Understanding Spheres Of Control - Libby Triolo

Matt Cundill  00:01

This is the mental approach, where we discuss mindfulness, mental performance and the tools available for coping in a high performance world. Here's Todd Arkell, welcome

Todd Arkell  00:12

to the show today, and my guest is Libby triolo of Libby triolo coaching. Libby is based in Colorado. She's a mentor performance coach, former athlete herself, who figured out some of the performance tips she could have used at the time were were more mental and less physical. She's got a belief that if you're not putting in the mental work, you're placing a self imposed ceiling on your growth and development as a player. And I couldn't agree more, we have a great conversation about all things mental performance and tips for athletes, as well as sharing a bond as both families being billet families for junior hockey players, and talk about that a little bit as well.

Todd Arkell  00:49

Libby, welcome to the show.

Libby Triolo  00:54

Thanks for having me happy to be here.

Todd Arkell  00:56

Awesome. No, I'm glad we could. We could get it scheduled so I right off the hop, I'm going to ask maybe you can start telling our listeners a little bit about your journey, and how did your background as a, you know, a competitive soccer player and something we have in common, you said you're a billet mom for junior a hockey team, and our family also billeted junior hockey players here In Canada, and that was one of the reasons, almost that this podcast got born, was That's amazing seeing their up and down. So I think both of us have got kind of something to share around there, so maybe a little bit of background in your journey and and how this started for you. I

Speaker 1  01:34

grew up playing sports, pretty much anything my parents would let me play. I played, but soccer was my my main sport, my passion, I played competitively for 10 years. I loved it, but now I look back and realize how much of a mental block I had and how much performance anxiety I had, which really ultimately ended up having me end my career early. I had opportunities to play collegiately, both at d1, d2, levels, and I just got so burnt out fighting myself mentally that I was thought it would probably be better for me to be done. I look back on that now and realize they made that choice kind of out of fear. And I see a lot of athletes kind of do that right, like they take themselves out of the game early because they're afraid. So I went off to college. I got a degree in psychology, then went on to get a Master's in Counseling. I've been all over the place when it comes to mental health, with community mental health, schools, private practice, and then we became a billet family for the Colorado team here in the Knoll, and just started to see how much these boys just they have a lot going on right in terms of they do the pressure and, you know, managing life like a lot of them leave home super early, right before 18 even. And there's a lot of big decisions they make. And started working kind of with them, and realize that I like private practice, I like mental health in general, but athletes are really who I tend to connect with the most. Like young kids and teens college age. So then I decided to branch out from my private practice in therapy into mental performance. So this has been a couple years in the making, but yeah, that's kind of how I got started. So I see, typically, a lot of hockey players, is a lot of, like, probably 85% of my clients, just because of exposure. That's who I'm around a lot. But I work with all athletes. It

Todd Arkell  03:34

was something that I obviously saw in here in Canada. I mean, Western Canada and the CHL, they can start as early as 15. The rest of the rest of Canada is 16 years old. So kids are moving away from home, and I think billet families play a very integral role in being surrogate parents. And, you know, I know a lot of players who kind of went through the process that are my age, that had good billet families and bad billet families, and one I remember, was affectionately known as the hot dog house. So they basically, all they ever made them was hot dogs. And

Speaker 1  04:10

I at least they got fed. Some of them don't even Well, that's true,

Todd Arkell  04:13

too. And I gotta tell you, if you're listening to this podcast right now and you are a billet somewhere, I encourage you to advocate to your team, because so many other kids like I remember one kid came to us. He goes, Oh my god, I almost didn't make it up for school this morning. It's the first time I've slept in a bed in two months. Oh my God, because he was in another house and he was sleeping on a couch and nobody knew, right? And there he is trying to perform and and sleep on a couch and go to school and all those things. So yeah, there's trying not to make waves with anybody, right? Like, don't want to upset the coach, don't want to this, don't want to that. But hey, advocate for yourself. If you know, like you're not being a whiner. If you're saying, Hey, I'm not getting enough food to eat, or I'm not getting, you know, I'm not getting sleep, right? They put. Dog in my room, or I sleep in the garage, or whatever the heck it is, right?

Speaker 1  05:03

So unfinished basement or whatever it might be,

Todd Arkell  05:07

just, you just never know. So you emphasize the fusion of mindfulness and mindset in your work. So yeah, what does that combination look like in practice when you're coaching athletes, like, how do you try to utilize that for to

Speaker 1  05:22

help them. I think with mindfulness, for me, it's just really being like self awareness is so such a big part of that, right? Like being in tune with who you are, what you need, and being connected to the present moment, right? So many athletes get so caught up in the What about this and what about this future, and what about, you know, all these things that are outside of our control. And if we're really, truly mindful, and we zero in that focus, back into what we can control, right, and are really mindful about where we put our time and our energy and our focus, that's a game changer for so many, not just athletes, but people, right? Like, how much time do we create bigger problems for ourselves because of our reaction to a problem, rather than just the problem? Right? We don't take this problem solving stance. So I think being really mindful and self aware is, is huge for for people, but the athletic lens is, is definitely huge, because there are so many things that are outside your control as an athlete, coaching decisions, all of those things, right? Like you don't have you have impact how you show up, but you don't have control.

Todd Arkell  06:33

Some of the stuff I followed about you talk about spheres of control, Care to explain that concept. Since we're talking about things you can control.

Speaker 1  06:41

There's three kind of orientations, right? You have your sphere of control, which is actually the smallest, right? What you have direct, full control over your attitude, your focus, your energy, your effort, right, how you think through things, your your approach. It's really small, really, but it can have the greatest impact too, right? We can get in our own way when we give our control away. So your sphere of control is really small. It's the smallest one, the one outside of that is your sphere of influence. So this is where I can make waves. I can impact dynamics, right? This is where you interact with other people. So team dynamics, Coach ability, relationships, both on the field or ice or whatever your sport is and off, you have influence over it, but you don't have full and direct control, because other people are involved. And then there is the sphere of concern, and that is the biggest one, right? That's pretty much everything else, things that involve me and concern me, but I don't have. I have very little control over roster spots, playing time, coaching decisions, field or ice conditions, opponent behavior, ref behavior, my teammates behavior, right? Like that is where a lot of athletes get sucked into the sphere of concern, and they spend a lot of time spinning their wheels. What about this? What about this? What about that? Right? And that's where we drum up a lot of anxiety. That's where we drum up a lot of frustration. It's because we're trying to control the uncontrollable. So you want to bring it back, zoom it back into that small sphere of control. That's where you're gonna have the biggest impact.

Todd Arkell  08:23

I see it all the time, you know, in hockey, oh, that wraps out to get us. Or that this happens, and it's like, then there's this spiraling effect that happens in your mind, and it's taking away your focus from from the different things that you do. Well, how do you balance, you know, somebody who's a counselor as well, right? I mean, how do you balance the line between, say, therapy and Performance Coaching when you're working with athletes? Because I'm sure some of it might blur the lines from time to time. So how do you find a balance there?

Speaker 1  08:51

I always say, and this is, like, my biggest take, is sports psychology. Performance psychology is just rebranded general psychology to get around the stigma. Oh, I see a sports psychologist, not like a psychologist or a therapist. It's just rebranded General Psychology, but we put it through this very solution focused, performance lens. So for me, a big part of it is that I'm pretty open about that, right? Like, there's going to be times where we're really solution oriented. We're really like, okay, what are you doing? What behavior are we seeing? How can we shift that behavior to get outcomes that we want right? Like, very solution focused. Other times, like, we have to get a little deeper and say, like, where did this limiting belief come from? How is it reinforced? Right? And so for me, there's not the lines are really blurred, honestly, because in practice, they are a lot of the times, though, if I have athletes that are really struggling with some heavy mental health stuff, like maybe some depression or debilitating anxiety, like I will often, because so much of my work. Work is virtual. I will often refer them to an in person, someone to kind of manage some of those heavier mental health concerns and needs. But for me, it's all interconnected, right? There is no boxes to put it in.

Todd Arkell  10:15

The way that you approach something is definitely there's underlying reasons why, as people, we think different things. I have conversations with my kids all the time about I'm not going to provide any mental energy into guessing what might happen if this might happen and that might happen, because I don't have any control over what's going to happen. So I'll deal with it right if and when, whatever, I actually know what to deal with, right? I mean, I think that's, I think that's the hardest part we go through, is like, it's so easy to go, Okay, well, this, this situation, and, oh, that person might do this. And, well, but they do that, then, Hmm, how am I going to how am I going to deal with that, right? And so, you know, it does become, I think we can waste a lot of mental strife or energy, whatever you want to call it, just call it worry. Call

Speaker 1  11:11

it getting too into the weeds. You're really in the weeds

Todd Arkell  11:15

trying to solve the problem when you don't even really know what the you don't have in

Speaker 1  11:19

all the variables, right? Like you don't know what the problem even is, and, and I say this to my clients, a lot, like you, often, and not just you, like, not just athletes, like people in general, are often the cause of their own turmoil because of how they respond to a stimulus, like a stimulus, versus whatever the actual thing, like, traumatic stuff happens, bad things happen, right? I'm not discounting that, and I'm not saying that that's not difficult to go through, but most of the time, it's like we get really into our feel. We get stuck in those feelings, and that's the problem, the way we react to this situation, versus actually looking at the situation and solving whatever the problem is, most things are pretty solvable,

Todd Arkell  12:02

yeah? And, I mean, it's also very different, you know, like, when I talk to my wife, she'll tell me something, and before I speak, she'll go, I'm not trying to solve it, yeah, where are the problem solvers? Oh, why didn't you just do this? I don't care. Yeah. I mean, I think, and that's a very much a different dynamic, if you have, you know, female athletes or male athletes, as to, you know, I think female athletes, for the most part, want somebody just to listen, and male athletes want to solve the problem. And, like, move on, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1  12:36

yeah. And I think there's strength and weakness in both of that, right? Like, I think having that really solution focused mentality is great. I think when you try to force a solution that becomes a problem, right, when you don't take a step back and fully understand it, because you're just jumping right to a solution now, then are you creating more work for yourself? Because you're not actually being true to whatever the problem actually is, like, digging a little deeper, and then I think on the other side, right, if you're really caught up in, like, the feelings of it, and really stuck in that, it's like, okay, but at what point are you going to drop the rope and then move on? Like, figure out the way forward? So there's, there's strength and weakness and both. And I like everything in life, it's finding that balance of like honoring how you feel, processing how you feel, and then figuring out what you need to move forward.

Todd Arkell  13:32

I kind of think about, how can we because I know there's a lot of adults listen to this as well, and how you can help your kid, but I'm thinking, think back to when, because I think about communication, right? And it's, it's like, even just coaches and kids, like, I talked to a OHL coach, major Junior coach, a while ago, and we were talking about, you know, a kid that was on their team, and then they were all down and out. They were young, right? They probably weren't getting the communication that, hey, you're going to be just fine. Just stick it out of this can be great, right? And anyways, they kind of went home, sure. And but they also had a parrot in their ear that was saying, you you deserve so much more, yeah. And then the coaches aren't saying that, but somebody else is saying that. That is part of your belief sphere, sure. So you've got that going on. But then, you know, they talked about, well, yeah, we had this other kid. They were 17, and that kid was a defenseman, and we didn't let them take a face off in our own end defensively for a year. That kid, by the way, plays in the NHL now, but I'm sure it's right. But it was like, hey, we want to bring these kids along slowly. You're playing against a 21 year old, and you're 17 years old, and that guy weighs 225 pounds, and you weigh 155

14:44

pounds, I was gonna say physically there, I think, Oh, should

Todd Arkell  14:47

the coach be communicating that? Or do they just think that they they're like, getting it by osmosis or like, so I take all of that. I That's a long way coming around. But when you were younger, and you were, you know, you said. Okay, I had opportunities to go collegiately, but I kind of just gave up on it. Was there anything you think your parents, were your parents good at communicating with you, or did they really kind of know what was going on? Or do you think there was anything you could have done differently, differently? Yeah, right. Communication

Speaker 1  15:16

wise, I think about that a lot, right? Like, because nobody knew. Like, at the time, I didn't have a single coach, or my parents be like, Hey, we wonder if this is if you've got some performance anxiety or whatever, right? Like a nobody at the time really understood. I obviously did not understand it until after the fact either going to school. But, yeah, yeah. I mean, my parents were really supportive, but I definitely have, like, my dad, and I joke about this all the time, but he was like the dad, but if you didn't play well, the ride home was not fun for you and I, and I would remember, like, specific times, like playing, like, if I made eye contact with him on the sidelines, and I'd be like, oh, shoot, this is not gonna be good. And it's like, I know, as the athlete, I know what I'm doing wrong. Like, I tell this to parents all the time, right? Like, I think about my experience, and I think about some of the other parents I like talk to, but like, you're in those moments, there's a huge disconnect between your intent versus your impact. So your intent is that moment is to maybe motivate or, like, get your kid to focus or do whatever. But your impact is you are now pulling focus from them performing, because now they're in their head of like, Oh, now my dad or my mom or whoever, like, they don't think I'm playing well and like, oh my gosh, now I don't want to make any more mistakes. And if I right now, you have created this mental spiral or contributed to it in some way. I think about that a lot, and that and that, intent versus impact. And the same thing with coaches, right? Like you have coaches that can be really strict and kind of a hard ass, and people love them, right? And players love to play for them. And then you have some coaches that are a little more like fluff, I guess you could say, and people get frustrated because they don't feel like they're developing. And so that's like, it's a very hard line to walk. But I think this is where it comes in for players, knowing themselves, your coach's coaching style is not always going to match you, true, right? It might match half the team. It might match a couple people on the team. It's not always going to match you. So that's where you as the athlete have to kind of step up and say, All right, I maybe I need a little more communication from this coach. Is it then, on me, especially, I think about juniors players, right? Like, is it on me to, like, schedule a meeting or in my next one to one meeting with them? Say, like, Hey, this is what I'm seeing. I'm curious as to what you're seeing. You know, let's have a conversation, at least put it out there. But I think a lot of high level athletes don't want to admit that there's something amiss or going on. I see that a lot with juniors players is that like, well, I can't let anybody know that I'm struggling, because if they know I'm struggling, then my ice time is going to, you know, suffer or whatever. And whether that's true or not, it could be true on one team, right? I have seen that. I've seen coaches play some games with the mental side of things, but then I've had coaches are like, no, I'd rather know. Like, I want you to develop. I want you to be the best player you can be. Do you need something else from me in terms of communication? So I think it just it has to come back to that original athlete to say, what do I need? How do I function best? And then what is the environment giving me with my coach? And how do I make that work? It's not going to always be ideal. It's not always going to be in alignment, but you kind of have to figure out what that looks like for you.

Todd Arkell  19:06

I haven't always been the best sports parent myself. I think about it. And as I'm kind of it happens as I'm going through things, I'm like, going, oh god, yeah, that probably wasn't a good idea. Yeah, shouldn't do that, whatever. And then, you know, as I started kind of getting into a lot of this, you know, the mental side of things, and how some of our behaviors affect and seeing how things and I'm always trying to check in with my youngest about, okay, are you good? Yeah, like it is about him. It's not about me. It never has been, and my caring is more about supporting him or whatever. But sure, and I'll share as an example, I knew he had a big game today, right? That they were playing in front of a college that he's interested in going to that college so, you know? And I'm, I'm like, Oh, the poor guy, like, is he gonna have anxiety, you know? Like, you just wonder, like, Yeah, but it is. And I just, I texted him this morning and said, you know, have a great day. Welcome the opportunities. Don't think about the outcome. Enjoy the process. Yes, take it every advantage to show who you are.

Speaker 1  20:07

That's perfect. That's a great that's it like, yeah, that's a great parent

Todd Arkell  20:11

response. But it's people like you that have kind of taught me that that's kind of how I should probably approach things, other than, hey, don't be a chicken shit. Don't be scared out there. Whatever it is. Don't be all in your head. Don't be up in your feelings. Whatever,

Speaker 1  20:25

telling somebody to not be in their head is the surefire way to get them to be in their head. Right? Like,

Todd Arkell  20:30

it's kind of like never in the history of telling somebody to calm down as anybody ever have they ever calmed down, right? But, yeah, I mean, it's it. It seems so simple. And I think in a lot of ways it really is. I think we just have to kind of, it sounds so woo, woo. I've always liked with the woo, woo stuff, very anti woke. Like I'm

Speaker 1  20:53

old. I'm not very woo, woo. I'm not very well either. So it's like very I walk that fine line too.

Todd Arkell  20:59

Like, you know, you just, you need to leave space for them to kind of go through that stuff. He also, he'll vent to me about things, and I'm like, Ah, you know, that sucks. But hey, you know what? You know that's out of your control, right? So what else are you going to do that you can control? And you know, even just talked about something, I said, Hey, you know what, betting or whatever happens. I said, here's a picture of the two coaches and their names. Find them on the field. Go introduce yourself and tell them you're interested in going to their school. You never know what that'll lead to, you know. Like, just go say hi. What's the worst that can happen? That's how I got one of my offers. There you go, right? Like, Coach goes, Oh, yeah. Who are you, you know, who are you, right? Yeah, okay, yeah, you know. So it's just, you know, even then I just say, look at if you're not, you know, this didn't happen, or you didn't think you performed whatever it is, don't, don't have it as a write off. Just, you know, make something out of it. Do do what you can. It's, it is, I think you got to leave space for them to be able to kind of deal with that stuff. And there's definitely going to be frustrations along the way. They're trying to, everybody's trying to get a spot, not only on the team you're playing on. They want regular playing time. They're trying to get to the next level. And a lot of people want to get to the next level, and then you get to the next level, and the separators are small, the

Speaker 1  22:15

separators at that point, right? Like the higher you go, the separators are mental at that point, right? Like that. That is the separator.

Todd Arkell  22:24

The more I do this podcast, the more I'm absolutely convicted that that is, yeah, that that's probably not even the right use of the word. But anyway, convinced is what I was probably convinced, yeah, how do you train resilience with kids, right? Because, man, it seems like even within a game, you can have so many setbacks, but you know, how do what are different things that you kind of share with them to help train some resilience?

Speaker 1  22:53

I think the big part of resilience is, again, it's so much about, like, your ability to bounce back, right? You're gonna hit a setback. And so what I see with kids a lot is that they'll make a mistake in a game, or whatever, right? And then the shutdown happens, right? It's like, oh, or the frustration shows, right? They hang their head, the body language is defeated. And for me, it's like you have to understand that mistakes happen. They happen to the pros all the time, all the time, right? Like the way you build resilience is how you bounce back. So I always have my kids athletes get really set up with a solid reset routine so you make a mistake. All right? How are you now letting that go? Because there is a time and a place to evaluate a game and say, Hey, this didn't go very well. I didn't do this. I didn't execute this well. This is what went well. The middle of the game is not that time. If you're doing that in the middle of the game, you're no longer in the present moment, and you're no longer putting your full effort and energy into the game. Your mind is somewhere else. Your mind is on the past, on something you can't even impact anymore. A solid reset routine. I like a three step. It's really fast, like three to five seconds, physical cue. So something you maybe naturally do, like a lot of my girl clients, will adjust their ponytail or, like, you know, stick tap or adjust their gloves or whatever, any physical, wipe their hand down their like, shorts or whatever it might be physical, and then a deep breath so in, blow out. And like, I tell a lot of people, visualize blowing the last play away like it's just it's done. You can't impact it anymore. And then a verbal cue. So let's go something you find motivating. I got this that's done, whatever it is, so having that solid reset routine and something that you. Do when a play or a shift doesn't go your way, it's like, Okay, I can't do anything about that now. I gotta reset my brain and my body to this present moment. I can, I can think about the game, and I encourage that, right? That is a part of a post game routine should be about reflection on what went well and what didn't go well. The middle of a game is not that time. So that's how you build resilience, is that you hit a setback, you have a mistake, and then you move on, and you get back out there and perform,

Todd Arkell  25:32

yeah? And in some sports, it happens quicker than others, so you don't have as much time,

Speaker 1  25:37

yeah? You literally some some sports, you have those like three seconds to do that.

Matt Cundill  25:44

Now, more of the mental approach with Todd Arkell,

Todd Arkell  25:48

how much do you think mental performance is innate versus trainable? Do you see people that have very, a very good grasp already like it, just for whatever reason. They came from a resilient background. I don't know whatever it is, but do you think it's more people have to train it than it's innate? Or how what are you seeing with clients? I guess,

Speaker 1  26:10

I think, I think it's both, but I think the biggest takeaway is it's trainable. These are all acquired skills, right? Like elite athletes, whatever their sport, they had this innate, natural ability, but they had to hone it over time. Right? It required practice of various skills in their sport, whatever it is, right, like the mental side is the same, right, like some people have a more innate drive, like a natural sense of like, focusing on what they can control some people do, but that doesn't mean that if you don't, that you can't train that, that you can't master that, that you can't gain those skills so your level that you start at, I'm less concerned about where you're starting. I'm more concerned about like, are you? Do you believe these are skills you can acquire, right? And I believe anybody can acquire these skills if you practice them. Just like I see the mental performance side is the same as I see physical development, right? It's introduction of a skill, it's modeling of a skill, it's practice of a skill. It's refinement and execution, right? That's the same thing with mental performance. It's follows the same structure as you would introduce a physical skill to an athlete. What I see the most is that people think, Oh, if I do this mental performance skill one time, that's it. I'm good. I'm ready to go, and that's the rest of my career, and I'm like, no, like, this requires the same level of consistency, maybe even more, than your physical development. Like, you have to be engaging with these skills on a consistent, conscious, regular basis for them to really take root. It will become more automatic, yes, but not after one time or two times or a week, right? Like, that's where I see or I'll see athletes come and they'll try visualization one time. They're like, well, it didn't work for me. Like, the first time you picked up a stick and shot a puck. Like, were they all like, winners? Like you go on top shelf every time? No, you weren't. So, like, the expectation is very different with mental skills, people think they should come easier or stick for longer. I'm not really sure what the disconnect is there, but

Todd Arkell  28:30

I don't know. I guess, I guess we all, maybe it's the iPhone generation. We all want the quick fix or, yeah, you can just watch a couple of reels and we're good to go.

28:38

Sure,

Todd Arkell  28:40

that's fair. That's awesome. Yeah. What do you think the most surprising myth about mental performance that you've encountered?

Speaker 1  28:49

That's a good question. I would say the most surprising that I've had clients tell me is how they don't realize it's it's not a one size fits all. Like, I think they think that, like, oh, because this person does this specific pre game routine, that that is going to work for you, right? Like this, it's not a one size fits all. The way that I approach my mental game is going to be different, because I'm different, right? My what I focus on, or what kind of things impact me, is different. So I would say it's not a one size fits all, and it requires you to do some trial and error. It requires you to try out some you know, different skills or routines prior to practice, prior to games, right? And see and but you got to do them to fidelity. You've got to try them for long enough to see. And that's where I think a lot of people are like, Well, my friend does this, this and this, and they perform well every time. And I'm like, Okay, well, they're not you, right? You have to find your thing. You have to find your skills that feel like. They get you in the right zone to go into a game, you know,

Todd Arkell  30:04

I think about a sport like baseball, when the kids are a little bit younger, the coaches are having them all do the same warm up routine and the same this and the same that, yeah. And, you know, there has to become a point where they're encouraged to do their own stuff, right, you know? And I, you know, maybe not at nine or 10 years old, but sure, a little bit older that that, you know, you're going to do, people are going to do something different, you know, like I was a goalie in hockey, like I wasn't doing the same stuff everybody else was doing. I had my kind of own things, and I did an episode with a with a goalie mental performance coach, and had a young goalie on as well. And it was funny, because the young goalie goes, Okay, so how do I block out all the noise from my annoying teammates? Something along that lines, right? He goes, and he goes headphones, and the kid looks at him, and then, like, two weeks later, the kid's parent messaged me and said, The headphones are really working good. And I started laughing at because I kind of forgot about it. And I was like, Okay, so, but for him, all of a sudden, that became something goes all right, well, I'll try that, and then I'll have to listen to anybody. I just listened to your music or silence, or whatever, my podcast. Put my podcast on in your headphones there. Yeah, but yeah. So it's like something different. That's that's a good point. I really do think that it it. Things aren't cookie cutter. Everybody needs something different, right? Yeah,

Speaker 1  31:24

I talk about this all the time. Like, we talk like optimal arousal levels, right? Depending on my sport and depending on me as a person, like, what I need to get myself in that optimum space is going to be different, right? You've got really extroverted kids on your team that like, want to be loud and want to be amped up and want to be like, the life of the pre game party, and that gets them where they need to go. And then you've got kids that are like, no more subdued, a little more introverted, they need to get in their own mental space, right? And they're that's how they get to their optimal focus level, right? And so it's not the same for everybody. And that's what kids, I think, need to know, is that it's not you have to find the thing that works for

Todd Arkell  32:09

you. And there been any specific kind of neuroscience breakthroughs recently that have sort of changed the approach to to mental training.

Speaker 1  32:17

That's a good question. I'm trying to think of like, how recent things are, but I think, you know, I think a big part of it we're really starting to see, and a lot of people are talking about, is this idea of, like, how impactful your self talk is on your performance. You know, it's, it's not always, necessarily about having super positive, sunshine and rainbow self talk, but like curbing the negative, reducing the negative, because your brain works on this idea of confirmation bias, right? So whatever reality I tell myself up here in my head, my brain will start to cherry pick out that information from the world around me and my experiences to reinforce what I've already told it. So if I've told it that, like, you know, I tell this to a lot of athletes, like, don't take yourself out of a game before you've even played. Like, people will be like, Oh, well, we're playing this team and they've got this player and we're not, you know, like, you've now just set yourself up to lose, right? You've just told yourself you're gonna lose because of this, this and this factor that you can't even control. So it's really about like, it doesn't have to be positive, it's got to be productive. So your self talk is huge.

Todd Arkell  33:26

Yeah, I was telling my wife last night. She's like, says, I'm so tired. I go, Hey, don't tell yourself that, yeah, yeah. But I didn't get a bunch of sleep, so I'm tired. I go, Yeah, but stop telling yourself that. She goes, it's not going to make me more tired. I go, how do you know? Right? So we literally had this whole conversation. I go, I think you're telling yourself you're tired, and then you're

Speaker 1  33:48

now putting that weight on yourself, right? Like I'm tired.

Todd Arkell  33:52

I go, you're allowed to be tired. I just think if we try to go, Hey, I'm a little tired, but I can. I got enough energy to do this, or whatever it is, I don't know. I do, yeah, I, I believe it. I mean, we, we say so much stuff to ourselves, even just recognizing what we've said to ourselves, yeah,

Speaker 1  34:10

so big, those are the automatic things, right? Like that, and that's a big part of it, too, right? Like our brains like to optimize efficiency, so whatever the path of least resistance is in our brain, like those pathways, the more the ones we reinforce, more are that they come easier. Those become automatic. So if what you're telling yourself is like, I can't do this, or so and so is better than me, or I'll never be as good as whoever right, you won't, if you tell yourself that, then you won't, because you've already set yourself up for that, right? And so that's the automatic thought, and that keeps getting reinforced. And then it gets reinforced in your environment when you don't perform as well as so and so, because you were in your head, or whatever it might be. And so it really does matter. Matter what you say, you have to work to rewire your brain, right? We, we've learned that through research, is that you can create and strengthen neural pathways. And so if you want the automatic path in your brain to be more productive, to be more positive, you have to intentionally train your brain to do that. You know Michael Phelps, he this is a great skill. I tell this to my athletes all the time. You talked about when he was in really low place and he realized his self talk was, like, pretty full of self doubt and low confidence. He's like, I would say, every time I walk through a doorway, I would say an affirm, a positive affirmation to myself, right? It's true. Like, the more you say it, the more it becomes reality, right? And so so many of us will be like, Oh, I'm going to be more positive for myself. Well, that doesn't mean anything, unless you take action for it to mean something. So the doorway is a perfect example. I always have my athletes come up with, like, three to four affirmations they want to have about themselves as a person or an athlete, and then every time you walk through a doorway, rotate through them, say one to yourself, because we want that to be the automatic thoughts I have about myself versus the doubt. Yeah, he's he's a little bit legit.

Todd Arkell  36:17

Might have worked for him. I know, I you know, it's funny, just there's so many, I mean, especially when I'm working in the space, and I'm sure you see it too, that your social media feed becomes inspirational video after inspirational video. And it's like, Okay, enough inspiration. I've had enough. It's too much, you know, like, but that's, you know, but it's true. There's and again, I think you got to try different things that work for you, because that might not work for somebody. It worked for him. He found a way to kind of make it happen. I mean, my wife read a book in a butcher. I think it was healing the broken brain, but I can't remember, but there's, you know, and it talks about the neural pathways and different things that have kind of gone on, and exercises you can do to kind of stretch things and and rewire the way, the way things are, because she, she it was more she was having, you know, Phantom Pains that were not diagnosable. She's like, where did this come from? And then it's like, oh, it's stress induced. And then this and that, and if I do these, and you know what, and then, literally, over, you know, a period of several months, her doing different after read this book and doing different things, it totally, you know, all that went away. The doctor's like, Oh, can't do anything for you. And it just seems more and more. Of course, I'm no doctor, if you're listening, but you know what that? I think our minds have the ability to do a lot more things for us than we even really know, in a lot of ways, right? So, yeah,

Speaker 1  37:49

there's, there's power in that, right, like that mind body connection, and there's power in, like, our thinking and how we set ourselves up again, because we work off this confirmation bias. It's like, if I tell myself something enough, then that thing becomes true, right? Or, you know, but, and that can happen in a very positive way, and it can happen in a really negative way, right? And so that's, again, I think, that all centers back in like, what I can control and you can't control, like your thoughts are automatic, like, random stuff pops into your head all the time, right? Like, you can't always control that, but you also have to have the self awareness to say, not every thought I have is a winner, right? Not every thought I have is true, but so much these days, like, we think things about ourselves and then we go down that rabbit hole of, like, the assumption that that thought is accurate. And it's oftentimes we have so many thoughts a day, like, anywhere from like 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts every day, like, they're not all great, they're not all like, we should take that at face value, like,

Todd Arkell  38:55

no, it's, it's true. And sometimes we have just the most irrational thoughts, like, Why was I thinking that I exactly, you know, yeah, what did that pop into my head? That's nuts, right?

Speaker 1  39:08

Like, and if you've ever, if you're someone who's ever, like, struggled with performance anxiety or anxiety, it's like your brain can create a lot of crazy scenarios in your head, right? Like, and it will. It can create a lot of fear. But if you step back and you're like, that's that seems like a little outrageous, like the reality of that happening, or like, here's six pieces of evidence as to why that thoughts not true, right? Like, you just have to start to, like, realize that not every thought is a winner. And like, your feelings also sometimes can lead you astray, right? Like you can have a feeling your feelings just data. It's just trying to tell you something about the world around you. Pay attention to this. That doesn't mean that you have to take that feeling and hold on to it and internalize it and just let that be your entire persona. Yeah, right. Like, you can let that go and move on.

Todd Arkell  40:02

Yeah, it's, it's, it's interesting. Like, you think about different things even. So, you know, I know my sister, she's like, Oh my God, I don't know how you can get up. I can't get up in front of like, five people and talk, and yet, she's a lawyer. She's not a Court lawyer. But anyways, I'd like, she goes, I couldn't, I couldn't do courtroom stuff. I It makes me crazy. And I go, Well, I go, you say that, but I go, like, honestly, if you practice, it'll get better. And I remember, years ago, we were at a, like, a work conference, and there was this kind of business plan that every you know had small groups and whatever, and it was a contest that went to the end, and our team made it to the finals of against this other team, and to present your business plan and all these other things. And there was, like, almost 2000 people in the room, and nobody on the team wanted to do it. And I was like, All right, I'll do it. And then, you know, I'm miked up. You got the clicker. You're out there, and I'm in the hallway, and I'm like, going, like, I'm just kind of getting myself sort of jacked up to get to do that, because I was thinking, like, oh my god, this is going to be crazy. Yeah. So I got out on the stage, and I just kind of let out this big, you know, whoo, and people are laughing. I go, Oh man, I know how Anthony Robbins feels now, man, this is on. Like I could feel the energy, and I just kind of let it go, yeah, and then off we went. And at the end, somebody goes, Oh, that was awesome. I go out of body experience. I have no idea what I said,

41:30

not exactly blacked out. And

Todd Arkell  41:34

it was, like, cool anyways, but it was so weird. And yet I wasn't afraid of doing it. But I think I, like, almost passed out in the middle of it, so And but I think if I did it over and over and over again, you become more and more comfortable with that stuff and kind of doing that. And, you know, I relate that to a kid I coached in baseball. He's actually a hockey player, that's his main sport, and he played in the World Juniors in a game for Canada, and they went to a shootout, and there's 20,000 people, and they're screaming and going crazy. And, you know, my son goes to school with him, their friends. He goes, Man, you know, wonder how I gotta talk to him about how he dealt with that, because, like, he stopped seven or eight penalty shots, and it was just, like, amazing. So how do you you know? And then they ended up losing one nothing. And I'm going, like, people like, oh, that's I'm going, Are you kidding me? He, like, stood both goalies stood on their heads. It was crazy. And in that environment, and you go, like, so how do you get there, right? Like, and I know that you're as an athlete, you're kind of ratcheting up from this role to that role to that role. But still, for a 17 year old kid, that's a pretty wild that's a pretty wild thing. And maybe one day, we'll we'll get them on the we'll get them on the podcast, we'll talk about it. But it's like, these are things that I think you know, if you're not training for them, it's, it's going to be, I think you're going to have difficulty, you know, I don't know how you do it. Otherwise, you really do have to kind of put yourself in those positions and embrace it, yeah,

Speaker 1  43:09

and I think you just have to be like you said to your son, right the text you sent him today, like, you have to be focused on the process what you can control. Like the outcome like that is what drags so many people and athletes down is like this fixation on the outcome, right? It leads to a lot of burnout, a lot of anxiety, underperformance, like all of these things. And it's like, you can't, you can't prepare for every scenario, right? But you can prepare to believe in yourself, regardless of what is going to be thrown your way, right? Like this kid, he's not, he doesn't have an opportunity to play in front of 20,000 people. Like, it's not like exposure therapy is gonna work for him here. It's like, he's gonna have, like, you just have to do it. You just have to believe that you can do it. And I think about that all the time, like myself in high school and even like college, speaking in front of people was like, would give me, like, anxiety attack, like I had that was not and now I do this for a living, like, it's just proof that, like, the limitations that are put on you are usually ones you put on yourself.

Todd Arkell  44:14

We're all very self limiting. Yeah, yeah, saying, yeah. Do you believe you can or your can't? You're right. I think that's something along that lines. Yeah. So one last question, how do you, how do you think the role sleep, and this is parents make sure you can sleep and nutrition play in optimizing mental performance? Talk about

Speaker 1  44:34

that a little bit. Oh, it's, it's huge. And, you know, I think about that for just like functioning in general, right? Like your brain only has so much capacity right to think and process. And if you're not fueling your body, and if you're not recharging your body, right, you're already diminishing that, if you think about it like a battery, right? If you're not doing those things to optimal levels, like the mental process. Is, is such a big part of of that, right? And so, yeah, sleep is huge. I think also, like, limiting social media and phones, like, there is so much I could get on a whole tangent about, like, social media is giving you a lot of cheap dopamine, right? There's a lot of cheap dopamine hit you get. That's what keeps you scrolling right, because you're like, oh, five more minutes or and then it's been 20 right, or whatever it might be. And we you want to find ways to get like lasting dopamine. That's how you build like dedication to things. That's why like having long term goals matters. And I think nutrition and sleep play a huge role in that, because that is such a part of like, your function in day to day, right? A lot of athletes will rely on their motivation to to manage their goals, right? Like, all right, I have this plan, like this workout plan, and they'll be like, Well, I'm not really motivated today because I didn't sleep well. And it's like, well, those excuses are really easy to find, but you have to lean into that dedication, right? Like, okay, well, I didn't sleep well the day, I'm still gonna go get after it at the gym, because that's part of the plan, and that's part of the process. I need to make sure that I'm going to bed at a great, optimal time tonight, that I'm making sure that I'm eating well, I

Todd Arkell  46:19

think too. You get into some of these things. As the kids start to get older, their games start to be later at night, and they're not. I can see my son sometimes not getting home till like 11 o'clock, and then it's time for dinner number two, and you're trying to, you're trying to actively let your body come down from all the adrenaline of playing and then get to sleep,

Speaker 1  46:44

and also the lights, like it messes with your circadian rhythm to be under bright lights. And

Todd Arkell  46:49

then you got to go to school in the morning, and you got to get up, you know, you got to get up at 630 or seven o'clock in the morning to go to school. And then, you know, I think, I just keep thinking, There's got to be a better way. You know, we want them to be student athletes, but we're putting them in a position where they're not necessarily getting that stuff. I not an advertisement at all because they're not, they're not a sponsor, but things like whoop and stuff like that. I think it'd probably be a really good way. I mean, there's a lot of different wearables, but just a good way to kind of figure out, what are you really, you know, getting for sleep. My wife started wearing one, and she was like, Oh, my God, I was in bed for 10 hours, but I was apparently I only slept for six. No wonder I feel like crap.

Speaker 1  47:27

Data. There's no like, I don't think having less information is a problem. Like, the more information you have, the better you're aware, right? Like, I wear this aura ring, I think it helps me to kind of just understand, like, oh, there's a reason that I don't feel motivated to go to the gym this morning, but I have this plan, so I'm going to do it anyway. Like, I can, I can. It almost helps to validate how you're feeling, but then you have to take it that step further of like, all right. Like, motivation is fickle. It is so influenced by how I slept, how I feel, all of these things. If I want to reach my goal, I have to say, All right, I'm good, like I can feel that way, but I'm still going right. I'm still showing

Todd Arkell  48:12

up. That discipline comes from, you know, just being, just being repetitive, making sure you're doing it over and over and over again. And when you take that, I'm going to take the day off, and I think that derails anybody just I'm not going to do that today, and then now you got to find another day to do it. And it doesn't always line up, that's for sure. No, it really is. So I always wrap with a bunch of rapid fire questions. So okay, I'm ready. Get ready. We'll see what's one book you could recommend our listeners to read.

Speaker 1  48:43

I have so many in my I have so many in my brain. Right now, I would say anything about neuroscience, but I also like Carol Dweck, I think she has some great stuff on, like a growth mindset, like, anything like that. I think if you're a parent, anything on growth mindset, if you're a parent, if you're an athlete, just this idea that these things are trainable, right? Like you can learn, you can train mistakes or opportunities. I think that is applicable for any parent or athlete from six to 26 like, however old you want to be. Yeah, anything by her would be great.

Todd Arkell  49:19

So what's, what's one change you think a listener can make that will improve their daily life.

Speaker 1  49:25

Start to evaluate issues that come up from a lens of, what can I control about this? So start to ask yourself, Okay, this is what's being presented to me. What about this? Can I control? What about this? Do I have direct influence over it takes out kind of that anxiety around the things you can't control. Bring always bring it back to what you can control. What's the best advice you ever received? The best. It's kind of a quote and advice, but what you aren't changing your choosing. So if you're not willing to. Do something differently, then you're gonna get the same

Todd Arkell  50:02

result. What's something you'd tell your younger self,

Speaker 1  50:04

you are good enough. You just have to remember the things about you that are good and stop judging yourself. People aren't judging you as hard as you're judging yourself.

Todd Arkell  50:17

That's true. What did I see? There's a there's an Instagram account. I'll give him a plug. It's like, non positive daily affirmations. So he actually makes fun of you, and it, it's, I can't remember, actually, what it's called, but it's like negative affirmations that it's like, to me, it's the funniest thing, because it's like, hey, stop worrying about people. Think about you, because they're actually not really, yeah, like, he's just like, which is true, but it's just like, he goes, there's no reason for them to think about you. So he's like, putting it on you, but it's

Speaker 1  50:47

kind of fun. No, I think that that's so true, though, right? Like, we think people are thinking about us more than they are truly,

Todd Arkell  50:54

yeah, no, I think as much too. I think it's easy. I think it's easier as a teenager to kind of get in your head. I think as an adult, you start to develop that muscle that just says, you know, I don't really care anymore, you know. And sometimes it gets you to what point in your life do you get that? It's called actually disappointing affirmations. Is what it is. For those that want to look it up. Here's one, you are not the same person you were a year ago. You're even worse now. So it's like, it's like, this is the negative self talk Instagram. You don't want to scroll all his reels because you're like, Oh, I feel horrible now. I personally, I just laugh, because it's like, if you remember, well, you you might not even been old enough to remember, but they used to do all these motivational posts in offices, and they had, like, scenes of mountains and success and all these things. So he kind of plays off of that. Yeah, so it's really good. So if you want to make fun of yourself, that's a great place to go. Last question, if you could suggest one guest for my show? Who would you suggest? Let's manifest somebody.

Speaker 1  51:59

Nolan Graham, have you ever met him, or heard of him? I have not. He was on the hockey Think Tank podcast. He's someone I've met through a grammar and he was a hockey coach, college hockey coach, and he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He's a really cool, amazing guy, honestly, and I connected with him over Instagram, and he's, he's been a really positive influence on me. Cool,

Todd Arkell  52:26

let's put that out in the universe. Yeah, he's a cool guy. You're my you're my second Colorado guest. Oh, I am. There you go. Hey, we're after, after a couple of years, I'll start go, where's everybody from? Where's the most? Yeah, there's most of everybody. So he's Canadian. Oh, that's cool, yes. Well, he's a hockey player. Chances are he might have been, you never he was going to be Canadian, just teasing. Yeah, with everything that's going on in the world right now, we all have to get along, regardless of our politicians. Sure, that's for sure. That's fair. Libby, thank you so much for joining. Yeah, it was a great conversation for those of you listening. All of Libby's contact information will be in the show notes, sweet so you can reach out if you're if you're so inclined. And I appreciate the discussion. Thank you for having me.

Matt Cundill  53:10

Thanks for listening, for more, including resources and more about the show. Go to the mental approach.com A production of the sound off media company.