
It's interesting. You bring that up, I think it's a lot of people don't realize that that financial stress and how it can create that trauma too. You know, especially at such a young age, 25 having to go through that must have been extremely difficult, lots of sleepless nights, but you kind of get a reprieve. The bank pushes the keys back to you. What did that do for you? You know, you're going through that challenge. I'm going to have to stop. I'm going to have to quit. I'm going to lose everything. Oh, my God, I'm gonna let everybody down, but then the bank goes, actually, we can't do anything with it. Did that do anything for you moving forward?

Greg Niwa  18:49  
It honestly 10 years down the road, there was many times I sat and said to myself, or had the meeting with self, we would have been way better off if we would have went went bankrupt back then. And without question, it's, it took me 10 years to crawl out of the hole. And yeah, you a hero to your banker, and you hire some of your people back. But you know, it's, it was 10 years out of the basically the prime of my life. That what I learned, and in a sort of cruel way, it it taught me for the future. And here we are, 48 years in in business, and still, still got cranes going down the road?

Bob Wilkie  19:44  
Yeah, no, it's really interesting. I had an ending. So unlike you, the bank didn't push the keys back to me. They said, Okay, we're going to take everything. And you know, the relationships that affected my own personal confidence, you know, just the. Uh, the challenges of that. And I think, you know, because there are so many different forms of trauma, a lot of people don't realize how much of effect that can be. And like you said, in the world today, it's really financially challenging for a lot of people that are living in that trauma every day. Of how am I going to pay for my kids hockey? How do I keep paying my employees? How do I keep my business right? All those different things. It does change who you are. Greg, you talk about those 10 years that that changed who you were.

Greg Niwa  20:29  
The ADHD kicked in and, and I ended up selling two pieces of equipment in China. Of all places all over the world was financial turmoil and, and it was a Alberta trade mission that I stuck my nose in and and went along there and made some inroads in China and and ended up being quite interesting, because For almost 40 years, I went back to China. I got to work for a bigger company, or when I tried to retire the first time, and went, went over there on little project trips to find manufacturers for them. And I've been all over China, which is great and and I, I still have connections over there and the there. It's an interesting culture

Bob Wilkie  21:35  
when, when you you know how I got all that financial stress of trying to overcome the 10 years? How did it affect the relationships that you had? You know, that's that's a hard thing as the breadwinner, you know, feeding all the mouths. Did that change you at all? I know I became a little bit more distant, a little more bitter, a little more impatient with things. Did you experience any of those? You know, in that 10 years,

Greg Niwa  21:58  
my wife was, was behind me. I had little kids. Again, it's the things are worth. They what they are now, obviously there's some stress and but I got to spend a little more time with my kids. Which is, which is good. And you know this slowly, slowly, slowly, you crawl out of the hole, and I don't know again, I think is an awful lot of the prayers of my grandma and my mom. They're both extremely religious people, and a little bit rubbed off on me. I was an altar boy for five years, so it was that was something. But I guess the bottom line is, I been pretty blessed.

Bob Wilkie  22:50  
Faith is a big part of being able to survive the trauma that life kind of puts us through too, right? A lot of people lose that sense of, you know, faith and belief in what's right and what's good. And it's really cool to hear that it was a little bit of that faith and a little bit of that belief that helped you get through that challenge, for sure. So now we move on from the financial to the personal. So you've been through this 10 years. Yeah, you know you're much wiser, you're better at business. You know all these different things have happened, your growth, evolution, and now life starts to be a little bit unfair, starts to take some things away. What was the first loss that you encountered, and what kind of impact did that have on you,

Greg Niwa  23:35  
sadly, until, up until about five years ago, and and at when I came out of the hole is 35 years old, and and I had a lot of opportunity from by time I got back on my feet. And again, it was The No Fear was still there in the ADHD and, oh, look a squirrel. And, you know, you buy a gym, you get involved in a structural steel company and iron workers. I was at two other partners and, and that took off, and he had a cement plant, and many, many things. This opportunities would come along and AI again. I was just pretty, pretty blessed. And things just got, got almost routine, if you can call it, that my kids got older, they we I was fortunate enough to have a place in Montana for many years at a very good friend who was a realtor, and she would get me involved in a property, and then we'd sell it, and I'd get involved in another one, and and so my kids were were pretty lucky. Spend most of their winters up on big mountain and then the ski hill. Very, very fortunate and great family time. And so, you know, fast forward up until year 2020, things kind of rolled along over the years. I thought I was in a position to be able to retire, yeah, that that worked out really good. Is again I tried twice in in in the last basically 17 years, is because I bought a vacation home in Mexico. I had Mexico for the winter, Montana for the summer, spring, fall, Medicine Hat and and I go sit on the beach in Mexico. And after, well, the first couple of few years you you spent months there, but I quickly understood that it just got boring. It's after three weeks is sit on the beach and margaritas and and and whatnot. But I have, and still have, a lot of friends. When I bought the place, I was 15 years younger than anybody out of 90 car owners on and I can throw rocks in the ocean from my deck, but I go down to our little palapa down on the beach, and now 17 years Advanced, 17 years I'm still 15 years younger than than anybody that's still walking the face of the earth that stills my neighbors and and I get to hear the same stories over and over and over again. But I can, I I can go back there and tell them my same corny jokes every year, and they laugh and laugh. I you know, you make the best of it and and that's the the other, the other scenario that happened is my wife and I been married for 35 years, and we bought the our place in Mexico for the first time in 35 years, we've been sitting together side by side in the same couch or favorite chairs. And that's first time in 35 years we've ever spent 24 hours a day, seven days a week, together. And it is kind of sad, but we soon figured out that, no, I don't want to go to Jack and Bev's wine tasting. I'm not into that. And why are you watching this onset? Or I always watch that. And it was, it was quite a, quite an experience to figure out that you you spent all that time together. You know, the growing the business, raising the kids, putting them in school, in sports, all that, if I missed something, it would have been to maybe slow down and not do it so much, just slow down. But I it just wasn't in the card. So we're actually still married, and she goes and spends most of the winter in Mexico. I go down for two or three weeks and and we share everything, and we have Christmas dinners together the families. And it's actually, it's the way it should be, you know, it's everybody. So I get teased about it, but I I say, you know, I actually figured out what it was going to cost me for to get a divorce, and I figured out I loved her a lot more than I thought I did.

Bob Wilkie  28:55  
So it's interesting where life takes us right to be 35 years into a relationship, and all of a sudden realize, I'm not really sure that I want to do a lot of this anymore. That must have been a challenge for both of you to acknowledge, and then, and then find a way which, I think you have so brilliantly, where you're still, you know, in a good spot. A lot of people think when relationships end, it has to be bad and ugly. You've been able to do it differently. How have you guys worked through that together, besides the cost of a divorce?

Greg Niwa  29:26  
No, it, I don't know. It's, it's just kind of nice. It's just kind of nice that you're, you're still a family. And I guess that's the only, only simply, simple way that I can put it. It's, I've threatened to write a book on it. Is it? Why get divorced? Is you don't really need to, but funny how things work out.

Bob Wilkie  29:51  
You've given a couple of different you know, examples, Greg of a lot of times people are trying to do things the way that society tells. Us, and what I've heard from you so far in your story is that you were doing what was best for you and yours in those situations and and not paying as much attention to what you know the norm was being able to do some of the things that you did. I think it takes a lot of courage to be able to do that, and I'm really curious to get into when you start to experience the loss. You know, you just about lost your business, and that was a grind to get it back. The relationship wasn't, yeah, giving you what you needed anymore in certain ways, but you were able to keep that relationship. So five years ago, life comes and kind of kicks your feet out. Can you? Can you share you know what? What sort of started the biggest challenge of your life?

Greg Niwa  30:46  
Well, you're gonna have to tell the story, because I can't. But the setup to it is that my brother Bruce, and I, Bruce started working with me fairly early on in in the company. Bruce is number number five brother, and he come to work with me back, back when he was, when the company was three years old, I guess, and so he he's been, he was with me till, up until seven years ago, when he had diabetes, very, very bad, and he would crane, obviously worked in the field, as I did, running cranes and just doing our thing, And and he, he lost one of one of his left leg from below his knee. And strangely enough, my my little grandson, Parker, used to say that Uncle Bruce had a pretend lake, but he still ran a crane, and he did so for a few years, and then the actually the other very good thing that happened in my life was my son, Brandon, my daughter, Lindsay, is the oldest, and I was very, very, very fortunate to do the Financial Times that they were bad. I got to spend a lot of time with Lindsay when she was little, and to the point where I'd take her up to to Banff, and we'd go up in the sunshine and dress her up in her ski suit, and she was snow skiing when she was three years old, or we'd go go to Montana. And I got, I got to spend a lot of time with Lindsay and and which was just gold them, and Brandon was five years younger. And then he came along. And obviously, having you owe your son is is a big deal. And he, he soon took the had the attention of everybody, because he was very, very, very hyperactive to the point where he actually could climb street lights. And he was, he was so hyperactive, and they put, what did we give him, Redlin or whatever? And we put him in Montessori to see if he'd calm him down. And it wasn't till he was about 10 or 11 until he was diagnosed with ADHD, way, way worse than I had it, to the point where he had to be medicated. But the little bugger is sharp. I mean, he he started running the crane when he was 12 years old in the shop and and helping him when he was 1314, and when he graduated from high school, he moved out of my house, and in him and I bought a house, and he went to work running a crane when he was 17 years old. And so I had my brother working with me, and my son working with me, and very, very successful company, the three of us worked very well together and built it up. We we actually started with her, with another fellow. We got a branch in Calgary, which we called it North Star, different because of union stuff. And we had, I think at the most, we had 28 cranes and a lot of people. And it was, is big. It was very successful. And so, you know, carry on till, till May of 2020 and. The basically broke into an end,

Matt Cundill  35:08  
and now more with Bob Wilkie and tear off the tape.

Bob Wilkie  35:14  
You got your brother with you, got your son with you. You talk about all that great time with Lindsay at such a young age, and being able to, you know, really connect with with her. And it's such a special thing as a parent to be able to do that and and now you get to do it again with your son, Brandon, you know, every day coming into work and watching this growth and having these conversations, and watching him accomplish and do all these things. And like you say, a day comes along that changes everything. Your son, Brandon, took his life and as a parent, as a dad, as a co worker, someone you have so much love for. How did that day when the news came hit you?

Greg Niwa  35:59  
Greg, I can't, I can't really explain to anybody. And I, and I don't mean this in a derogatory way, is that you would have to, you would have to have that experience to understand, because first of all, you don't understand. And from the moment I in, I basically got a phone call. Drove over to his house, and I was sitting outside, and there was a police car there, and I I just said, no, no, no. And police one came out and and and I went back and sat on my truck and shaken it was I kept saying myself, okay, okay, what? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And I didn't know where I pulled this out of my ass, but I I said to myself, the first thing you're going to do is take the question, why? Because I like I understood, I understood the struggles that he went through. I lived with with him. I spent almost every day or 37 years with that, that kid so and I knew, and even in past, if he had a rough day, he'd come into the office and and I could tell he, he was, he had, he had, he had a bad day, and I'd say, you know, I asked him what happened, and we'd sit and talk for half an hour or whatever, and then he'd calm down and and I, I wish I had $1 for every time I asked him, you okay? You'd see I'm good. That's, that's actually a trade of ADHD, is the mask, the the mask that you you don't really know. You have to take their word for it, but so, you know, understanding that. And I said, myself, self, you take that question why, and you throw it out the window. Because if you go down that rabbit hole, you may never come out. And so that's, that's the first thing I did, was the reality is right here, and you don't have to figure it out. And it was just, it was just numb. It was numb.

Bob Wilkie  38:54  
It's such a great perspective, you know? It's not one that I normally hear when, when I get into conversations with people about what we've experienced in life. You know, my wife and I went through something similar Greg, where, you know, she was pregnant, and we were all excited to, you know, have our second child, and we're going to the hospital that night, thinking that, okay, you know, life's gonna get even more chaotic. And the doctor came in and told us that she had lost the baby, that it was a stillborn, and having to go through delivering it the next day. And, and I did go down that rabbit hole of why, and and again, this wasn't my first kind of go around with some significant trauma, but that's what I developed. You know, you talk about, you kind of threw it out the window. I went down the rabbit hole of the self pity, of the anger, of the frustration of the doubt you you you know, talk about the reality in your life. You've been able to get to that reality through your conversations with self What are you doing now? I'm really curious for our listeners to know. So. So, so not some of the things that most of us do you know, try and make sense of things, you realize that that's not going to be worth your time and effort. Where do you go? What do you do? How do you handle this?

Greg Niwa  40:12  
Interesting enough, and I actually blame covid Probably in the hysteria and all the garbage that went along with all the falsehoods about it, all the the the the control that the you couldn't go outside with unless you had a mask on and, you know, all that stuff it I sat back and I thought it thought again, you know that, and that had an effect on Brandon. Brandon had a circle of friends that he hung with, and knows where they supported each other and and his his his wife was is a nurse in ICU, so he had to be very careful. They there, you know, you, he basically ended up being isolated. And I 100% believe that it was 50% of the reason why this happened. And you know, you, it to be quite honest, there's, there's just blank the time that that day, and for the first couple weeks you, you their people are coming and and you, you go through the motions and everything else. But very, very sad. Sadly, a month and a half after Brandon left, his best friend left, took his life,

Greg Niwa  41:46  
and then there was another, and then there was another.

Greg Niwa  41:54  
And to the point where there were and there was another, there was four of them that played on the Cubs together in the same team, the same same age group, and all in a matter of of the last one, Justin took his life in January of 2021 He was the last teammate. But there was also two others, the fourth young young man that took his life, his nephew, was brought to my home in when, after his uncle took his life, and him and his sister were there, and her grandma brought brought them, and they were swimming in my pool, and it was I, I, if there was anything that gave me joy, it was The fact that the the city police totally left my backyard alone for the whole summer of 2020 from May 29 when Brandon left, and this these young men took their lives, and every day there'd be 2030, Kids in my backyard. They had nowhere to go, and the and then the police left us alone. They come swimming. And the day that that the fourth teammate took his life, his nephew, was there. He's 14, and he came and sat on my table. I was kind of like the Pope. You didn't have to kiss my ring or anything. But everybody came and visited with me, not absolutely a beautiful, normal kid, and he took his life with his dad's hunting rifle on Tuesday. You just sit there, and it's beyond numb. It's beyond numb and and Brandon's other best friend, old was his name. He came to our, my place every single he rode his bike. He lost his job because of covid, and he ended up being my pool boy. He took care of my swimming pool and kind of helped arrange having kids there and whatever. And most often, if I'd come home from work, I I need still be there, and we'd make him something to eat, and and, and I did sit down and, and I knew, I knew I needed to talk to him, because we will talk about the beach project, which was already ongoing, but I talked to old when I said, don't I. When I ask you, okay, don't do a branding, and don't do a branding and I and it wasn't every day. It wasn't every supper or dinner. And you know what? He more than once, he said to me, you Mr. Naiwa, you don't have to worry about me. I got her all the rest of my life. That good boy, yeah, took his life in January, and it's like Forrest Gump, that's, that's all I have to say about that.

Bob Wilkie  45:28  
Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing, Greg. I know none of that's easy, and it's the reason I wanted to have you here is because when we can talk about these things, we can, we can help other people, you know, hopefully come up with ideas of how they're going to be able to deal with it when it just doesn't make any sense. Okay, so all this is going on. Where do you go? Where does Greg go? You've got a business, you've got other family. What? What starts to happen for you? Because I know for me and most people who experience the kind of trauma that you did, it does change us. How does it start to affect your life? What? What are you doing? How are you just surviving on a daily basis?

Greg Niwa  46:06  
Greg, my myself. I just turned the switch to auto. It is just like this, auto, you get up, you you brush your teeth, you put your clothes on you. It is and you, you actually don't even think about the reality, because the reality was so bizarre. What happened after Brandon's best friend took his life? I got together with with my daughter, Lindsay and and we talked about, he said, we should, we should do something. I didn't do a foundation, do whatever, and I stumbled upon a phrase that says we have to go upstream and find out why they're falling in instead of downstream, pulling them out of the river. And that's when I said to myself, You know what? If I would have known more about mental health, it might not mean difference. Might not made a bigger difference at all, but I know more now than I did before. This other than my son had ADHD. I had it he had it worse. He, you know, support him. Be there for him. And so Lindsay and I started, we, we come up with the idea Brandon, Iowa Legacy Fund. We're fortunate enough to to connect with the Gen at the Mesley College, and instead of starting our own foundation, which was very smart, we interacted with them, and they take care of our foundation. I want to take full credit for this, because it is, it's the beach project. Everybody says, why? Where'd you come up with the beach project? Well, this was did Brandon's name was Brandon Joseph nywa, and when he used to be climbing street Lance, and whenever he'd be Brandon Joseph, and it always like three syllables or whatever, and then there was Brandon, and then BJ, and there's two syllables. So is all of a sudden, it ended up being beach, and that stuck. So that's, yeah, that's, we call this the Brandon leg Memorial Legacy Fund, Brandon Iowa Legacy Fund, and more affectionately known as the beach project. And so we, we started, and the mission was to find out, education, mental health education, educate people about mental health. And it during that time when all these young men were taking their lives, there was a lot of people that were getting involved in rehab and addiction counseling and what have you, and all the rest of it. And that's you know, that that's fine, good for them, needed. But I in Lindsay also, and Jim got on board, is it you know what? The more you know, the more you know. And so that's why we got our mission became go upstream and find out why they're falling in instead of just plucking them onto the river. And we approached it quite differently than a lot of people did. There's a lot of those help or. Organizations went out and, you know, this is what we're going to do, and they started raising money and and everything else, and we didn't do that. I said, You know what? I said, I don't really, I don't really like the idea of saying I'm going to do something, my idea was, is, I'll start this, I'll give it enough money to just start it, and then the things that we'll we do, we'll just put it on our resume. And that's the way it's been. We still don't actively fundraise. My family friends have donated, other businesses, businesses we do deal with. Know about the beach project and have helped. And so we've done it. You go on our website. I don't have a lot to do with it, other than funding and and I have a board. Jen Chris Lake takes care of the board, and we have psychologists and teachers and policemen and and I they, there's eight of them, and they come to me with ideas, and this sounds good to me, and they've done a beautiful job. And I'll just give you one little quick thing that's my favorite is the mental health dogs that we have out in the schools that the principals take home with them, and these dogs roam the school in free will. Is it during when classes are on and they all the students, all the teachers, all the counselors, I think even the janitors, is is taught. They're not taught, but understands that when this the mental health dog is following little Johnny around through the school, and then he sits down, and the pod goes on his knee, and somebody will go to the counselor and say, I think little Johnny's having some issues. And the beautiful part about this is that then the counselor gets the phone the parent to alert them to the fact that there might be some issues, mental health issues, and you know what the parent is. There's no adversarial how do you how? What do you? How do you know there's something wrong with my little Johnny, the dog does. And very interesting.

Bob Wilkie  52:43  
I'm curious what that does for your soul. You get to have conversations with self. Greg, you talked about how you have these conversations. What's the conversation? When you think about all the good that's come out of this,

Greg Niwa  52:55  
you mean the conversations I have with you, I'll be very, very upfront. And everybody says, How did you, how did you get through this? And number one, bottom line, not even close. The number one thing that got me through all this was gratitude, and thanks. Thank goodness to young lady named Stacy who has been with me almost five years now. And early on is I saw Stacy lots now. I see her once every couple months, and just to check in and and and I tell we, we talked about that is about, about gratitude is not very many dads get to spend 37 years with their son. Farmer to do, maybe, but, but 37 years he lived in my house. When he moved out of his house, he come to work every day and, and even if I was traveling and and very, very seldom when we traveled, we traveled as a family. And very, very blessed, very blessed to be able to stand with your your son and daughter at the bottom of the Great Pyramid, or sit 20 feet away from a 700 pound gorilla in Rwanda, Africa. Or, you know, it the great wall in China. Walk the Great Wall in China. That's gratitude that saw me through it. It still does to this day. We just carry on, and we've got programs that we we beach project still does, and it's gonna for long after I'm I'm gone. In, hopefully, and mental health education. And, you know, it's, it's kind of it unfortunately. Last year, my brother Bruce passed away from his diabetes and and that the funeral home director that took care of things and, and, and then I also put a stone. Got a stone made for for Brandon. My name is at the bottom of it, so that answers your question. I won't be buried out by the old church, but I'll be with beach and and Lindsay has her family. And I asked him, finishing up with his phone, I said, is it my imagination, or in the last three years? Is it is there been more young people like 30 to 50 pass away than normal. And he looked at me sideways, and he said, it's not your imagination. He says about 29 and a half percent more in that age group. He says, I've been keeping track, and that was since covid. So you know, you conspiracy thing, the facts and vaccinating and what have you, but there or mental health or a combination of whatever, but there's more young people losing their losing their lives. And then my second question for him is asking him, he said, suicides. It said, how many suicides don't see the paper? And he said, close to half. And so, you know, the there's a I'd like to not warn but I'd like to let people know that the what went on with those young men, and we had the CBC come to our house and interview Lindsay, because I couldn't talk to them. And they interviewed the CBC did a news piece on it, and it had, like a million and a half views, and it Medicine Hat was known nationwide. It's we even had the psychologist from that it was involved in the first Columbine school massacre massacre in the United States came up and and was part of our speakers that we arranged. He'd help them do a speaker series. And we had policemen, we had the psychologist and Willie Dejardin from the Tigers. What I guess, what I'm trying to say is, you can't be complacent. This is, this is something I think it's getting better. I'm not a newsy. I don't stick there and look at every, every news release or whatever. But this whole idea of, of when you when you look at the protest and and you look at, you know, trying to figure out whether you're a 13 year old as a boy or a girl. And in all that stuff, it just, it just doesn't add up. Homelessness is another one. All of a sudden, in the last 1015, years, there's been homeless people all over the place. It's mental illness, and that's, that's where it is. It's mental illness. And I'd say homelessness is probably 80% of mental illness, and how do you fix it? I well, I have my opinion, but I, I, I don't share with too many people, because I'm a crane operator, I'm not a psychiatrist, but the mental illness is still alive and well in our society, I think it's getting better. The awareness is, the awareness is, is there and and I think it's kind of, it's kind of catching on that, you know, let's get back to mental people, being mentally healthy, because it it affects everything, and Even it affects your physical Well, being too the mental illness affects your your body and drums up other things so well,

Bob Wilkie  59:48  
community is everything, you know, it's some of the stuff that we've learned about, you know, our brains and how we're wired and how we've evolved as a species. And, you know, you talk about the time during covid, yeah, you know what there was? A lot of people that were lost during that time because of the isolation, it shows that it's not good for us. You talked about how your grandma and grandpa and all your brothers and all your family and all the people that were on the ranch, right, that was the community at one time, we've lost that as a society, and so it's made it harder for people, and when we're not in relation, because we are such relational creatures, it's going to cause us to think differently. And unfortunately, when we think differently, we act differently, and I think that's why we're seeing some of the things that are growing. You know, I agree with you, Greg. I think awareness is getting better, but we talked about it in our talk with Shane. You know, so much of mental health is reactive, and there's very little that's proactive. And that's the twofold problem. One is there's not enough companies and organizations really leading the charge. The second is, we as as a species aren't understanding the importance of it, and I think that's where things like the beach project are so valuable, is really getting people to understand that if we do not, these are some potential outcomes, and what are some other things that the beach project is really looking forward to maybe growing or being more of a leader in the industry of preventative versus reactive.

Greg Niwa  1:01:18  
I think our board is in rightfully so is concentrating first of all on schools, is because it seems like when somebody wants to influence society, they always start with the young people, and I'm talking about the bad stuff. So you know, to counteract that, you go into the schools, and we've had, we've had programs and and I, like I said, it's over my head, but it makes people aware, and makes teachers aware, and makes makes the kids aware too. Here this is happening, happening to me. And, you know, I, I'm I'm not crazy, but you know, the here's the things I can practice and do, and that's the kind of education that that we're doing, and I think, continue on. Because, like I've said, the more you know, the more you know

Bob Wilkie  1:02:22  
the emotional poverty that we experience in the lows of life, they can all be rectified. They can be overcome, whether it's through, you know, very specific support and medications. You know, I've seen people get back on track that are bipolar, that are suicidal, but it's being able to do something about it. And, you know, for me in my own life, it was really just that, I think, like you, those talks with self were so important, where one the one side who I had let, kind of take over the narrative telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't. I started to get in tune with the a little bit of the faith and the belief on the other side that these are all the reasons why I should, you know, being connected with with our people, understanding that life is challenging, but most importantly, trying to go as deep as we can. You talked about it with beads. You talked about it with beaches, buddy there. You know, don't, don't. Just tell me what I want to hear tell. Tell me that you're really okay and why you're okay, I think is an important question to ask for people out there that know people in their tribe. Maybe you're hurting a little bit, just dig a little deeper.

Greg Niwa  1:03:28  
Hey, if there's anything I would like to leave anybody with. My son ran multi million dollar pieces of equipment or lifting things that weighed tons and tons. And he did it for 23 years. He did it when he was 17 years old with ADHD, and in 23 years, he never had one accident. He was focused on what he did. Brandon had no addictions, per se, is loved, liked his beer and, yeah, the other thing I in this was, I'm, I'm responsible for this. He never had any tattoos, and I don't have any problem with tattoos. But I when he was young, I did, you know, he kind of, you know, mentioned it. And the old man would say, you know, maybe not. And what, maybe I get my ear pierced. I said, Wow, I don't know about that. And his friend got his ear pierced and got infected, and his ear was about this big. Now is the end of that? Never heard about it again. So you know, in there, there's Brandon. He took care of his buddies, he took care of everybody else, and made sure that everybody else was okay. And you if you read anything in Facebook about them, you'll hear that. Yeah, and I'm very proud of him for that, and I miss him.

Bob Wilkie  1:05:06  
There's one piece that really fascinated me with the conversation that we had, Greg, and I'd like you to touch on it. You gave yourself a time period. How did you come up with that process, and how beneficial has it been?

Greg Niwa  1:05:20  
That's a very interesting question. Is one I've asked myself sitting in that truck and, and I don't know where I pulled that out of, yeah, out of the air. And I think maybe it's kind of like I've done this in business. I say, Okay, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna. And I got a lot of this from from working in China. Because the Chinese, they don't think 125, 10. They think 3040, 50 years when they're not even here. That's the great wall took 500 years to build. And I guess maybe that's where I said, you know this isn't going to happen overnight, where you're just going to wake up one morning and Okay, well, I got my poop together and we got to carry on. And I somehow knew that that wasn't going to be the case, because I just, I just, that's one thing I didn't know. And so it said, This is what you do. Throw the question, why out? Don't be feeling sorry for yourself, because that'll take you down another rabbit hole. Just work on yourself, work on your loved ones around you. Try to be the best that you can be when in spite of everything, and maybe you just understand that that's you're gonna have to this will be with you for until they close it with and, and I have accepted that. And maybe, maybe I'm just lucky to be not so, not so rigid, and that is kind of, you know, there's not too much gray area here you just you play with the cards you've dealt. And that's reality.

Bob Wilkie  1:07:27  
That's reality. That's reality. I would really love to know, you know you talked about early the visualization, the color of the cranes, the company, but what is it that you're looking forward to. What's the next vision that you have?

Greg Niwa  1:07:43  
Craig, yeah, you're gonna laugh, but it'll I just hope I, I've lived a good enough life to be with Brandon in heaven. That that money doesn't mean that I, I want to be gone from this world. I I have my daughter, I have my grandson, Parker, I have the beach project. I have my wife, I have my other brothers. I have a lot of things to be very, very thankful for. And, yeah, is it? I'm gonna stick around for a while.

Bob Wilkie  1:08:25  
Yeah, there's too much good to do. I'm excited to be working with you. I'm so thankful that you spent time with us here today, Greg, I think that there's just a lot that people can learn from you in the way that you've managed it. I love you how you talk about it's the reality, and we can't change that. I love the conversations that you've had with yourself, you know, taking why out of the equation and how important that is, I think there's a lot of good information that people can use if they've experienced anything similar to what you have. So I can't thank you enough for being here today. How do they how do they find out more about the beach project?

Greg Niwa  1:08:59  
We actually don't have a website. And it's interesting, I Jen is one that, again, I think it was the do the five years, we're going to build our resume, we're going to do our things that we want to do. And then, you know, in the future, if we go looking for some funding or a major, bigger project, whatever my board comes up with, and they, they hit the nail on the head every time. So yeah, that's, that's what the plan is.

Bob Wilkie  1:09:38  
So for right now, you can go to the medicine at college website, and you can find out more about the beach project, of what they're doing

Greg Niwa  1:09:45  
actually, just Google the Brandon nywa Legacy Fund or the beach project. If you Google the beach project, it pops up too.

Bob Wilkie  1:09:57  
It's always powerful when we can use our. Experiences to keep the memories of those that we've lost alive. And I think Brandon would be very proud of you and in what you're doing and and how you're helping the rest of the world learn things that maybe we didn't learn. So thanks for all the great work, Greg.

Greg Niwa  1:10:15  
Any the other the other thing, if they want to see what Brandon did, is nine walk crane.com, there's tons of pictures of him sitting there. Thanks for having me.

Bob Wilkie  1:10:26  
I hope that you've enjoyed this episode today. There's so much great information. Again, it's always good to understand people's different perspectives and experience as they deal with the trauma. And I think Greg did a great job of sharing his own personal stories of you know, what he experienced, how he got through it, what they're doing now, about it, I think those are all valuable things. So thanks for listening to this edition of tear off the tape, and we'll see you in our next episode.

Matt Cundill  1:10:53  
You've been listening to tear off the tape for more about this show and how you can continue the dialog about trauma. Go to I got mind.ca.

Tara Sands  1:11:02  
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